It’s back.

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NOT the “oh my god I am so desperate to save our marriage” thing.

He is back. From Florida. (This was his SECOND trip there this month. We live in NY)

Must be nice.

While he was gone I felt strong, calm, in control.

Not anymore. I just want to scream. Life was so much easier when he was away.

I like it when he’s away. I am calm. I am strong. I am ME.

Now I am wound up tighter than a ball of rubber bands.

I want to let loose on him and tell him how stupid he is. Stupid stupid stupid.

Or am I stupid? Wait. I am the stupid one. I am the stupid one for allowing his presence to affect me. I cannot allow him to control my emotions. I have to pretend he is still in Florida. (Sort of hard to do when I have to see him for a milli-second when he comes over to see the kids and I become the cockroach again.)

BUT I can’t allow him to drive me insane. I makes me angry. Right? He is causing this anger and rage in me. I really do hate him. I never thought in 15 years that I would utter those words. I am not going to dwell on how things used to be. All I know is that I can’t stand the sight of him.

I wasn’t raging when he was gone.

I will not allow myself to get angry now that he is back.

I can’t.

I was driving to work today and I realized that my hands were holding so tightly onto the steering wheel. Woah. I turned off the radio and released my hands. (Safely…) Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Mind chatter. I turned the radio back on for background noise. My sense of calm and ability to calm myself ┬áis barely there now that he is back.

Maybe it’s in Florida.

Creeping up again..

Stbex watched the kids all day today. They didn’t have school but my district did so I had to go to work.
When I got home I did not go in the house. I walked over to my neighbors house and chatted for 30 mins. I can’t be anywhere near him. I cannot stand the sight of him.
I sent him a text telling him that I was across the street and he can leave so I can go home.

“Why?”

Why?? Because you are a complete douchebag and I cannot stand the fact that you have been in the house with the kids all day. Because I want to see the kids. I want to get into my sweats and be lazy without you there.

That anger came back up from the darkest places in my soul. The rage, bitterness,  sadness.

All erupted in me like an active volcano.
So of course I start to text him sarcastic things.

“Thanks for putting the kids clothes away. I love doing it all myself.” (He didn’t put them away after he told me that he would)

“Do you enjoy this lifestyle? Because I do and so do the kids!”

“Are you happy with your choices?”

All while knowing I will never get answers that will satisfy me.

I have no self control.