Today I feel….

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1feel·ing

noun \ˈfē-liŋ\

: an awareness by your body of something in it or on it

: an emotional state or reaction

: thoughts of wanting to help someone who is sick, hungry, in trouble, etc.

 

I have been in many emotional states lately. 

Calm

Crazed

Sad

Angry

Happy

and the list could go on and on. 

Today I feel anxious. It feels like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. Although that could be the fact that I’ve had two cups of coffee. One more than usual.

Something happened on the school bus to one of my children. No details needed, but it is forcing me to communicate with my stbex. When I cut off contact with him I felt strong. Alive. Happy. Peaceful. Now I have to speak with him regarding this incident and all of my bad feelings come back. I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to wonder if this could be fixed. I know it can’t. My mind is swirling with all of these thoughts and sometimes I can’t stop it. I try to focus on my breathing. Walk when walking. Be in the moment, be present, chant, mantra, knitting, reading. 

My mind is my worst enemy. I wish I could take out my brain, wash away the bad stuff, and put it back in. Erase any confusing, swirling thoughts and start fresh. Isn’t that what erasers are for? Removing the mistake and starting over? 

When I wasn’t communicating with him I wasn’t having any confusing, sad thoughts. All I could think about were me and the kids. He’s pushing things with his lawyer and it’s starting to take a toll with me. I just wish he could go away.

I wish I could erase him. Start over. Bring back the original sketch of the man I married. But I can’t.

Breathe in, breathe out.

One day at a time. 

It’s back.

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NOT the “oh my god I am so desperate to save our marriage” thing.

He is back. From Florida. (This was his SECOND trip there this month. We live in NY)

Must be nice.

While he was gone I felt strong, calm, in control.

Not anymore. I just want to scream. Life was so much easier when he was away.

I like it when he’s away. I am calm. I am strong. I am ME.

Now I am wound up tighter than a ball of rubber bands.

I want to let loose on him and tell him how stupid he is. Stupid stupid stupid.

Or am I stupid? Wait. I am the stupid one. I am the stupid one for allowing his presence to affect me. I cannot allow him to control my emotions. I have to pretend he is still in Florida. (Sort of hard to do when I have to see him for a milli-second when he comes over to see the kids and I become the cockroach again.)

BUT I can’t allow him to drive me insane. I makes me angry. Right? He is causing this anger and rage in me. I really do hate him. I never thought in 15 years that I would utter those words. I am not going to dwell on how things used to be. All I know is that I can’t stand the sight of him.

I wasn’t raging when he was gone.

I will not allow myself to get angry now that he is back.

I can’t.

I was driving to work today and I realized that my hands were holding so tightly onto the steering wheel. Woah. I turned off the radio and released my hands. (Safely…) Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Mind chatter. I turned the radio back on for background noise. My sense of calm and ability to calm myself  is barely there now that he is back.

Maybe it’s in Florida.