I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to feel the ache in my heart and stomach when I speak to him. I don’t want to be sad.
I thought I was past this emotion. I thought I was turning a corner to a “new me.”
Why am I being bombarded with emotions that I thought I had buried. Why have they clawed their way out of the locked grave that I slammed shut a month ago?
I know that with major life changes and grief people go through many stages. Why did I fall back into this puddle of tears and sadness? I thought that I wasn’t going to fall back into THIS stage. I thought THIS stage was long gone.
Kids are with their father at a carnival. That was supposed to be something we did as a family. Those are family activities. I am so sad right now. Sad over the fact that the man I married is dead, but someone who looks just like him but acts completely different is alive.
I spoke to him for the first time in months today. Actually 20 minutes ago. I cried. I asked “why.” I did all the things you’re not supposed to do. I did not, however, try to convince him to fix our broken marriage. Small wins.
I told him that I want to go home. I want to move away from here. I can’t be free here.
Before I enter the store, salon, etc I have to check the place first to see who is in there. Happened today. Went to get a pedicure and I had to scour the place for any face that would make me have any negative reaction. Is that how my life will be like now? I can’t start over here.
I am really sad at this very moment. Tears are running down my cheeks like the rain that is pouring down outside.
I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to cry. I want to stay angry. I don’t want to speak to him. I have been through so much. I have been on this emotional roller coaster and I cannot get off of it. Is this some sick joke? Am I being pranked by “god”?
Why am I being put through this? I thought I was a good person with good morals and values. Why does someone who has no moral compass and no values get to make these decisions that affect so many people? I believe in karma. I don’t want to be around when his comes knocking on his door.