The phone call.

I don’t get it. I thought I was so much better than I am.

Stbex called to talk to N and C. I got the phone and he was not very nice…ok I wasn’t either.

I hear girls and his current girlfriend in the background. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. (did I mention he is in Florida with her? Never did those things with me)

Once I WAS HUNG UP ON I instantly called him back. My impulsively kicked in and I was frantic again. But I stopped. Did not text. Did not call again.

Crumpled on the couch and cried. 30 seconds later I hear, “MOMMY! The pizza is here!”

Oh right. Life. Parenting. Emotions. Twins. Single parent. Abandoned.  Pain. Hatred. Questions with no answers. Answers that make no sense to a sane human being.

How can his actions still cause me so much pain? Why can’t he see how much hurt he has caused? I can’t go back to running those thoughts in my head.

Tomorrow is a new day. 24 hours to NOT call,text, freak out.  I hate this roller coaster I am on. I want to fast forward to a year from now.  I would love to sleep for the next 365 days. But I can’t.

Life. Parenting. Twins. Single parent.

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18 thoughts on “The phone call.

  1. What a horrible person he is. You hang in there. You’re worth 10 of him. Not that you’d want 10 of him but you know what I mean.
    We do what we have to do. I was really strong in the first year after the affair because I had to be. When things are more in a routine try to take some time for you, even if you spend it dealing with those awful emotions it’s time well spent.
    Your twins will get it one day. And they’ll admire you. They will.

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  2. If he’s NPD, he’s incapable of seeing the pain he’s causing. I try to think of it as walking without any legs. He can’t do it. This has helped me to detach and expect very little from him.
    Have you heard of NC – no contact = no new hurts?
    Goofy, but I believe it! I’ve had nearly three years to practice.

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  3. During the first week of my separation I read that the pain of divorce lasted a year. I nearly died when I read that. I had never before had such excruciating pain and thought I would not survive. But I did survive and so shall you. I have read a few of your posts. You have much courage and you will survive. … one day at a time

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  4. Jules, on your list you missed one thing…”Life. Parenting. Twins. Single parent.” You missed JULES! From a gal who’s been there, put you on the list–and put you first. You have already made it so far. You will want to lash out and tell him how you’re feeling and you know what? Who he is, he has no capability to even understand what he’s put you through. Blog it out, sister! Sorry you’re going through so much pain! Hugs.

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  5. oh boy. The stabs….yep been there. My (ex)wife is going on vacation with her stupid boyfriend at the end of the month. I am right there with you on how bad that hurts, to think of the person you devoted your life to being on vacation with someone else. I know the pain and hurt all too well.
    We gotta keep going strong. Especially for our kids. They deserve the best version of us. Keep being mom. Keep them first in your life and everything will follow suit.

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    1. It’s the worst feeling, right? I guess I will never get the answers I am looking for. It’s so sad that some people have a realistic view in marriage while others see it as disposable. .
      Thanks again! Keep being dad…

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