Even the lyrics have changed.

I love Paul Simon. I had his Graceland cd many, many years ago. It’s been lost through either one of my many moves or the tornado that ripped through my town a few years back. (We lost the garage, everything in it and two cars. No one was hurt, thank god)

My father is pretty tech savvy. I told him that there are a few cds that I had and would love to be able to listen to, (without buying them..)

One of them was Graceland. This weekend while I was home, my tech savvy 66 year old father burned some cds for me. As soon as I put that cd in, the kids and I were having a blast on our 2.5 hour trip home.

When I originally had this cd, I would sing along and it made me feel happy. Paul still does that, but the lyrics and meanings have changed. It’s amazing how we interpret songs at different points in our lives. For example:

“Graceland”

The Mississippi Delta was shining
Like a National guitar
I am following the river
Down the highway
Through the cradle of the civil warI’m going to Graceland
Graceland
In Memphis Tennessee
I’m going to Graceland
Poorboys and Pilgrims with families
And we are going to Graceland
My traveling companion is nine years old
He is the child of my first marriage
But I’ve reason to believe
We both will be received
In Graceland

She comes back to tell me she’s gone
As if I didn’t know that
As if I didn’t know my own bed
As if I’d never noticed
The way she brushed her hair from her forehead
And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow

I’m going to Graceland
Memphis Tennessee
I’m going to Graceland
Poorboys and Pilgrims with families
And we are going to Graceland

And my traveling companions
Are ghosts and empty sockets
I’m looking at ghosts and empties
But I’ve reason to believe
We all will be received
In Graceland

There is a girl in New York City
Who calls herself the human trampoline
And sometimes when I’m falling, flying
Or tumbling in turmoil I say
Oh, so this is what she means
She means we’re bouncing into Graceland
And I see losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow

In Graceland, in Graceland
I’m going to Graceland
For reasons I cannot explain
There’s some part of me wants to see
Graceland
And I may be obliged to defend
Every love, every ending
Or maybe there’s no obligations now
Maybe I’ve a reason to believe
We all will be received
In Graceland

This part is what sounded different to me:
She comes back to tell me she’s gone
As if I didn’t know that
As if I didn’t know my own bed
As if I’d never noticed
The way she brushed her hair from her forehead
And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow
Especially the part that talks about losing love.
It IS like a window in your heart.
Everyone CAN see you’re blown apart.
The younger version of myself didn’t think anything of that. This older, wiser, experienced version of myself thinks, “holy shit!  This is SO SO SO true!”
I’ve never really paid attention to the lyrics. Why? Because I didn’t have to. I just sang along to a catchy, popular tune.
This whole experience that I’ve gone through with my stbex made me open my eyes and ears to things that I have been missing.
Good things and not so good things.
Nevertheless, every time I hear that part of Graceland, it’s tones, melodies and words fill me with such a feeling as if to say “we get it. we know how you feel/felt. it’s ok. your loss is a window to your heart and your friends and family have seen it all. you can show us the love now.”
Thanks, Paul.
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NOT MY PROBLEM.

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Finances. What a pain in the you know what. 

I separated my finances from our joint account. We have automatic bill payment for some and I was unaware of when those bills were going out. Stbex was in Florida vacationing and didn’t tell me that they were going out. If I knew they were going out, I would have transferred my half into our joint. Still with me here?

Stbex gets paid ONCE a month. The beginning. All the bills went out and he has ZERO money. He emailed me an itemized list of my half of the bills. “You owe me $1500.00 and I am giving you two pay periods to get it back to me.”

Ok.

I gave him $500 when I got paid last. He told me that his bills were $250. Those of us who can subtract (or divide) would know that would leave him with how much?

Let’s see…. $500-$250= $250

Let’s try it another way.. $500/2= $250

So you see, boys and girls, that would leave him with $250.00 to spend. Last weekend he spent money on his Alumni Golf Tournament that he “had to play in.”

Now he has no money to buy the kids birthday presents. They turn six on Saturday, party on Sunday. 

NOT MY PROBLEM. I told him that I will be buying EVERYTHING for their birthday from the bounce house to the cups. He can subtract that amount from my “bill.”

“But I have zero money!!!” 

The kids won’t have a gift from you but you made sure you played golf.  Nice.

Am I wrong? Should I be feeling bad for this S.O.B for putting his needs first? NO. I shouldn’t. Next thing you know I will be getting a letter from his lawyer. 

I will be giving him a SMALL (read that again folks, SMALL) amount from my paycheck on Friday. SMALL. I have bills to pay and a birthday party to fund. I’m only a teacher. I certainly don’t teach for the paycheck. 

I am getting anxious just thinking about it because I am afraid of what he is going to do next. I know he will call his lawyer and throw some nasty crap my way. (Sorry, I couldn’t think of a better word than CRAP.)

This weekend will be quite interesting.

My mother has not spoken to him since Christmas.

My father? Who knows. He saved my fathers life when they were golfing six years ago. Dropped dead. CPR and defib and he brought him back to life. My father thought he walked on water. NOT anymore. You can bet the farm that my father will be there as well.

Not only my family, but friends of mine who USED to be his friends. People who he now calls “bad influences on the kids.” NOW.

Now, things are different. There will be so much tension in the air at the party on Sunday that I am going to need to take a Xanax. YES!! I totally forgot that I had some. I have to. I will be cordial. Not angry or mean. It’s the kids party! My babies are going to be SIX!

My heart hasn’t stopped racing since this conversation over text messaging started. I thought writing it out would help. Maybe I need to pick up my knitting needles….

 

One day at a time…

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That has been my mantra since I dug myself out of the suffocating and exhausting vortex of pain. For months I was stuck in this swirling tornado of emotions. 

My whole world was sucked into this monster and spit out far away from anything that I had hoped for. I was always worrying about the future. Never living in the now.

It has taken me a while to stop my mind from perseverating on “what will be.” I have somehow blocked (or killed) any thoughts or notions of my desire and hope for a healthy marriage. The thought doesn’t even really cross my mind anymore. Have I accepted it? Yes, I have moments where I fall back into some emotional sand storm, but I come out quicker than before. I have to “get through” the emotions because there is no way “around them.” (If my stbex worked through his emotions we wouldn’t be in this mess)

I was talking to my father yesterday and he said to me; “What do you think is going to happen LONG TERM? Do you think you’ll be living there? Moving?”

My response? “Dad, I am only worrying about May 18th 2014. Then tomorrow, I will only be worrying about May 19th, 2014 and so on.”

I can’t predict the future. I can’t think about the future. I can only think about this day. What are my jobs today? Get up, get the kids out the door, teach the youth of America, pick up kids, make memories with kids, kiss them hug them love them. Today. 

I will think about tomorrow when it comes. 

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

-Siddhartha Gautama

Let’s take a break.

wpid-wp-1397611623259.jpgI mean from my story. I drove my father two hours for back surgery today. I cried when I left because I didn’t know if it would be the last time I would see him.

He has THE best neurosurgeon. ..works on Dallas Cowboys and plenty of NHL players.

A 66 year old Vietnam vet is right up there with them in my book. Number one.

I am sitting here (patiently) waiting for him to come up from recovery. He’s going to be in a lot of pain but his quality of life is going to sky rocket.

What is that? Another metaphor for my life? Wow. It literally just smacked me on the head as I sit in this cold hospital room…

My father endured years and years of pain in his lower back. Bone on bone with nerves pinched in between. They took out the broken pieces and replaced it with strong titanium mesh. He’ll be a new person….in about two weeks.

I am removing the broken and dead pieces from my life as well. The pieces that have caused me so much pain for all of these years.

Once I am strong like that titanium piece that is in my dad’s back, my quality of life with sky rocket too.

Bring it on Dr. M!