I fell into a black hole this weekend. I’ve been a part of this black hole in the past. It sucks me in and spews me out a different person.
An emotional person.
A head case.
Texts, phone calls, words that escaped my mouth before I could swallow them back down.
I made very bad choices this weekend. I was emotional. Mad, sad, irate, dysfunctional. Drunk.
Before the booze started flowing, I was called a “psycho stalker” by someone who WAS in my life. Was it my anxiety that got me going to that place? I am not a psycho stalker. I see things differently than some people. I’m not going to get into details, but that guy isn’t in my life anymore. Too many shady things happening. Things that I didn’t think were a big deal were to him. Hence the crazy psycho stalker bitch. (I am not.) He’s hiding stuff and mad that I found out. Turn it on me, that’s ok. That’s all my stbex did to me. I’m used to it. Use me as a punching bag. Throw these words out before you had a chance to swallow them back down.
I have to stop drinking on the weekends that I don’t have my kids. Nothing good comes from it. I make bad choices and regret it the next day.
Back to my hermit ways. In bed at 8:00. No one to talk to/spend time with like before. Kids go to bed; I go to bed.
If I don’t I bet I’d be drunk.
I don’t like being treated this way. My stbex did (and still does) it all the time to me. Everything was always my fault. Apparently there’s a trend happening with these people in my life. This other guy made me feel like me showing up to the bar (to have dinner with a friend) constitutes stalking and being psycho.
Are there any guys out there who know how to be honest? Not hide things? Not be shady? Not have another person on the side that you can’t just seem to get rid of?
There must be something wrong with me.
I’m not feeling too great about myself today. I stayed in bed all day yesterday until the kids came home at 6. Went back to bed at 8.
Sleep at 8.
Sleep at 8.
What a life I have. I am not going to put myself out there anymore. I don’t like being treated the way I was treated this weekend. We saw this situation completely differently. But, it’s my fault.
It’s always my fault.
I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination.
I feel like I have spent my whole life apologizing for things that weren’t my fault.
And it still happens.
I want to start over.
I want to meet a stranger who knows nothing about me. Maybe they’ll think I’m normal. Am I though? I have been told for so long by my stbex that I’m not. This guy tells me I’m psycho.
Maybe their right.
Pass the rum.