It’s back.

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NOT the “oh my god I am so desperate to save our marriage” thing.

He is back. From Florida. (This was his SECOND trip there this month. We live in NY)

Must be nice.

While he was gone I felt strong, calm, in control.

Not anymore. I just want to scream. Life was so much easier when he was away.

I like it when he’s away. I am calm. I am strong. I am ME.

Now I am wound up tighter than a ball of rubber bands.

I want to let loose on him and tell him how stupid he is. Stupid stupid stupid.

Or am I stupid? Wait. I am the stupid one. I am the stupid one for allowing his presence to affect me. I cannot allow him to control my emotions. I have to pretend he is still in Florida. (Sort of hard to do when I have to see him for a milli-second when he comes over to see the kids and I become the cockroach again.)

BUT I can’t allow him to drive me insane. I makes me angry. Right? He is causing this anger and rage in me. I really do hate him. I never thought in 15 years that I would utter those words. I am not going to dwell on how things used to be. All I know is that I can’t stand the sight of him.

I wasn’t raging when he was gone.

I will not allow myself to get angry now that he is back.

I can’t.

I was driving to work today and I realized that my hands were holding so tightly onto the steering wheel. Woah. I turned off the radio and released my hands. (Safely…) Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Mind chatter. I turned the radio back on for background noise. My sense of calm and ability to calm myself ┬áis barely there now that he is back.

Maybe it’s in Florida.

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I’ve turned a corner.

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Never in a million years would I ever think I would be here. I thought I would be crawled in my bed forever.

I am in shock to see how far I’ve come from August 2013 to now. Yes counseling and meds help, and the knitting (you should see what I am making now!) helps but I actually feel different.

I don’t get that flood of anger that comes up from the deepest, darkest places of my soul. I get a little nervous if I hear something new, but it fades.

Fades like the memories I had of holding onto hope. Holding on so tightly for the slightest, minuscule chance of saving our marriage.

Fades like the memories of me crying in bed, or at work, or in the car all the time wondering “why?”

Not anymore. I did nothing wrong. I did nothing to deserve this and I DESERVE BETTER. So do my kids.

I am content with my boring little life right now. No crying, no wondering why, no sleepless nights, no trying to get it all figured out.

I can take a deep breathe and exhale. That breath just fades away lile my horrifying memories.