28.5

That’s how many hours I spent in my house alone so far this weekend. I finally got myself into the shower, dressed and slapped some makeup on my face that wouldn’t show how sad and lonely I am.

I found myself at Barnes and Nobles, sitting in an overstuffed chair while this woman across from me reads GARDENING IN NY. She’s humming to herself and it’s driving me absolutely crazy. There is no rhyme or reason to her humming. It does not go along with the elevator music that is coming through the speakers in the ceiling.

I look at her some more; no ring. Is she divorced? Widowed? Never been married? Why would that be one of the first things I notice? I hate that I notice those things. I wish I could rewire my brain so I wouldn’t think of those things.

One of my favorite things to do is people watch. I try to sit an visualize what their life is like. If it’s anything like mine.

I wish I could rewire my brain so that I was the complete opposite of my current self. Well actually, the only self I have known.

I want to be happy and content while being alone. But I’m not. I am a people person. I am emotional. I need to feel accepted, loved, cared for and important. I know I’m supposed to start with  accepting, loving and caring for myself. It feels a hell of a lot better when it comes from someone else.

I wish I didn’t think that way. I wish I didn’t want someone in my life. I wish I enjoyed being alone, staring at the walls in my house. (humming lady left. thank god.)

I am a typical Scorpio. Intense, emotional, always questioning, secretive, passionate and extremely loyal.

Right now in this phase of my life I hate that I am a typical scorp. I don’t want to be emotional, intense, passionate and loyal. I want to break that part away from me because it is bringing me absolutely no good.

I hate being alone.

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is this it?

I love the quote, “everything happens for a reason.”

I use it to explain a lot of things that has happened in my life. Good. Bad. Indifferent “things.”

But WHAT is that reason? Did my stbex choose this life so that I can be punished for something? For something in my past? Is this my karma?

I am lonely. The kids went with him this morning and won’t be back until 6:00 tomorrow night. I am lonely.

Why does he get to have someone to spend his time with? I have spent the whole day doing nothing. I am lonely.

I want someone to share my empty time with. I get so sad and down when it’s just me in this house. My friends are all busy with their families and I am here. Alone. I’ts not their problem that I’m alone. I am jealous of their lives.

Jealous, sad, lonely, depressed, throwing a pity party right now.

I could pop a xanax and go to bed right now. Last night, I went to bed at 8:30. My Friday night was CRAZY!

I am such an outgoing, people person. This is not good for me. I can’t take it.

Is it the weather?

I am sitting on the couch in my childhood home. The kids are with my mom and it is just me.  The four legged kids are asleep on the rug, under my feet. I mindlessly put on Sex and the City while I muddled through facebook, pinterest and whatever funny cat video was out there today.

Boring.

As I look out the window, the sky is a light grey with small puffs of even lighter grey. No sun. Looks like it might rain. The leaves in the trees are waving at me as I stare back at them.

Boring.

I feel “blah” today.

Boring.

I should be doing laundry, showering and packing the car for our 2.5 hour ride back home.

I’m listening to the TV and it’s all about being single.

Alone.

Boring.

Dog lady. (I’m not a fan of cats.)

I wonder if I’ll ever have a companion.

I don’t say “again” because my stbex wasn’t a companion. I was floating out in our “marriage” alone. No partner. No rock. No one to lean on and no one to defend me.

Alone.

I don’t know what it’s like, really. I do know that I don’t want to get married again.  “You’ll get married again!” “Never say never!”

Thanks.

As of this moment, this day, this week, this month–I do not want to get married. This whole experience put a sour taste in my mouth about marriage. Relationships? Not so much. Marriage? Absolutely.

I like companionship. I’d like to be someone’s “girl.”

Apparently that’s too much to ask.

I guess I need to manifest it.

I know I wrote about my manifestation conversation with my psychic…(Once I figure out how to embed a previous post, I will)

The leaves are still waving. Goodbye? Or hello…

Today I feel….

Image

 

1feel·ing

noun \ˈfē-liŋ\

: an awareness by your body of something in it or on it

: an emotional state or reaction

: thoughts of wanting to help someone who is sick, hungry, in trouble, etc.

 

I have been in many emotional states lately. 

Calm

Crazed

Sad

Angry

Happy

and the list could go on and on. 

Today I feel anxious. It feels like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. Although that could be the fact that I’ve had two cups of coffee. One more than usual.

Something happened on the school bus to one of my children. No details needed, but it is forcing me to communicate with my stbex. When I cut off contact with him I felt strong. Alive. Happy. Peaceful. Now I have to speak with him regarding this incident and all of my bad feelings come back. I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to wonder if this could be fixed. I know it can’t. My mind is swirling with all of these thoughts and sometimes I can’t stop it. I try to focus on my breathing. Walk when walking. Be in the moment, be present, chant, mantra, knitting, reading. 

My mind is my worst enemy. I wish I could take out my brain, wash away the bad stuff, and put it back in. Erase any confusing, swirling thoughts and start fresh. Isn’t that what erasers are for? Removing the mistake and starting over? 

When I wasn’t communicating with him I wasn’t having any confusing, sad thoughts. All I could think about were me and the kids. He’s pushing things with his lawyer and it’s starting to take a toll with me. I just wish he could go away.

I wish I could erase him. Start over. Bring back the original sketch of the man I married. But I can’t.

Breathe in, breathe out.

One day at a time.