: an awareness by your body of something in it or on it
: an emotional state or reaction
I follow many mindfulness blogs, read many books on how to “be present” and practice concentrating on my breath when I realize that I’m not even breathing. My stress levels are really, really high that I can’t even begin to process how to deal with it all and “just be.” The reactions in my body are so strong that it feels as if there is a little man living in my chest just pounding away with a hammer, trying to get free.
I guess that could be a metaphor for my heart and head.
I am so overwhelmed by my life’s current state. You know the phrase, “when it rains, it pours”? Well it’s a frickin tsunami in my world. How can I just “let go” and “just be” when I have huge waves of stressors crashing on me everyday? How can I deal with it?
Triggers. Those nasty little gnats that pop up in my face every once in a while. I try to swat them away but they have already bitten. (Do gnats really bite?) Anyway, as soon as I experience a trigger I have heart palpitations, sweaty hands, swirling thoughts of anger, hurt, sadness and I just want to crawl back in bed and cry.
I thought I was doing better.
My counselor said I was doing better.
But I’m not.
I still don’t understand and I know I never will. These damn triggers bring up things that I thought I had dealt with already. Damn gnats. I hate gnats.
So to say that I am stressed is an understatement. I need a personal relaxation specialist. A life coach who could follow me around and tell me EXACTLY what to do so I can live a normal life. Slap me in the face if I freak out. Pinch me if I get too anxious. Punch me in the gut if I try to reason with unreasonable actions brought upon me by someone I trusted and loved.
If you know of anyone who would be willing to take on such a task, just send them my way.