Is it the weather?

I am sitting on the couch in my childhood home. The kids are with my mom and it is just me.  The four legged kids are asleep on the rug, under my feet. I mindlessly put on Sex and the City while I muddled through facebook, pinterest and whatever funny cat video was out there today.

Boring.

As I look out the window, the sky is a light grey with small puffs of even lighter grey. No sun. Looks like it might rain. The leaves in the trees are waving at me as I stare back at them.

Boring.

I feel “blah” today.

Boring.

I should be doing laundry, showering and packing the car for our 2.5 hour ride back home.

I’m listening to the TV and it’s all about being single.

Alone.

Boring.

Dog lady. (I’m not a fan of cats.)

I wonder if I’ll ever have a companion.

I don’t say “again” because my stbex wasn’t a companion. I was floating out in our “marriage” alone. No partner. No rock. No one to lean on and no one to defend me.

Alone.

I don’t know what it’s like, really. I do know that I don’t want to get married again.  “You’ll get married again!” “Never say never!”

Thanks.

As of this moment, this day, this week, this month–I do not want to get married. This whole experience put a sour taste in my mouth about marriage. Relationships? Not so much. Marriage? Absolutely.

I like companionship. I’d like to be someone’s “girl.”

Apparently that’s too much to ask.

I guess I need to manifest it.

I know I wrote about my manifestation conversation with my psychic…(Once I figure out how to embed a previous post, I will)

The leaves are still waving. Goodbye? Or hello…

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The phone call.

I don’t get it. I thought I was so much better than I am.

Stbex called to talk to N and C. I got the phone and he was not very nice…ok I wasn’t either.

I hear girls and his current girlfriend in the background. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. (did I mention he is in Florida with her? Never did those things with me)

Once I WAS HUNG UP ON I instantly called him back. My impulsively kicked in and I was frantic again. But I stopped. Did not text. Did not call again.

Crumpled on the couch and cried. 30 seconds later I hear, “MOMMY! The pizza is here!”

Oh right. Life. Parenting. Emotions. Twins. Single parent. Abandoned.  Pain. Hatred. Questions with no answers. Answers that make no sense to a sane human being.

How can his actions still cause me so much pain? Why can’t he see how much hurt he has caused? I can’t go back to running those thoughts in my head.

Tomorrow is a new day. 24 hours to NOT call,text, freak out.  I hate this roller coaster I am on. I want to fast forward to a year from now.  I would love to sleep for the next 365 days. But I can’t.

Life. Parenting. Twins. Single parent.