“What does Julia want?”

 

 

question

Good question. My mother asked me that today. I am moving forward with things in regards to the divorce. I am no where near where I used to be. But again, I am finding myself at a crossroad. 

Situation A: Stay in the current house, have stbex come here every morning to get the kids off to school, commute (20 mins..) to work everyday and back. I have stopped myself from going out in this town. I haven’t been to our local Wegmans in ONE year. Anytime I DO go somewhere, I have to scan the place first to make sure that I won’t run into anyone. THAT is not fun. 

Situation B: Look for a house in the community that I work in, start fresh, have a 5 minute commute and not have to rely on him in the mornings.  I WOULD get to go to THAT Wegmans and actually have a social life without looking over my shoulder all the time. 

 

SO do I continue with my current lifestyle for the next year and THEN move? The kids would be changing school districts.

I wish I could have done this in April, but I know that I was not ready then. I am ready now. Or in a year. 

“What does Julia want?” 

Julia does not know. Julia has spent most of her adult life worrying about what stbex wanted. I don’t really know what it’s like to WANT something. (Besides saving my marriage from that homewrecking slut. Oh and Keith Urban tickets. Definitely those)

When I try to think about what I want, my mind stops. My mind is literally “blah.” Make sense? I can’t formulate thoughts about what I want or what I even deserve. Stbex always wondered why I had to have the things I have. (NO I am not materialistic.) For example, we I have this really nice dining room set.  When it was purchased, stbex said, “WHY do we need that?” Oh I don’t know. To fill the dining room, possibly. Just a hunch. He always made me feel like I wasn’t worthy or didn’t deserve to have the things that make me happy. SO, I am struggling with this voice in my head saying, “you don’t need a house of your own. You can survive in a box. You don’t need to have pretty plates, you can eat off of paper. You don’t deserve nice pots and pans, the ones you have are fine. ” ( I HATE MY STAINLESS STEEL POTS AND PANS.)

It’s like I don’t deserve happiness. I recently traded in my wedding set for diamond earrings. I love them, but when I left the jewelers, I felt guilty. WHY do I need them? I justified it in my head. (They were technically free)

Should I just settle on a dump and move? Should I wait for MY house to come along and welcome me with open arms? Er..doors?

I don’t know what Julia wants. 

Do you?

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3 thoughts on ““What does Julia want?”

  1. I have struggled with this too. His wants and needs came first in our marriage and I did not really realize that at the time. Slowly my way is starting to emerge, and that is a really good thing. Take time to think everything through. You are allowed that time.
    (Personally, I think move away to a new life and start from scratch, you second option).

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  2. I’m going through this too. (mid divorce to an emotionally abusive ex, with three kids) He’s still in your head…it’s hard to get the negative words and doubt they create out of your mind. A fresh house and a fresh start will be good for you. I HAD to leave my house to get a fresh start. It was weird at first, but my three kids now call that home…and their old house, dad’s house. I’m glad I did it, it’s been a slow process of rediscovering myself, but it does get easier…and those negative voices get quieter and you will get stronger and more secure and believe in yourself….and who gives a darn why you bought it! You don’t anyone an explanation on how you choose to live YOUR life.

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