Confusion.

What am I doing?? Am I moving? 

I have a job interview on Thursday for a job that I know I don’t want. I have to drive 2.5 hours back home for the interview. Could it possibly lead to a job that I would want? 

I hate change. I hate my stbex for putting us in this place.

All I think about is the kids—Will they hate me in the future for moving away? 

MENTAL HEALTH. I HAVE to think about my mental health. I have to be selfish and think about me. Right?

Will I be able to continue living here and living this life? Will I be able to see him everyday without wanting to claw his face off? Right now, today, that’s a big fat NO.

I don’t know what else to do. I need a change. He forced this change upon us. How selfish is THAT?

I am so confused and so torn. I love my job but I don’t like my life here. I can’t move on here. Not move on in the sense that I need to meet someone. I mean move on in the sense that I will be at peace with MYSELF and the life that was handed to me. 

I can go. I can take control of my mental health. I have to move in order to get healthy. I keep thinking about the kids, though.

“Kids are resilient.”

“This will be their norm!”

That’s not fair for me to do that to them. I always put them first and I am having a very difficult time putting myself first. I don’t know how someone could NOT put the kids first. Thank you, stbex.

This is a hard and difficult road that I am on. 

Anyone have a roadmap?

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10 thoughts on “Confusion.

  1. Casting aside all the hurt and pain, do you have a vision of where you would like to be in five years time? begin there and work backwards.
    That is what I did about a year ago and even though I am no-where near that place of my vision yet, my vision keeps me going. Every-time I get down or resentful of what I need to do, I re-cast the steps I have to take as steps towards my vision and I feel more at peace.

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  2. Perhaps you need to gather your thoughts for a bit. Leaving a job you love to move to heal doesn’t seem quite healing to me. It may add more “stuff” on top of you and it will be harder to heal
    Seeing the ex every day is soooo difficult at first. I’ve been there. And all around you, your “previous” life reminds you of the pain. But there IS a way to begin again.
    I remember rearranging furniture, creating new habits in town, ANYTHING to start “new” in the same town.
    Do what you need, Jules, but breathe and think about where you can gain your power back.
    You can do this.

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  3. My opinion is “if momma ain’t happy, no one is happy!” I think moving can be therapeutic. If your children have not started high school I would say don’t think twice, move. Especially if your moving toward family and emotional support. My stbex isn’t seeing our youngest today for his birthday nor has he asked for Fathers Day so if we don’t put them first who will. BUT by taking care of yourself, you are putting them first!!

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