one step can change everything.

I thought I was passed all of this.

I thought I had cried all my tears, forgotten about “them” and was stronger than this.

Friday was the first time that I laid eyes on “her” since the truth came out.  One foot out of a store in the mall and there she was.

one step can change everything.

I honestly didn’t think that I would react in the way I did. She didn’t see me; thank god.

Frozen.

Heart racing.

Sweaty palms.

Anger. Anger. Anger. Sadness. Sadness. Sadness.

I called one of my girlfriends (after calling stbex and bitching him out) and she talked me off the ledge.

I walked out to my car and then the tears started flowing.

Flowing like hot lava on my cold cheeks onto my cold hands, pooling in my ears as I talk on the phone.

That totally fucked me up.

The kids were with him this weekend.

I was ALONE. Sick and alone.

Lonely. Alone. Solo.

No one to take care of me while I was sick. No one to rot on the couch with.

The kids came back tonight at 6.

Come to find out “she” spent the whole weekend with them.

Painting pumpkins, making cookies, doing FAMILY things.

That’s MY family.

She was NOT part of this plan. This is not how my life was supposed to be.

This is NOT how the kids lives were supposed to go.

After I learned that she was there this weekend, (according to lawyers and law guardian, she’s not supposed to be there when the kids are until they are interviewed by the law guardian) the tears started flowing again.

Hot lava on my cold cheeks, hands, ears. Burning and stinging like salt on an open wound.

It wouldn’t stop.

All the emotions came back and I couldn’t stop them. The dam had unleashed it’s fury of anger, sadness, depression, tears into my once calm state.

Why does this still hurt? How can I still be sad about this? I don’t want him. I am sad over the death of the vision that I had for our family. I was the one who should be painting pumpkins and making cookies with my family. NOT her.

Run away. Run away as fast as I can. That’s my next thought.

What I want for my kids is not here. It’s home. Family, friends, memories.

Yes their father and his whore are here, but this is not what I want for my children. I want tradition. Family and friends. Holidays together. Lazy summers together.

I don’t get that here. I won’t have that here.

one step can change everything.

Advertisements

How to kick a dog when it’s down.

25

I went for my interview. Was I supposed to? Who knows what is right or wrong in this vast universe.

I went. I NAILED it. Co-teaching Math to high schoolers. Piece of cake. I had so much fun in that interview. I was myself, energetic, bubbly and answered all of their questions. It’s Special Education and I’ve been doing it for 11 years.

A letter came in the mail yesterday. “Thank you for taking the time to interview for this position but we have chosen to give it to another candidate.”

I wasn’t sure (before I got the letter) if I REALLY wanted it. I was bummed because that opportunity (for now) to move back home with my kids isn’t there.

Is it a sign that I should stay for at least another year? Move 20 minutes away to the next town instead of 2.5 hours  away from their father?

I am so indecisive that my brain literally hurts.

I can’t sleep at night.

It’s all I think about.

I’m sure all of my friends are frankly sick and tired of hearing about it.

I need to stop.

I need to remember to take one day at a time.

Like right now. I have to read a Living Environment Regent’s Exam to some kids this afternoon. That’s all I should be concerned with.

WALK WHEN WALKING.

 

 

888ff89a2bada6b76bd798780eaa8349

NOT MY PROBLEM.

Image

 

Finances. What a pain in the you know what. 

I separated my finances from our joint account. We have automatic bill payment for some and I was unaware of when those bills were going out. Stbex was in Florida vacationing and didn’t tell me that they were going out. If I knew they were going out, I would have transferred my half into our joint. Still with me here?

Stbex gets paid ONCE a month. The beginning. All the bills went out and he has ZERO money. He emailed me an itemized list of my half of the bills. “You owe me $1500.00 and I am giving you two pay periods to get it back to me.”

Ok.

I gave him $500 when I got paid last. He told me that his bills were $250. Those of us who can subtract (or divide) would know that would leave him with how much?

Let’s see…. $500-$250= $250

Let’s try it another way.. $500/2= $250

So you see, boys and girls, that would leave him with $250.00 to spend. Last weekend he spent money on his Alumni Golf Tournament that he “had to play in.”

Now he has no money to buy the kids birthday presents. They turn six on Saturday, party on Sunday. 

NOT MY PROBLEM. I told him that I will be buying EVERYTHING for their birthday from the bounce house to the cups. He can subtract that amount from my “bill.”

“But I have zero money!!!” 

The kids won’t have a gift from you but you made sure you played golf.  Nice.

Am I wrong? Should I be feeling bad for this S.O.B for putting his needs first? NO. I shouldn’t. Next thing you know I will be getting a letter from his lawyer. 

I will be giving him a SMALL (read that again folks, SMALL) amount from my paycheck on Friday. SMALL. I have bills to pay and a birthday party to fund. I’m only a teacher. I certainly don’t teach for the paycheck. 

I am getting anxious just thinking about it because I am afraid of what he is going to do next. I know he will call his lawyer and throw some nasty crap my way. (Sorry, I couldn’t think of a better word than CRAP.)

This weekend will be quite interesting.

My mother has not spoken to him since Christmas.

My father? Who knows. He saved my fathers life when they were golfing six years ago. Dropped dead. CPR and defib and he brought him back to life. My father thought he walked on water. NOT anymore. You can bet the farm that my father will be there as well.

Not only my family, but friends of mine who USED to be his friends. People who he now calls “bad influences on the kids.” NOW.

Now, things are different. There will be so much tension in the air at the party on Sunday that I am going to need to take a Xanax. YES!! I totally forgot that I had some. I have to. I will be cordial. Not angry or mean. It’s the kids party! My babies are going to be SIX!

My heart hasn’t stopped racing since this conversation over text messaging started. I thought writing it out would help. Maybe I need to pick up my knitting needles….

 

I let the cat out of the bag.

Cats-Out-of-the-Bag

I shared with some close friends today that I started keeping a blog. I was honestly worried about what they would think.

Some desperate attempt at getting attention? (No.)

Blasting my stbex online in an open public forum? (No way. Ok….sometimes)

Putting my thoughts out there for the world to see an possibly connect with strangers who might be going through the same thing? (Absolutely)

Basic journaling with a pen and notebook wasn’t working for me anymore. I stumbled upon two blogs that really drew me in.

http://mustbethistalltoride.com/

and

http://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/

One led to the other one…I enjoy them both and thought to myself “I have a story to tell. I should do it here.”

I started this blog in December 2010. Never picked it back up until April 7 2014.

It seems that major life changes always hurl me into different ways of expressing myself.

Knitting

Working out (I used to be skinny…)

Journaling

Going to counseling

Now this blog. This has really helped me get my thoughts out and get instant responses from people around the world. I wish we all lived closer so we could meet and have a drink or two! (or tea, whatever you like…)

It felt really good to get the feedback that I got today at work about my blog. I wasn’t expecting such a positive response. I read some of my posts out loud and they laughed! (When they were supposed to…at my jokes…)

They were impressed and it felt good.

It made me smile.

Maybe I should let the cat out of the bag more often!

xo

 

 

Spring!

I was going to post my story today but the beautiful weather and awesome friends got in the way! I promise that I will post my WHOLE story tomorrow. It might end up on the best seller list someday….WITH a first aid kit…..