I haven’t written in a long time. I’ve been told that I should continue writing–not just for me, but also for those that read these.
So, I am. I opened up my laptop and logged in. I started reading my past posts. GOD what a change. The old me is still inside, but she’s teeny tiny. Smaller version. Floats around and is barely visible. Sometimes she makes herself known, but very quickly disappears back to where she came from.
So where am I now? Calmer. Quieter. Less stressed. Less wound up. Less tense.
When I talk about my path, I always say that blogging really helped me get through those years of pain, darkness, death. It really did. That and knitting. I have a “divorce scarf” that I knitted while going through that. I still wear it to remind me of how far I’ve come. It’s not perfect. Neither am I.
NOT the “oh my god I am so desperate to save our marriage” thing.
He is back. From Florida. (This was his SECOND trip there this month. We live in NY)
Must be nice.
While he was gone I felt strong, calm, in control.
Not anymore. I just want to scream. Life was so much easier when he was away.
I like it when he’s away. I am calm. I am strong. I am ME.
Now I am wound up tighter than a ball of rubber bands.
I want to let loose on him and tell him how stupid he is. Stupid stupid stupid.
Or am I stupid? Wait. I am the stupid one. I am the stupid one for allowing his presence to affect me. I cannot allow him to control my emotions. I have to pretend he is still in Florida. (Sort of hard to do when I have to see him for a milli-second when he comes over to see the kids and I become the cockroach again.)
BUT I can’t allow him to drive me insane. I makes me angry. Right? He is causing this anger and rage in me. I really do hate him. I never thought in 15 years that I would utter those words. I am not going to dwell on how things used to be. All I know is that I can’t stand the sight of him.
I wasn’t raging when he was gone.
I will not allow myself to get angry now that he is back.
I was driving to work today and I realized that my hands were holding so tightly onto the steering wheel. Woah. I turned off the radio and released my hands. (Safely…) Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Mind chatter. I turned the radio back on for background noise. My sense of calm and ability to calm myself is barely there now that he is back.
Maybe it’s in Florida.