I haven’t written in a long time. I’ve been told that I should continue writing–not just for me, but also for those that read these.
So, I am. I opened up my laptop and logged in. I started reading my past posts. GOD what a change. The old me is still inside, but she’s teeny tiny. Smaller version. Floats around and is barely visible. Sometimes she makes herself known, but very quickly disappears back to where she came from.
So where am I now? Calmer. Quieter. Less stressed. Less wound up. Less tense.
When I talk about my path, I always say that blogging really helped me get through those years of pain, darkness, death. It really did. That and knitting. I have a “divorce scarf” that I knitted while going through that. I still wear it to remind me of how far I’ve come. It’s not perfect. Neither am I.
What am I doing?? Am I moving?
I have a job interview on Thursday for a job that I know I don’t want. I have to drive 2.5 hours back home for the interview. Could it possibly lead to a job that I would want?
I hate change. I hate my stbex for putting us in this place.
All I think about is the kids—Will they hate me in the future for moving away?
MENTAL HEALTH. I HAVE to think about my mental health. I have to be selfish and think about me. Right?
Will I be able to continue living here and living this life? Will I be able to see him everyday without wanting to claw his face off? Right now, today, that’s a big fat NO.
I don’t know what else to do. I need a change. He forced this change upon us. How selfish is THAT?
I am so confused and so torn. I love my job but I don’t like my life here. I can’t move on here. Not move on in the sense that I need to meet someone. I mean move on in the sense that I will be at peace with MYSELF and the life that was handed to me.
I can go. I can take control of my mental health. I have to move in order to get healthy. I keep thinking about the kids, though.
“Kids are resilient.”
“This will be their norm!”
That’s not fair for me to do that to them. I always put them first and I am having a very difficult time putting myself first. I don’t know how someone could NOT put the kids first. Thank you, stbex.
This is a hard and difficult road that I am on.
Anyone have a roadmap?
I don’t get it. I thought I was so much better than I am.
Stbex called to talk to N and C. I got the phone and he was not very nice…ok I wasn’t either.
I hear girls and his current girlfriend in the background. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. (did I mention he is in Florida with her? Never did those things with me)
Once I WAS HUNG UP ON I instantly called him back. My impulsively kicked in and I was frantic again. But I stopped. Did not text. Did not call again.
Crumpled on the couch and cried. 30 seconds later I hear, “MOMMY! The pizza is here!”
Oh right. Life. Parenting. Emotions. Twins. Single parent. Abandoned. Pain. Hatred. Questions with no answers. Answers that make no sense to a sane human being.
How can his actions still cause me so much pain? Why can’t he see how much hurt he has caused? I can’t go back to running those thoughts in my head.
Tomorrow is a new day. 24 hours to NOT call,text, freak out. I hate this roller coaster I am on. I want to fast forward to a year from now. I would love to sleep for the next 365 days. But I can’t.
Life. Parenting. Twins. Single parent.
My psychic, C, told me to “manifest my new life.”
Um, what? How in the hell do I do that?
“Picture yourself in the house you want, the job you want and with the type of person you want to be with.” (that one is easy…someone who is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of my stbex)
She said to take ten minutes everyday and sit in silence and just picture it all in my mind.
I also have to write it down….so here goes nothing!
1. I see myself in a job working as a special education teacher and loving it as much as I love my current special education position.
2. I see me and the kids living in a quaint home that we can make our own. Finished basement and a pool in a great neighborhood for kids.
3. I see us being happy and at peace and with old friends, new friends and my family.
4. When the time is right, I see myself with someone who is honest, trustworthy, caring, thoughtful, puts family first, selfless, fun, has a sense of humor, friendly spontaneous….
If I do this everyday then maybe it will happen. She only sees good things for me.
Good because I am sick of eating shit sandwiches.