28.5

That’s how many hours I spent in my house alone so far this weekend. I finally got myself into the shower, dressed and slapped some makeup on my face that wouldn’t show how sad and lonely I am.

I found myself at Barnes and Nobles, sitting in an overstuffed chair while this woman across from me reads GARDENING IN NY. She’s humming to herself and it’s driving me absolutely crazy. There is no rhyme or reason to her humming. It does not go along with the elevator music that is coming through the speakers in the ceiling.

I look at her some more; no ring. Is she divorced? Widowed? Never been married? Why would that be one of the first things I notice? I hate that I notice those things. I wish I could rewire my brain so I wouldn’t think of those things.

One of my favorite things to do is people watch. I try to sit an visualize what their life is like. If it’s anything like mine.

I wish I could rewire my brain so that I was the complete opposite of my current self. Well actually, the only self I have known.

I want to be happy and content while being alone. But I’m not. I am a people person. I am emotional. I need to feel accepted, loved, cared for and important. I know I’m supposed to start with  accepting, loving and caring for myself. It feels a hell of a lot better when it comes from someone else.

I wish I didn’t think that way. I wish I didn’t want someone in my life. I wish I enjoyed being alone, staring at the walls in my house. (humming lady left. thank god.)

I am a typical Scorpio. Intense, emotional, always questioning, secretive, passionate and extremely loyal.

Right now in this phase of my life I hate that I am a typical scorp. I don’t want to be emotional, intense, passionate and loyal. I want to break that part away from me because it is bringing me absolutely no good.

I hate being alone.

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3 thoughts on “28.5

  1. I have had these weekends…it takes a great amount of effort to get the ball rolling to getting out and feeling more “normal” (really just like yourself) but it is well worth it. There will be setbacks even on that endeavor, but the more baby steps you take, the closer you get to better feelings and soon it doesn’t require the same amount of efforts. Best of luck to you. I know how difficult it is…don’t change the core of who you are, change your actions to more closely be true to your core! Believe you can do it. You can!

    Liked by 1 person

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