at it again.

my emotions.

They’re at it again. Bubbling up inside until they are boiling over out into my reality.

Too hot to keep down. I might burn.

I’m bubbling, rumbling, boiling…Can’t keep them in. I hate them. I despise them. I thought they were gone.

Boy was I wrong.

My hopes for a tight knit family shattered like glass. My hopes for a marriage and our biological children living together under the same roof, growing old together, enjoying grandchildren together.

My dad wasn’t around a lot. I think that makes me despise divorce even more.

It’s not supposed to be this way.

My children were not supposed to grow up like this.

I can’t get passed it.

I have so much hatred boiling up inside of me. I hate, loathe, despise another human whom I once loved with all of my heart. Who I had trusted. Who had broken that trust. My trust. The kids trust. Our families trust.

I cried today. While folding my kids laundry. Doing chores. Chores that should be done with a loving spouse under the same roof. I collapsed into a pile of unmatched socks and folded pjs. Cried. Sobbed. Dried my tears with a sock.

I don’t want him back. I want the man that I married back. Not this disgusting, cruel, backstabbing, unfaithful, untrustworthy, lying piece of shit.

I want to have someone in my life that I can just “be” with. Be myself with. Be lazy with.

That won’t come until I let go of the past.

That’s the hard part. Why can’t I just LET IT GO. The hopes, the dreams, the vision of our future.

I’m staring at the life that I never wanted. My emotions got the better of me today. I got burned.

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4 thoughts on “at it again.

  1. It is over three years since my husband left me and my children are older than your children; and yet I still often think ‘this is not how it was meant to be’. It can eat me up at times.
    I try to focus on being the very best that I can be for my children and grand-children. I also put a lot of energy and focus on my extended family to show my children that families ARE important and that they are still part of that extended family who will always be there and support them through the good times and the bad.

    Like

  2. These days will always creep into your new life. Your divorce took 3 years. Your healing will take time, my friend. I’ve been divorced over 4 years and married one and I still have these days once in awhile. It hits out of the blue and you just need to feel and ride the wave. You’ve come so far. Feel, cry, wipe your tears and stand again.

    Liked by 1 person

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