painful

quote-William-Shatner-divorce-is-probably-as-painful-as-death-148392

Today I had to meet with my lawyer. She handed me a stack of paper and said, “here, start looking at these. I’ll be right back.”

Words. Words that I don’t understand. Legal jargon and a lot of “wife”, “husband”, “assets”, “children”, “divorce.”

My head started spinning and the tears started flowing. I don’t want to be sitting in her office, reading this shit. I don’t want to have to do this. NO. NO. This is NOT what my life was supposed to be like.

pain.

The tears keep coming and the tissues are crumpled up, soaked with my salty tears. My heart is crumpled. Crumpled and breaking.

I don’t want him back. I just can’t seem to get past the death of what my and my children’s lives were supposed to be like with this person. (I can’t call him a man. A real man wouldn’t do this)

“Divorce is probably as painful as death.”

Yep.

There is no funeral. No burial. You continue to have to see this person who you trusted with your entire soul. This person didn’t die. Although I often say that my life would be so much easier if he did.

No. This person (and his whore) are walking around, breathing the same air that I am. Living in the same craphole town that I am. They are alive and happy. Playing house with MY children. Buying MY children clothes, toys, shoes. Whatever they want.  She’s not their mother and she never will be. I can’t wait for karma to rear it’s ugly head.

For now, I am in pain. Still. I have been in pain for a very, very, very long time. Years. I don’t know when I will come out of this. I thought I was better. Lately I have just been in pain. In shock. How could someone do this to his wife and children? Why did he marry me in the first place? How can he be ok with how things are?

I had to figure out a “holiday schedule” with my lawyer today. Christmas, Thanksgiving, THEIR BIRTHDAY. I am their mother. I carried them for 7.5 months. I SHOULD NOT be away from them on their birthday, EVER. Am I wrong? I can’t imagine being away from my children on their birthday. I shouldn’t have to make a schedule like this. They shouldn’t have to alternate weekends, vacations, holidays, etc. All of this is bullshit. All because he is selfish.

Selfish.

1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2.characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself:

selfish motives.
He never thought of the kids. He never had the kids best interest in mind. If he did, we wouldn’t be in this boat. We would have fixed our marriage and life would be “normal.”
But this will never happen. NEVER. NEVER.
This is all very painful.
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NOT MY PROBLEM.

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Finances. What a pain in the you know what. 

I separated my finances from our joint account. We have automatic bill payment for some and I was unaware of when those bills were going out. Stbex was in Florida vacationing and didn’t tell me that they were going out. If I knew they were going out, I would have transferred my half into our joint. Still with me here?

Stbex gets paid ONCE a month. The beginning. All the bills went out and he has ZERO money. He emailed me an itemized list of my half of the bills. “You owe me $1500.00 and I am giving you two pay periods to get it back to me.”

Ok.

I gave him $500 when I got paid last. He told me that his bills were $250. Those of us who can subtract (or divide) would know that would leave him with how much?

Let’s see…. $500-$250= $250

Let’s try it another way.. $500/2= $250

So you see, boys and girls, that would leave him with $250.00 to spend. Last weekend he spent money on his Alumni Golf Tournament that he “had to play in.”

Now he has no money to buy the kids birthday presents. They turn six on Saturday, party on Sunday. 

NOT MY PROBLEM. I told him that I will be buying EVERYTHING for their birthday from the bounce house to the cups. He can subtract that amount from my “bill.”

“But I have zero money!!!” 

The kids won’t have a gift from you but you made sure you played golf.  Nice.

Am I wrong? Should I be feeling bad for this S.O.B for putting his needs first? NO. I shouldn’t. Next thing you know I will be getting a letter from his lawyer. 

I will be giving him a SMALL (read that again folks, SMALL) amount from my paycheck on Friday. SMALL. I have bills to pay and a birthday party to fund. I’m only a teacher. I certainly don’t teach for the paycheck. 

I am getting anxious just thinking about it because I am afraid of what he is going to do next. I know he will call his lawyer and throw some nasty crap my way. (Sorry, I couldn’t think of a better word than CRAP.)

This weekend will be quite interesting.

My mother has not spoken to him since Christmas.

My father? Who knows. He saved my fathers life when they were golfing six years ago. Dropped dead. CPR and defib and he brought him back to life. My father thought he walked on water. NOT anymore. You can bet the farm that my father will be there as well.

Not only my family, but friends of mine who USED to be his friends. People who he now calls “bad influences on the kids.” NOW.

Now, things are different. There will be so much tension in the air at the party on Sunday that I am going to need to take a Xanax. YES!! I totally forgot that I had some. I have to. I will be cordial. Not angry or mean. It’s the kids party! My babies are going to be SIX!

My heart hasn’t stopped racing since this conversation over text messaging started. I thought writing it out would help. Maybe I need to pick up my knitting needles….

 

Big red dot.

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Big red dot. That’s what my marriage has come down to.

Red dot on a brown folder.

A big red goose egg.

Cancel.

Dead.

Done.

Zero. 

Stop. Do not go forward. There will be no yellow or green light. STOP. 

 

I went to my lawyers office yesterday to answer a letter from stbex’s lawyer. (gag) She walked in carrying four arms worth of folders, papers and letters all the while managing to balance on her six inch heels. She amazes me! Anyway, she plopped the folders down on the table and pulled mine to my side. “S v. S DIVORCE” with a big red circle next to that. It was like a train wreck. You don’t want to stare but you can’t help yourself. I stared at it. That’s my last name next to that hated word, DIVORCE. My last name next to that big red dot. Why couldn’t the folders at least be pretty? Nothing about this is pretty. Come on–give me something! 

I started to get a knot in my stomach. I hate coming in here, except to have my lawyer validate my feelings. She’s good. REAL good. I know she will try her hardest to get me and the kids out of here and back home to my family.

The big red dot sort of brought some old emotions up for me. Made me sad. For about a second. Then I was ANGRY. I just want out of here. I want to drive home and not have any BIG RED DOTS telling me to STOP.

Am I free?

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I learned a lot of disgusting details of my stbex this weekend. I didn’t get angry, I just got a little shaky when I was listening to some new news of his “antics.” 

But I didn’t freak out. I didn’t care. Am I free from that emotional jail? Have I finally detached myself from him? I do not speak to him or look at him when he comes over. I think that’s really helped me. I will continue to do that.  I can’t even sit in the same room to discuss finances. I leave that up to my lawyer.

I DID, however, text him that I was learning new details about something that I was lied to about. Of course, he got mad and is going to confront anyone that talks about him. Ok. Good luck with that. The people that talk are the people who USED to think you were a great guy. Who USED to be your friend. Who dislike you now. And are on my side. 

I woke up this morning and sent him a text. I told him that I don’t love him like I used to. The stories I hear about him do not hurt me anymore. I told him that I am not in my emotional jail anymore and that all I care about is me and the kids. It was very freeing.

Will I slip back into moments of weakness? Sadness? I am 100% sure. But hearing what I heard last night made it really easy for me to wake up with a smile on my face.