painful

quote-William-Shatner-divorce-is-probably-as-painful-as-death-148392

Today I had to meet with my lawyer. She handed me a stack of paper and said, “here, start looking at these. I’ll be right back.”

Words. Words that I don’t understand. Legal jargon and a lot of “wife”, “husband”, “assets”, “children”, “divorce.”

My head started spinning and the tears started flowing. I don’t want to be sitting in her office, reading this shit. I don’t want to have to do this. NO. NO. This is NOT what my life was supposed to be like.

pain.

The tears keep coming and the tissues are crumpled up, soaked with my salty tears. My heart is crumpled. Crumpled and breaking.

I don’t want him back. I just can’t seem to get past the death of what my and my children’s lives were supposed to be like with this person. (I can’t call him a man. A real man wouldn’t do this)

“Divorce is probably as painful as death.”

Yep.

There is no funeral. No burial. You continue to have to see this person who you trusted with your entire soul. This person didn’t die. Although I often say that my life would be so much easier if he did.

No. This person (and his whore) are walking around, breathing the same air that I am. Living in the same craphole town that I am. They are alive and happy. Playing house with MY children. Buying MY children clothes, toys, shoes. Whatever they want.  She’s not their mother and she never will be. I can’t wait for karma to rear it’s ugly head.

For now, I am in pain. Still. I have been in pain for a very, very, very long time. Years. I don’t know when I will come out of this. I thought I was better. Lately I have just been in pain. In shock. How could someone do this to his wife and children? Why did he marry me in the first place? How can he be ok with how things are?

I had to figure out a “holiday schedule” with my lawyer today. Christmas, Thanksgiving, THEIR BIRTHDAY. I am their mother. I carried them for 7.5 months. I SHOULD NOT be away from them on their birthday, EVER. Am I wrong? I can’t imagine being away from my children on their birthday. I shouldn’t have to make a schedule like this. They shouldn’t have to alternate weekends, vacations, holidays, etc. All of this is bullshit. All because he is selfish.

Selfish.

1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2.characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself:

selfish motives.
He never thought of the kids. He never had the kids best interest in mind. If he did, we wouldn’t be in this boat. We would have fixed our marriage and life would be “normal.”
But this will never happen. NEVER. NEVER.
This is all very painful.
Advertisements

one step can change everything.

I thought I was passed all of this.

I thought I had cried all my tears, forgotten about “them” and was stronger than this.

Friday was the first time that I laid eyes on “her” since the truth came out.  One foot out of a store in the mall and there she was.

one step can change everything.

I honestly didn’t think that I would react in the way I did. She didn’t see me; thank god.

Frozen.

Heart racing.

Sweaty palms.

Anger. Anger. Anger. Sadness. Sadness. Sadness.

I called one of my girlfriends (after calling stbex and bitching him out) and she talked me off the ledge.

I walked out to my car and then the tears started flowing.

Flowing like hot lava on my cold cheeks onto my cold hands, pooling in my ears as I talk on the phone.

That totally fucked me up.

The kids were with him this weekend.

I was ALONE. Sick and alone.

Lonely. Alone. Solo.

No one to take care of me while I was sick. No one to rot on the couch with.

The kids came back tonight at 6.

Come to find out “she” spent the whole weekend with them.

Painting pumpkins, making cookies, doing FAMILY things.

That’s MY family.

She was NOT part of this plan. This is not how my life was supposed to be.

This is NOT how the kids lives were supposed to go.

After I learned that she was there this weekend, (according to lawyers and law guardian, she’s not supposed to be there when the kids are until they are interviewed by the law guardian) the tears started flowing again.

Hot lava on my cold cheeks, hands, ears. Burning and stinging like salt on an open wound.

It wouldn’t stop.

All the emotions came back and I couldn’t stop them. The dam had unleashed it’s fury of anger, sadness, depression, tears into my once calm state.

Why does this still hurt? How can I still be sad about this? I don’t want him. I am sad over the death of the vision that I had for our family. I was the one who should be painting pumpkins and making cookies with my family. NOT her.

Run away. Run away as fast as I can. That’s my next thought.

What I want for my kids is not here. It’s home. Family, friends, memories.

Yes their father and his whore are here, but this is not what I want for my children. I want tradition. Family and friends. Holidays together. Lazy summers together.

I don’t get that here. I won’t have that here.

one step can change everything.