28.5

That’s how many hours I spent in my house alone so far this weekend. I finally got myself into the shower, dressed and slapped some makeup on my face that wouldn’t show how sad and lonely I am.

I found myself at Barnes and Nobles, sitting in an overstuffed chair while this woman across from me reads GARDENING IN NY. She’s humming to herself and it’s driving me absolutely crazy. There is no rhyme or reason to her humming. It does not go along with the elevator music that is coming through the speakers in the ceiling.

I look at her some more; no ring. Is she divorced? Widowed? Never been married? Why would that be one of the first things I notice? I hate that I notice those things. I wish I could rewire my brain so I wouldn’t think of those things.

One of my favorite things to do is people watch. I try to sit an visualize what their life is like. If it’s anything like mine.

I wish I could rewire my brain so that I was the complete opposite of my current self. Well actually, the only self I have known.

I want to be happy and content while being alone. But I’m not. I am a people person. I am emotional. I need to feel accepted, loved, cared for and important. I know I’m supposed to start with  accepting, loving and caring for myself. It feels a hell of a lot better when it comes from someone else.

I wish I didn’t think that way. I wish I didn’t want someone in my life. I wish I enjoyed being alone, staring at the walls in my house. (humming lady left. thank god.)

I am a typical Scorpio. Intense, emotional, always questioning, secretive, passionate and extremely loyal.

Right now in this phase of my life I hate that I am a typical scorp. I don’t want to be emotional, intense, passionate and loyal. I want to break that part away from me because it is bringing me absolutely no good.

I hate being alone.

is this it?

I love the quote, “everything happens for a reason.”

I use it to explain a lot of things that has happened in my life. Good. Bad. Indifferent “things.”

But WHAT is that reason? Did my stbex choose this life so that I can be punished for something? For something in my past? Is this my karma?

I am lonely. The kids went with him this morning and won’t be back until 6:00 tomorrow night. I am lonely.

Why does he get to have someone to spend his time with? I have spent the whole day doing nothing. I am lonely.

I want someone to share my empty time with. I get so sad and down when it’s just me in this house. My friends are all busy with their families and I am here. Alone. I’ts not their problem that I’m alone. I am jealous of their lives.

Jealous, sad, lonely, depressed, throwing a pity party right now.

I could pop a xanax and go to bed right now. Last night, I went to bed at 8:30. My Friday night was CRAZY!

I am such an outgoing, people person. This is not good for me. I can’t take it.

painful

quote-William-Shatner-divorce-is-probably-as-painful-as-death-148392

Today I had to meet with my lawyer. She handed me a stack of paper and said, “here, start looking at these. I’ll be right back.”

Words. Words that I don’t understand. Legal jargon and a lot of “wife”, “husband”, “assets”, “children”, “divorce.”

My head started spinning and the tears started flowing. I don’t want to be sitting in her office, reading this shit. I don’t want to have to do this. NO. NO. This is NOT what my life was supposed to be like.

pain.

The tears keep coming and the tissues are crumpled up, soaked with my salty tears. My heart is crumpled. Crumpled and breaking.

I don’t want him back. I just can’t seem to get past the death of what my and my children’s lives were supposed to be like with this person. (I can’t call him a man. A real man wouldn’t do this)

“Divorce is probably as painful as death.”

Yep.

There is no funeral. No burial. You continue to have to see this person who you trusted with your entire soul. This person didn’t die. Although I often say that my life would be so much easier if he did.

No. This person (and his whore) are walking around, breathing the same air that I am. Living in the same craphole town that I am. They are alive and happy. Playing house with MY children. Buying MY children clothes, toys, shoes. Whatever they want.  She’s not their mother and she never will be. I can’t wait for karma to rear it’s ugly head.

For now, I am in pain. Still. I have been in pain for a very, very, very long time. Years. I don’t know when I will come out of this. I thought I was better. Lately I have just been in pain. In shock. How could someone do this to his wife and children? Why did he marry me in the first place? How can he be ok with how things are?

I had to figure out a “holiday schedule” with my lawyer today. Christmas, Thanksgiving, THEIR BIRTHDAY. I am their mother. I carried them for 7.5 months. I SHOULD NOT be away from them on their birthday, EVER. Am I wrong? I can’t imagine being away from my children on their birthday. I shouldn’t have to make a schedule like this. They shouldn’t have to alternate weekends, vacations, holidays, etc. All of this is bullshit. All because he is selfish.

Selfish.

1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2.characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself:

selfish motives.
He never thought of the kids. He never had the kids best interest in mind. If he did, we wouldn’t be in this boat. We would have fixed our marriage and life would be “normal.”
But this will never happen. NEVER. NEVER.
This is all very painful.

my ship lights

c6d34b3e977178a4dbaae054cbefe222

noun: friend; plural noun: friends; noun: Friend; plural noun: Friends
  1. 1.
    a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
    syn: companion, soul mate, confidant, similar, kindred spirit, sidekick, buddy, homies, bff, peeps, best friend, ally…
    Ship lights.
    What a feeling it is to know that my friends are there to keep me safe in the stormiest of nights. Stormiest days. Stormiest hours. Stormiest minutes, seconds, nanoseconds.
    They are my blessings. My girls. My shoulders to lean on and feet to keep me moving forward.
    I got back a few hours ago from our annual weekend away. This year we went to NYC for a few days. It’s like not a day has passed and we pick up right where we left off the last time. I can BE MYSELF with my girls. WE can be ourselves. I shake off all of the cobwebs, drama, hateful feelings, bitterness, etc and just be me. It’s 48 hours of constant laughter. Quick witted comebacks and one-liners. Hugs, laughter, happiness, jokes…
    ship lights.
    We all got to NY sometime in the afternoon on Friday. Everyone was traveling from different states..MD, NH, MA and two of us from NY.  Every trip we take, I have a travel buddy. Makes it that much more fun. One year we drove, the next took a train and this year we flew. Planes, trains and automobiles!
    The weekend went way too fast. Friday night we decided to really let loose and “indulge” more than we would on Saturday night. Who wants to be hungover traveling on Sunday? Not us.
    Friday was a blast. Bits and pieces are coming back to me. Drinks were flowing. Jokes were told. Stories were shared. Bonds were made.
    Saturday we walked. and walked. and walked. We shopped. and shopped. and shopped. In Chinatown we found a sign that said “COLDASS WATER, $3.”  More laughter. We followed a sketchy lady to some hideout behind a statue of a Chinese dragon. There we were; huddled in a circle, checking out their knock off purses. A secret society.  A sketchy secret society…
    Cab rides. Scary drivers. Nasty cologne. Brand new cabs. Screeching. Stopping. Going. Honking. Constant stimulation in NYC. I could never live there.
    Saturday night. I have not had that much fun in a LONG, LONG, LONG time. We laughed until our stomachs were sore and then we’d laugh some more. We made friends with the waiter–it was his last night working there. He is striving to be a comedian. Little did he know, we are quite funny ourselves. You can only imagine the banter that went back and forth. All night. We filled our stomachs with delicious food and drink. The diets were tossed away until Monday. Deserts were eaten. The wine was flowing. The conversation was never serious. Light. Fun. It always is.
    Today we had to say good bye to each other. It’s always bittersweet because I don’t want to leave; yet I know we will be traveling again next year to make more memories. And more after that. We all leave to go back to our routine. Back to reality. Back to the daily grind. Back to our children; them to their spouses.
    I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have them in my life. I need them to help me weather my storm. I know I can count on them whenever I need them. They know that they can count on me too.
    I need my ship lights. Life is quite a stormy journey.

at it again.

my emotions.

They’re at it again. Bubbling up inside until they are boiling over out into my reality.

Too hot to keep down. I might burn.

I’m bubbling, rumbling, boiling…Can’t keep them in. I hate them. I despise them. I thought they were gone.

Boy was I wrong.

My hopes for a tight knit family shattered like glass. My hopes for a marriage and our biological children living together under the same roof, growing old together, enjoying grandchildren together.

My dad wasn’t around a lot. I think that makes me despise divorce even more.

It’s not supposed to be this way.

My children were not supposed to grow up like this.

I can’t get passed it.

I have so much hatred boiling up inside of me. I hate, loathe, despise another human whom I once loved with all of my heart. Who I had trusted. Who had broken that trust. My trust. The kids trust. Our families trust.

I cried today. While folding my kids laundry. Doing chores. Chores that should be done with a loving spouse under the same roof. I collapsed into a pile of unmatched socks and folded pjs. Cried. Sobbed. Dried my tears with a sock.

I don’t want him back. I want the man that I married back. Not this disgusting, cruel, backstabbing, unfaithful, untrustworthy, lying piece of shit.

I want to have someone in my life that I can just “be” with. Be myself with. Be lazy with.

That won’t come until I let go of the past.

That’s the hard part. Why can’t I just LET IT GO. The hopes, the dreams, the vision of our future.

I’m staring at the life that I never wanted. My emotions got the better of me today. I got burned.

…. and I’m back.

In counseling.
I haven’t been here in a while. I thought I had my shit together. It’s amazing how much you need someone to help you get back on track.

My therapist is amazing.  Amazing.

I can be myself around her.  She gets me.  It’s like she’s lived inside my head and can sift through the twists and turns of my psyche. 

Amazing. 

I need to be back here.  I’m starting to fall off the “I’m strong now.  I can handle this”  wagon.

I felt a lot of rage today.  Stbex. His whore.  The problems.  The death of a vision I once had. 

It’s all sad to me again. As I am sitting here in her waiting room,  I could cry all over again. 

I need her to clean out the gunk and messed up shit that’s floating around my brain.  Heal the battle wounds,  patch up my lacerations,  give me a good dose of medicine  (aka reality check)  and send me on my way.

I’ll be back again next week.  And probably the week after that. 

And so my life goes on.  One day at a time.  But these past few days have felt like I’m walking in a battlefield and no guns are dropped.  The bullets keep flying and I have no where to go except through them.

Amazing.

Suffering lies in attachment

Must. Read. This. Everyday.

embracingmylifenow

You don’t have to read much that I write to know that I believe that there is a force that guides us and there are signs and lessons everywhere if only you pay attention.

Lately I’ve been letting a lot of things get into my head.  That’s not unusual. What was unusual was not being able to work through them and instead let them swirl around until I was feeling desperate and filled with extreme anxiety and even hopelessness.  Most of the time I allow these situations or circumstances to enter in allowing myself to feel uneasy and sometimes scared…till I let them out and start to find solutions.  This was not one of those times.  It had been building up for so long that I felt I was nearing a full and complete meltdown.

Almost as soon as I made the appointment to see my  counselor things started to…

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