They’re at it again. Bubbling up inside until they are boiling over out into my reality.
Too hot to keep down. I might burn.
I’m bubbling, rumbling, boiling…Can’t keep them in. I hate them. I despise them. I thought they were gone.
Boy was I wrong.
My hopes for a tight knit family shattered like glass. My hopes for a marriage and our biological children living together under the same roof, growing old together, enjoying grandchildren together.
My dad wasn’t around a lot. I think that makes me despise divorce even more.
It’s not supposed to be this way.
My children were not supposed to grow up like this.
I can’t get passed it.
I have so much hatred boiling up inside of me. I hate, loathe, despise another human whom I once loved with all of my heart. Who I had trusted. Who had broken that trust. My trust. The kids trust. Our families trust.
I cried today. While folding my kids laundry. Doing chores. Chores that should be done with a loving spouse under the same roof. I collapsed into a pile of unmatched socks and folded pjs. Cried. Sobbed. Dried my tears with a sock.
I don’t want him back. I want the man that I married back. Not this disgusting, cruel, backstabbing, unfaithful, untrustworthy, lying piece of shit.
I want to have someone in my life that I can just “be” with. Be myself with. Be lazy with.
That won’t come until I let go of the past.
That’s the hard part. Why can’t I just LET IT GO. The hopes, the dreams, the vision of our future.
I’m staring at the life that I never wanted. My emotions got the better of me today. I got burned.