This stage.

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I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to feel the ache in my heart and stomach when I speak to him. I don’t want to be sad.

I thought I was past this emotion. I thought I was turning a corner to a “new me.”

Why am I being bombarded with emotions that I thought I had buried. Why have they clawed their way out of the locked grave that I slammed shut a month ago?

Why?

I know that with major life changes and grief people go through many stages. Why did I fall back into this puddle of tears and sadness? I thought that I wasn’t going to fall back into THIS stage. I thought THIS stage was long gone.

Kids are with their father at a carnival. That was supposed to be something we did as a family. Those are family activities. I am so sad right now. Sad over the fact that the man I married is dead, but someone who looks just like him but acts completely different is alive.

I spoke to him for the first time in months today. Actually 20 minutes ago. I cried. I asked “why.” I did all the things you’re not supposed to do. I did not, however, try to convince him to fix our broken marriage. Small wins.

I told him that I want to go home. I want to move away from here. I can’t be free here.

Before I enter the store, salon, etc I have to check the place first to see who is in there. Happened today. Went to get a pedicure and I had to scour the place for any face that would make me have any negative reaction. Is that how my life will be like now? I can’t start over here.

I am really sad at this very moment. Tears are running down my cheeks like the rain that is pouring down outside.

I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to cry. I want to stay angry. I don’t want to speak to him. I have been through so much. I have been on this emotional roller coaster and I cannot get off of it. Is this some sick joke? Am I being pranked by “god”?

Why am I being put through this? I thought I was a good person with good morals and values. Why does someone who has no moral compass and no values get to make these decisions that affect so many people? I believe in karma. I don’t want to be around when his comes knocking on his door.

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4 thoughts on “This stage.

  1. I have been here…and felt the EXACT same emotions. I remember just wanting the tears and sadness to go away. I was angry at times, but my most overwhelming emotion has always been sadness. There are even still days when I can feel the tears there on the edge…and I have to struggle to keep them at bay…it seems it should have been gone by now. But I’ve come to accept (on most days) that whatever I am feeling, just needs to be moved THROUGH…there is no way AROUND no matter how much I would like to think “mind over matter” could make it happen. Hang in there…the “time heals all wounds” thing does have some validity. Praying for peace and comfort for you during this time… ❤

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  2. I felt like that too, that I should be past it. Now when I feel sad, I take some time out and let myself cry. I do not try and hold back anymore. Yes, i have moved on; and yes, it does not hurt quite as much; but sometimes it still hurts and I am human and I cry.
    I have actually felt better overall since I have allowed myself to do this because I don’t have to fight against that awful resistance that I should be stronger than I am. Once I have a bit of a cry, then I am quite OK again for quite some time.
    I think there is too much pressure on us as the ‘leavee’ that we are supposed to just get ‘over’ it. We do not get over it, we get through it.

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