It’s back.


NOT the “oh my god I am so desperate to save our marriage” thing.

He is back. From Florida. (This was his SECOND trip there this month. We live in NY)

Must be nice.

While he was gone I felt strong, calm, in control.

Not anymore. I just want to scream. Life was so much easier when he was away.

I like it when he’s away. I am calm. I am strong. I am ME.

Now I am wound up tighter than a ball of rubber bands.

I want to let loose on him and tell him how stupid he is. Stupid stupid stupid.

Or am I stupid? Wait. I am the stupid one. I am the stupid one for allowing his presence to affect me. I cannot allow him to control my emotions. I have to pretend he is still in Florida. (Sort of hard to do when I have to see him for a milli-second when he comes over to see the kids and I become the cockroach again.)

BUT I can’t allow him to drive me insane. I makes me angry. Right? He is causing this anger and rage in me. I really do hate him. I never thought in 15 years that I would utter those words. I am not going to dwell on how things used to be. All I know is that I can’t stand the sight of him.

I wasn’t raging when he was gone.

I will not allow myself to get angry now that he is back.

I can’t.

I was driving to work today and I realized that my hands were holding so tightly onto the steering wheel. Woah. I turned off the radio and released my hands. (Safely…) Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Mind chatter. I turned the radio back on for background noise. My sense of calm and ability to calm myself Β is barely there now that he is back.

Maybe it’s in Florida.


5 thoughts on “It’s back.

  1. I cultivate amusement in things that used to anger me. Even memories of Paul behaving like a pig during the affair, in retrospect are kind of comic. He was having a fight with himself, hating himself and scrounging for excuses so he didn’t have to hate himself anymore. I shouldn’t have let it get to me, it was just him fighting with himself in a paper bag. That image still cracks me up.


  2. Oh yes, I noticed that change too. The change from grieving and yearning to one of contempt. It is frightening the emotions that stir up within. It is a constant fight within me to not let those feelings take me over. I want to be myself, not this person who I become in those moments. I have to work at it all the time. Thanks for this post. I know that I am not alone and this is important to me.
    I KNOW you will make it and that strong, calm and in-control person you desire for yourself will win over permanently in time. πŸ™‚


  3. I remember when my ex used to travel when we were together and I always felt more at ease and in my groove when he was gone…then once he arrived home it was like he expected everything to change JUST FOR HIM…and I always believed that we just needed to keep going and HE should meld himself to US and our already set in place routine…sometimes I still feel that now that he is gone, but I realize I DON’T have to plan around him anymore…
    More often now, I just enjoy the long stretches between communications that make my skin crawl. πŸ™‚ It gets better. πŸ™‚ I have felt your pain though…love and hugs…


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