: an awareness by your body of something in it or on it
: an emotional state or reaction
NOT the “oh my god I am so desperate to save our marriage” thing.
He is back. From Florida. (This was his SECOND trip there this month. We live in NY)
Must be nice.
While he was gone I felt strong, calm, in control.
Not anymore. I just want to scream. Life was so much easier when he was away.
I like it when he’s away. I am calm. I am strong. I am ME.
Now I am wound up tighter than a ball of rubber bands.
I want to let loose on him and tell him how stupid he is. Stupid stupid stupid.
Or am I stupid? Wait. I am the stupid one. I am the stupid one for allowing his presence to affect me. I cannot allow him to control my emotions. I have to pretend he is still in Florida. (Sort of hard to do when I have to see him for a milli-second when he comes over to see the kids and I become the cockroach again.)
BUT I can’t allow him to drive me insane. I makes me angry. Right? He is causing this anger and rage in me. I really do hate him. I never thought in 15 years that I would utter those words. I am not going to dwell on how things used to be. All I know is that I can’t stand the sight of him.
I wasn’t raging when he was gone.
I will not allow myself to get angry now that he is back.
I was driving to work today and I realized that my hands were holding so tightly onto the steering wheel. Woah. I turned off the radio and released my hands. (Safely…) Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Mind chatter. I turned the radio back on for background noise. My sense of calm and ability to calm myself is barely there now that he is back.
Maybe it’s in Florida.