Grudges.

grudge

While my dad was in the hospital, I talked to him about the fact that he holds grudges towards his siblings for silly things.

Stupid things.

Trivial things.

After he had his heart attack and was literally brought back from the dead by my stbex, we all thought he would have a different take on life.

Be happier.

Hold less grudges.

But my dad being my dad did not change. What a fool I was.

After this surgery I told him how fragile life is.

That it’s pointless to hold grudges and carry around all of this anger.

Why is it so hard to practice what we preach? Why is it so easy to tell someone to just “let it go.”

But we can’t.

Why is it so easy for us to share our opinion and give (fairly good) advice, yet not take it for ourselves?

Should I let my dad stew in his bitterness? Can I compare it to mine?

He takes things so personally. Things that were said or done to him are NOT things to be angry about and cut people out of his life.

Betrayal, lies, deceit, irresponsibility and selfishness are things that I can be angry about. I don’t want to be, but I still am. I still hate him. I cried yesterday. Why? Because as soon as I pulled back into this town after being at home for a week a flood of emotions hit me. I realized, yet again,  that my dreams for my marriage and family were crushed by the one person I trusted and loved. (Even through multiple affairs)

Am I justified in my anger and grudges, but my father is not?

I’m angry just thinking about it…

My story.

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The kids are eating dinner and it’s quiet so I’d figure I’d post my story…I can’t make this stuff up!

We were married in July 2006. Best friends, perfect pair (in my eyes) and soul mates.

Year one: We had fun! Went out,  socialized and were loving the married life. Little did I know my stbex started resenting me for “little things. ” Never communicated.

Year two: Stbex got a new job in a SMALL TOWN that I did not want to love in. I agreed to go because this was a stepping stone in his career. We move. I HATE it. Severe depression kicked in and I was in bed every night at 5. That’s my coping mechanism. Not ONCE did stbex come in to check on me. I never stopped loving him; I stopped loving myself.

Bring on the twins! Yay! We’re pregnant. Twins run in my family. Surprise! Now I’m severely depressed, hating my job and having to deal with double the hormones. Great. Stbex still didn’t understand why I couldn’t “snap out of it. ” The doctor put me on bed rest so I went home. Instantly. Stbex never expressed his feelings because he was afraid of pushing me over the edge. In March his mother was diagnosed with brain cancer. In May the babies came. 6 weeks early. In June my stbex saved my father’s life on the golf course. Dropped dead, heart attack, no breathing,  no pulse. His quick thinking, CPR and a defibrillator saved his life.

In the fall we all.go back up to that small town. That I hate. New job, new apartment, new babies. New body. Blah. Again, stbex never communicated his feelings towards me about “not showing him enough love.” I’m not a mind reader.

They took me off birth control pills and put me on blood pressure meds. I was having auras and migraines daily. Debilitating….

My mother in law passed away on December 17 2008. We were all with her when she passed. I cannot even describe what it was like watching someone you love so much die in a matter of days right before your eyes. That’s the day I lost my husband too.

In February of 2009 I went in to have a mass removed from my lung. It was a twin that I absorbed when my mother was pregnant. Crazy stuff, right? Anyway I was super scared but stbex and I decided to go through with it anyway because if I let it go it could eventually burst and kill me. (At that time we had NO clue it was my twin) When I woke up, I couldn’t see anything in my right peripheral vision. “It’s just the anesthesia so just sleep it off.” Ok. Six hours later I woke up and still couldn’t see. Doctors stand at the foot of my bed resting their chins on theor fingers, scratching their heads. They sent me down for an MIR and CT scan. When I got back to my room this is the conversation I had with the nurse…

Me: “What is going on? Am I foing to go blind?”

Nurse: “We don’t know.”

YOU DON’T KNOW???

This word  change my life forever:
STROKE.

I had a stroke in my occipital lobe in my brain. Effects my vision. Remember all those migraines and auras that I was having? Those were mini strokes. I live with a blurry spot. It’s always there. Part of my vision is gone. It will never come back. I haven’t had a migraine or aura since the stroke. Small wins.

I was out of work for three months.

Year three: Stbex got a job back in the town that we lived in. Yay! We are going back! I got a job, we got a house. I lived with my parents for that summer. He’d drive up on the weekends. Me and the kids moved back at the end of that summer. So happy to be back. This is where we belonged.

Enter bar tender. My stbex started an emotional affair with a bar tender while we were still at my parent’s place. Our first year back was pure hell. He wouldn’t come home after work, pushed away from me and emotionally detached himself from our marriage. I found out in May of 2010. Yes, they had sex. Disgusting. As soon as he told me I knew that I wanted to fix our marriage. We have children! We need to fix it!

Counselor after counselor. Drink after drink. Stbex moved out. Was taking heavy duty anti depressants and drinking heavily. Moved back in. Drinking stopped.

Year four to present: Still hell. Nothing was working. My heart ached to have my husband back. Same thing. Wasn’t coming home at night. Sought the advice from a female co worker on divorce. She just divorced her husband. She wanted mine. She dug her claws in amd never let go.

The lies he would tell would make your head spin. To me, her, our friends and family.

He files for divorce in August of 2013 and moved out. I said “no I do not agree with divorce.” I found a phenomenal counseling team. Stbex was seeing the husband of my counselor. He to work on his issues (never grieving his mother’s death, poor choices he’s made etc) and I to work on my reactions. (I’m Italian…and I’ve been burned by him many many times)

The ultimate goal was that we were going to come together, the four of us, to see if we can save our marriage.

On Christmas morning he showed up late and missed seeing the kids open their gifts from Santa. He lied and said he was going to see his family which is about five hours away. Lie.

My.mother found a picture of he and his co-worker girlfriend on facebook. He was spending the holidays with her family. Not his own children. I was paralyzed for weeks.

They have been living together this whole time. He lied to me, our counselors, family and friends. He has been in Florida with her for the past week on vacation. I am leaving to take the kids to see my family for this coming up week.

The man I once knew—kind hearted, caring, family man, loving is now dead. I have had to not only grieve the death of my husband but also the death of my hopes for a great marriage for my children. He rarely sees them and when he calls they don’t want to talk to him.

Apparently he’s already cheated on this flavor of the month. But they’ve been together for two years all while we were going to counseling.

Marriage is very important to me  I took my vows very seriously. I’ll never do it again.

I plan to leave this town and move back to my hometown. I’ve applied for teaching positions and I am ready to go.
Our divorce is no where near finished. I know that I’ve gotten stronger since Christmas but I fall back once in a while.

I have been emotionally beaten down to nothing. He’s damaged me right to my core.

But everyone tells me that I’ll survive.