the unknown.

First of all, I’d like to give a shout out to my friend Jamie. I called her and unloaded all this crap on her this morning. Her first question: “ok, do you have xanax?” No. But I will be getting some. Her last question: “why don’t you blog all of this?” So thanks, Spanks, (her nickname…Spanky) for your advice…

The ex has had a baby with his girlfriend, now fiance…Cried when the baby was born (out of sadness, not joy) and cried when I heard they got engaged. (Thanks, Jamie for softening the blow for me) That lasted about 2 days then I was over it. I am sure when the big day comes, I’ll either be:

a. doped up on xanax and sleeping

b. drunk.

c. at a spa

d. with my girlfriends (hopefully c and d)

Fast forward to the unknown…

My kids are making their first communion on Sunday…(we have twins)

One pew. One family. Me, him, kids…I asked my parents to sit someplace else so it wouldn’t be awkward. My parents hate my ex for what happened. Rightfully so.  Did I mention my dad is still paying for our wedding? I digress..

I shared with my ex that we have one pew for the kids’ family. He and I need to sit with the kids, go up with them as they receive communion, etc. I kindly asked him to have whoever is coming with him to sit someplace else. The seating arrangements could look something like this:

Me, kid, kid, ex, my mom, my dad, his whore

Me, kid, kid, ex, my dad, my mom, his whore

Him, kid, kid, me, my mom, my dad, his whore

Him, kid, kid, me, my dad, my mom, his whore.

 

Anyone see a pattern here? Has he answered my request? No. I told him that I wish we could sit on opposite sides of the church but that can’t happen. “I’m sure we can”, said the ex. See, he doesn’t believe in following rules that are given from other people. The letter clearly states that we are to SIT WITH OUR CHILDREN. If he chooses not to, that’s his deal. I’ll be right there with my kids.

My parents agreed to sit someplace else because they don’t want to make it awkward for anyone. Because THEY ARE SMART. He thinks everyone is ok with what he’s done.

News flash–we’re not. Still not. I wish I was. When will it go away? I read an article that I don’t need to forgive. Forgiveness is Overrated. Read it here. If he was truly sorry for his actions, then maybe. Anyway, I digress. again.

I’ve been having the craziest dreams because I have so much on my mind regarding this. I don’t want to dream of my old house (where they live, happily ever after) and them anymore.

I still don’t know where she is sitting. The unknown is killing me. Just as it has in the past. I need to “prepare for the worst, hope for the best, pop a xanax”–Jamie.

 

 

 

 

 

2017

3rd year, post divorce.  Three years stronger. A few times weaker.

Stronger.

Stronger.

Stronger.

The holidays have always been tough for me. He did some pretty shitty things to me during the holidays. It’s almost like I have PTSD. Once December 26 hits, I snap out of it. I’m moody, snap at the kids, depressed. cry cry cry. Not that I want HIM back, but the pain from the memories that are related to the holidays hit me like a ton of bricks. I actually despise Christmas. I will need to go to counseling to prepare for next year. It’s not fair to my kids or myself…

New year, new me. I will stay focused and DEDICATED (my new year word) to becoming a healthier, happier version of my current self. Dedicated to fostering healthy, loving relationships with the positive people in my life. Dedicated to learning more about me and how I can grow and learn and become a better me. Not just for me, but for my children, my family and those positive people in my life.

Yes, yes. I need to lose weight. I will. No rush. No deadline. Just everyday choices and the mindset that I CAN DO THIS. I am dedicated to making me better.

 

what a long, strange trip its been

It truly has been.  From devastation to recovery and everything in between. It has been a wild ride. Although I am not 100% detached from my story–I don’t think I ever will be-I am able to handle things with more grace than before. That angry, hot headed scorned ex wife is no longer. A newer, better version of myself has emerged.

I still get emotional sometimes. I cried little tears yesterday when I learned that their baby is being delivered on Monday. They were not big, wailing, crocodile tears that lasted for hours. Just a few trickled down to remind me of how far I have come and how far I have yet to go. I will pay myself on the back, however, because I HAVE SURVIVED.

Those three words. I HAVE SURVIVED. I never thought in a million years that I would have survived this. I did. It did not kill me. It did kill a naïve, weak, small version of myself. Thank you for that. However, it did not kill ME. I am stronger because of it.

Thank you to those of you on here–those complete strangers who knew how I felt. Who knew what to say to me at the right time. I don’t know you personally, but what you have done for me here, I will never forget.

I HAVE SURVIVED.

 

 

What A Difference a Year Makes

I’m back.

A lot has changed in my life since my last post.  I honestly don’t even know when I was on here last. My apologies.

My divorce was official in January of 2015. The year anniversary is coming up. It may have passed. I don’t know. All I know is that time heals some pain. Pain that I was feeling during this entire ordeal is not as severe as it was at once point.

I can breathe.

I survived.

Sure it stings to know they my ex and his girlfriend are having a baby and living in my old house that I shared with him and my children.

But I survived.

I bought my own home around the corner. It’s a perfect house for the kids and me. The energy is better. It’s a happy little house.

I survived.

I can breathe.

I’ve dated here and there—I’ve learned what I want and what I don’t want. I’ve learned what I deserve. That person hasn’t come along yet. I know the universe is working on it for me. I ask, I believe and I will receive.

I still harbor some anger and hatred towards my ex and her. I am really trying to work on that this year. I am trying to be in the present moment. Meditate. Be grateful each day for what the universe has given me. I am listening to The Secret during my 20 minute drive to work and back.

Ask.

Believe.

Receive.

Breathe.

Talons

I feel like my life is constantly riding the breaks. My mind is the operator. Smooth sailing for a while then BAM slam on the brakes.

I want to start so much in my life. For some reason, my mind won’t let me. Let me? Release me? Release me from the mental talons of its unruly grip on my life.

I want to start to meditate.

I want to start to workout again.

I want to keep up with my blog again.

I want to have joy in my life.

I want.

I want to be happy.

But do I deserve all of those things?

I try to set goals for myself but for some reason that I cannot figure out, I cannot start them.

Lately I’ve been finding myself rotting in front of the tv or just sleeping.

Depression. Medication. I’m on it. Lots of it. I’ll never be able to get off of them.

I need to start doing things for myself. When I don’t have my kids, I usually sleep that time away until they’re back. What kind of life is that? These talons are digging deeper and deeper into mind and soul. How do I loosen their grip? It’s starting to slowly kill me.

Ebbs and flows..

Well. I guess I need to get back to writing. Here’s the short version of what has been happening with me…

Divorce was final in the beginning of January. I cried. and cried. and cried some more. Not that I miss HIM–I miss what was supposed to be.

Online dating. UGH. Met a few guys but nothing grew from any of them.  There are some really odd people out there. These people shouldn’t even be allowed to interact with females.

I’m lonely. I’m sad. When my kids come back from their dads, I hear all about their adventures with him and his whore ..ahem…girlfriend.  Stings.

I do have good days, but I am definitely still going through bad ones. When will I meet someone nice and normal? Why did all of this stupid bullshit have to happen to me? Why am I suffering?

STOP.

Julia STOP IT. You will NEVER get anywhere if you continue to keep going down this road.

The guy that was hanging around once in a while seems to disappear for about a week at a time. No text. No call. No visit.

Is that normal? This guy has been around since the beginning of September. All we’ve really ever done is text, gone out a few times and hang out at my house a handful of times.  But..He has told me many times that he “really likes me” and wants to pursue a relationship.

Then, I don’t hear from him for a week. wtf? This happens a lot. Not just once.

FOUR. 4. I gave him 4 chances to come around and figure it out.

That fell flat as a pancake. I finally had enough and told him that he’s too inconsistent and shady for me.

Then he told me that I think too much. Over analyze everything.

Well when you don’t hear from someone for a week, my mind starts going.

Am I wrong? Granted I’ve been out of this scene for 13 years, but I still don’t think that’s normal.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

At least for me they do. Don’t tell me you feel one way then act completely differently.

I got a big fat “leave me alone” the other day. Am I crazy? I am just so confused as to what goes through his head.

I should cut all ties, right?

As a fault, I have a big heart and give people the benefit of the doubt. MAJOR FAULT. I hate that part of me. Why do I let people come into my life who give it no real value? Why am I cursed with this heart and mind?