Today I feel….

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1feel·ing

noun \ˈfē-liŋ\

: an awareness by your body of something in it or on it

: an emotional state or reaction

: thoughts of wanting to help someone who is sick, hungry, in trouble, etc.

 

I have been in many emotional states lately. 

Calm

Crazed

Sad

Angry

Happy

and the list could go on and on. 

Today I feel anxious. It feels like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. Although that could be the fact that I’ve had two cups of coffee. One more than usual.

Something happened on the school bus to one of my children. No details needed, but it is forcing me to communicate with my stbex. When I cut off contact with him I felt strong. Alive. Happy. Peaceful. Now I have to speak with him regarding this incident and all of my bad feelings come back. I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to wonder if this could be fixed. I know it can’t. My mind is swirling with all of these thoughts and sometimes I can’t stop it. I try to focus on my breathing. Walk when walking. Be in the moment, be present, chant, mantra, knitting, reading. 

My mind is my worst enemy. I wish I could take out my brain, wash away the bad stuff, and put it back in. Erase any confusing, swirling thoughts and start fresh. Isn’t that what erasers are for? Removing the mistake and starting over? 

When I wasn’t communicating with him I wasn’t having any confusing, sad thoughts. All I could think about were me and the kids. He’s pushing things with his lawyer and it’s starting to take a toll with me. I just wish he could go away.

I wish I could erase him. Start over. Bring back the original sketch of the man I married. But I can’t.

Breathe in, breathe out.

One day at a time. 

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Stress much?

imagesI follow many mindfulness blogs, read many books on how to “be present” and practice concentrating on my breath when I realize that I’m not even breathing.  My stress levels are really, really high that I can’t even begin to process how to deal with it all and “just be.” The reactions in my body are so strong that it feels as if there is a little man living in my chest just pounding away with a hammer, trying to get free.

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I guess that could be a metaphor for my heart and head.

I am so overwhelmed by my life’s current state. You know the phrase, “when it rains, it pours”? Well it’s a frickin tsunami in my world.  How can I just “let go” and “just be” when I have huge waves of stressors crashing on me everyday? How can I deal with it?

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Alone.

Triggers. Those nasty little gnats that pop up in my face every once in a while. I try to swat them away but they have already bitten. (Do gnats really bite?) Anyway, as soon as I experience a trigger I have heart palpitations, sweaty hands, swirling thoughts of anger, hurt, sadness and I just want to crawl back in bed and cry.

I thought I was doing better.

My counselor said I was doing better.

But I’m not.

I still don’t understand and I know I never will. These damn triggers bring up things that I thought I had dealt with already. Damn gnats. I hate gnats.

 

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So to say that I am stressed is an understatement. I need a personal relaxation specialist. A life coach who could follow me around and tell me EXACTLY what to do so I can live a normal life. Slap me in the face if I freak out. Pinch me if I get too anxious. Punch me in the gut if I try to reason with unreasonable actions brought upon me by someone I trusted and loved.

If you know of anyone who would be willing to take on such a task, just send them my way.

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