Write. Erase. Read. Write. Erase. Read.

That was what I did today when I logged onto WordPress. I started to write about something that happened last night in which I found out about today. 

Then I erased it all.

Then I read some fellow bloggers posts and commented, liked, etc. 

Now I am back to writing again. I started the same thing as I did before but erased it again. This is the way my mind is going today. Mad. Not mad. Mad. Not mad. 

If I continue to regurgitate all the bad things that have been happening to me, will I ever get over them? 

I love coming here for support. I love knowing that there are others out there that are going through the same thing as I am. 

But do you REALLY want to know? Do you really want to know how much of an asshole my stbex is? I have no problems bashing him and the asinine choices that he makes in regards to the kids. This is the first time I’ve questioned whether or not to rant about him on here. It’s not that what he’s done is illegal or anything. I just feel like I don’t want to give it anymore energy. I will let my lawyer and law guardian do that. 

hmm..

I had my energy “grounded” on Friday morning. Strange. 

http://www.rainbowcrystal.com/crystal/hematite.shtml

It was the strangest experience I have ever been through. Lots of energy work. I felt like I was stoned afterward. Not a care in the world. My hands felt heavy and I was VERY dizzy. The hematite is a very strong stone for grounding ones energies. I really felt it. When I walked out of there, my senses were heightened. I saw nature differently. Heard the birds differently. It was incredible. She gave me a hematite for me to have on me to keep me grounded. Am I turning a corner? She told me that if anything happens to me, (emotionally) that I need to be aware that it is the stones energy that is helping me through it. Keeping me “grounded.”

I guess I could say that my reaction to this new piece of information that I learned from my kids was a result of the stone work. I didn’t snap. Although I DID text him some choice words and then blasted off an email to my lawyer. 

BUT.

I didn’t cry. 

I didn’t fester in the pain that I am used to stewing in. 

I am questioning if it’s even worth writing about the incident here. 

Ahh well. Who knows how I will feel tomorrow…Right now I am listening to my kids laugh in the kitchen and NOT listening to the story play over and over in my head…

 

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9 thoughts on “Write. Erase. Read. Write. Erase. Read.

  1. I have found that if I say anything about my ex in a negative way then I feel I have let myself down because I have lowered my standards by devaluing him (when I am trying to be the best I can be). However, I have no qualms about writing about my feelings or the effect certain incidents have on me; as in me being anxious, scared, lonely, sad or whatever. By that I mean I try not to go into the details of any incident itself and just refer to it subtly as ‘an incident’ or ‘dialogue’ or ‘event’ or ‘trigger’. In that way, I preserve my intention of upholding my values yet I am able to put all my negative feelings down and let them go or at least sort them out in my head.

    I think you do a fantastic job with your blog. By writing other people gain benefit. It has really been a life-saver for me having contact with other bloggers.

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  2. It is so funny that you wrote this today. I am experiencing the exact same thing. The difference is my divorce is over and I have to decide whether to sue him for contempt or let him get away with it. My ex and his family reads my blog so it feeds their hatred for me. So what he did was lie and break the PPP (Permanent Parenting Plan) by letting his 23 yo girlfriend spend the night with my son. Today, I couldn’t write… Numb. I will write tomorrow about lying. That is what he did. He lied and broke the rules. I might write about rule breaking next. So I am writing about my issues indirectly. The issue is no matter how I write about him, my ex knows I am writing about him! Good Luck!

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      1. The issue is that he is a narcissist and a master deceiver. His family would all lie for him. My three sons wants me to leave it alone. My Thing 2 said, “We know he is a duche, don’t be like him.” I don’t have the money, I will have to take it out of an IRA and TN is so corrupt that it is 50/50 what you would actually get. The issue is we just divorced in March. I have to deal with this 4 more years. If he blatantly doesn’t follow it now, he never will. This was his text “I didn’t think she’s was going. She was scheduled to work but was able to get off. No I’m not meeting you with Thing 3. Courtney will not sleep in the same house with him. I’m turning my phone off I work hard I’m on vacation this weekend with my child. I will not listen to your drama. Goodbye.” They are going to the family cabin where there is no where else to sleep. He lied to me. Thing 2 said he always said she was going. He thinks he is above the law!

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