bitch ass mercury…

If you haven’t noticed, Mercury is in retrograde. bitch ass mercury

It’s throwing me off. I thought things were smoother and more civil with my ex. We had a mediation with a trained mediator last year. I THOUGHT things were better.  WE agreed to put the past in the past for the kids. Bury it. We need to show the kids that we can be civil for them. Fine. I was sick of carrying it around anyway.

Last year around the kids 9th birthday, he suggested we do a joint birthday party for their 10th.

Sure. I’ll work on holding my tongue and my eye rolls. Once we met (after the suggestion was made) I really worked on me.  I worked on my inner soul. My energy. ME. Christmas came and went, maybe  5 minutes of crying. But it ended. This was the easiest Christmas thus far. PROGRESS.

Yesterday I get a SCATHING email stating that I need to stop living in the past. Excuse me? I’m not. He brought up all the shit that’s happened IN THE PAST and said the kids are suffering because of it. Say what? That’s shit we buried. That’s the PAST that we BOTH agreed to put behind us.

I asked him to pay for our son’s boy scouts gear since I paid for the year. When I asked him that, he immediately told me (via text) that his fiance had already told our son that she was going to buy it for him. Great. Let her spend her money, I don’t care. One less thing I have to worry about/pay for. (He pays me support and refuses to help with anything else financially. )

In his email he says–“I don’t know why I helped you out. I pay you and you should be using that money. I shouldn’t even help you because of all the shit you did to us.” (in the past…past that was agreed to be put behind us)  It’s my fault the kids don’t listen and are disrespectful to adults. (Are we talking about the same kids?) He said that if I DON’T CHANGE, THE KIDS ARE GOING TO CONTINUE TO SUFFER.

I’m fuming. He’s twisting and turning things and is portraying me as this scorned, drunk wife that I was.

WAS. past tense. the past that we agreed to put behind us. I did not bring up all the lies, deceit, betrayal, affairs and pain in my response to him. I DID say that he did some pretty shitty things to me in the past, but we agreed to move forward for the kids. Was he at the same meeting I was?

Writing it out helps. I am still so confused about his emails. I have done NOTHING to them. He wants respect.  I told him at our last meeting that I respect them as parents, but not as people. He was fine with it. Then with this email he’s going on and on about how I have no respect for either of them and that he shouldn’t be helping me at all with anything.

I can’t take on his negativity. My intention for the day is:

“Positive energy will be absorbed; negative energy will be repelled.”

I said that out loud in the car on the way to work. I keep saying it in my head.

“Positive energy will be absorbed; negative energy will be repelled.”

bitch ass mercury.

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2018…

2018.

I haven’t written in a long time. I’ve been told that I should continue writing–not just for me, but also for those that read these.

So, I am. I opened up my laptop and logged in. I started reading my past posts. GOD what a change. The old me is still inside, but she’s teeny tiny. Smaller version. Floats around and is barely visible. Sometimes she makes herself known, but very quickly disappears back to where she came from.

So where am I now? Calmer. Quieter. Less stressed. Less wound up. Less tense.

When I talk about my path, I always say that blogging really helped me get through those years of pain, darkness, death. It really did. That and knitting. I have a “divorce scarf” that I knitted while going through that. I still wear it to remind me of how far I’ve come. It’s not perfect. Neither am I.