Is it the weather?

I am sitting on the couch in my childhood home. The kids are with my mom and it is just me.  The four legged kids are asleep on the rug, under my feet. I mindlessly put on Sex and the City while I muddled through facebook, pinterest and whatever funny cat video was out there today.

Boring.

As I look out the window, the sky is a light grey with small puffs of even lighter grey. No sun. Looks like it might rain. The leaves in the trees are waving at me as I stare back at them.

Boring.

I feel “blah” today.

Boring.

I should be doing laundry, showering and packing the car for our 2.5 hour ride back home.

I’m listening to the TV and it’s all about being single.

Alone.

Boring.

Dog lady. (I’m not a fan of cats.)

I wonder if I’ll ever have a companion.

I don’t say “again” because my stbex wasn’t a companion. I was floating out in our “marriage” alone. No partner. No rock. No one to lean on and no one to defend me.

Alone.

I don’t know what it’s like, really. I do know that I don’t want to get married again.  “You’ll get married again!” “Never say never!”

Thanks.

As of this moment, this day, this week, this month–I do not want to get married. This whole experience put a sour taste in my mouth about marriage. Relationships? Not so much. Marriage? Absolutely.

I like companionship. I’d like to be someone’s “girl.”

Apparently that’s too much to ask.

I guess I need to manifest it.

I know I wrote about my manifestation conversation with my psychic…(Once I figure out how to embed a previous post, I will)

The leaves are still waving. Goodbye? Or hello…

Grudges.

grudge

While my dad was in the hospital, I talked to him about the fact that he holds grudges towards his siblings for silly things.

Stupid things.

Trivial things.

After he had his heart attack and was literally brought back from the dead by my stbex, we all thought he would have a different take on life.

Be happier.

Hold less grudges.

But my dad being my dad did not change. What a fool I was.

After this surgery I told him how fragile life is.

That it’s pointless to hold grudges and carry around all of this anger.

Why is it so hard to practice what we preach? Why is it so easy to tell someone to just “let it go.”

But we can’t.

Why is it so easy for us to share our opinion and give (fairly good) advice, yet not take it for ourselves?

Should I let my dad stew in his bitterness? Can I compare it to mine?

He takes things so personally. Things that were said or done to him are NOT things to be angry about and cut people out of his life.

Betrayal, lies, deceit, irresponsibility and selfishness are things that I can be angry about. I don’t want to be, but I still am. I still hate him. I cried yesterday. Why? Because as soon as I pulled back into this town after being at home for a week a flood of emotions hit me. I realized, yet again,  that my dreams for my marriage and family were crushed by the one person I trusted and loved. (Even through multiple affairs)

Am I justified in my anger and grudges, but my father is not?

I’m angry just thinking about it…