Good question. My mother asked me that today. I am moving forward with things in regards to the divorce. I am no where near where I used to be. But again, I am finding myself at a crossroad.
Situation A: Stay in the current house, have stbex come here every morning to get the kids off to school, commute (20 mins..) to work everyday and back. I have stopped myself from going out in this town. I haven’t been to our local Wegmans in ONE year. Anytime I DO go somewhere, I have to scan the place first to make sure that I won’t run into anyone. THAT is not fun.
Situation B: Look for a house in the community that I work in, start fresh, have a 5 minute commute and not have to rely on him in the mornings. I WOULD get to go to THAT Wegmans and actually have a social life without looking over my shoulder all the time.
SO do I continue with my current lifestyle for the next year and THEN move? The kids would be changing school districts.
I wish I could have done this in April, but I know that I was not ready then. I am ready now. Or in a year.
“What does Julia want?”
Julia does not know. Julia has spent most of her adult life worrying about what stbex wanted. I don’t really know what it’s like to WANT something. (Besides saving my marriage from that homewrecking slut. Oh and Keith Urban tickets. Definitely those)
When I try to think about what I want, my mind stops. My mind is literally “blah.” Make sense? I can’t formulate thoughts about what I want or what I even deserve. Stbex always wondered why I had to have the things I have. (NO I am not materialistic.) For example,
we I have this really nice dining room set. When it was purchased, stbex said, “WHY do we need that?” Oh I don’t know. To fill the dining room, possibly. Just a hunch. He always made me feel like I wasn’t worthy or didn’t deserve to have the things that make me happy. SO, I am struggling with this voice in my head saying, “you don’t need a house of your own. You can survive in a box. You don’t need to have pretty plates, you can eat off of paper. You don’t deserve nice pots and pans, the ones you have are fine. ” ( I HATE MY STAINLESS STEEL POTS AND PANS.)
It’s like I don’t deserve happiness. I recently traded in my wedding set for diamond earrings. I love them, but when I left the jewelers, I felt guilty. WHY do I need them? I justified it in my head. (They were technically free)
Should I just settle on a dump and move? Should I wait for MY house to come along and welcome me with open arms? Er..doors?
I don’t know what Julia wants.