what a long, strange trip its been

It truly has been.  From devastation to recovery and everything in between. It has been a wild ride. Although I am not 100% detached from my story–I don’t think I ever will be-I am able to handle things with more grace than before. That angry, hot headed scorned ex wife is no longer. A newer, better version of myself has emerged.

I still get emotional sometimes. I cried little tears yesterday when I learned that their baby is being delivered on Monday. They were not big, wailing, crocodile tears that lasted for hours. Just a few trickled down to remind me of how far I have come and how far I have yet to go. I will pay myself on the back, however, because I HAVE SURVIVED.

Those three words. I HAVE SURVIVED. I never thought in a million years that I would have survived this. I did. It did not kill me. It did kill a naïve, weak, small version of myself. Thank you for that. However, it did not kill ME. I am stronger because of it.

Thank you to those of you on here–those complete strangers who knew how I felt. Who knew what to say to me at the right time. I don’t know you personally, but what you have done for me here, I will never forget.

I HAVE SURVIVED.

 

 

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painful

quote-William-Shatner-divorce-is-probably-as-painful-as-death-148392

Today I had to meet with my lawyer. She handed me a stack of paper and said, “here, start looking at these. I’ll be right back.”

Words. Words that I don’t understand. Legal jargon and a lot of “wife”, “husband”, “assets”, “children”, “divorce.”

My head started spinning and the tears started flowing. I don’t want to be sitting in her office, reading this shit. I don’t want to have to do this. NO. NO. This is NOT what my life was supposed to be like.

pain.

The tears keep coming and the tissues are crumpled up, soaked with my salty tears. My heart is crumpled. Crumpled and breaking.

I don’t want him back. I just can’t seem to get past the death of what my and my children’s lives were supposed to be like with this person. (I can’t call him a man. A real man wouldn’t do this)

“Divorce is probably as painful as death.”

Yep.

There is no funeral. No burial. You continue to have to see this person who you trusted with your entire soul. This person didn’t die. Although I often say that my life would be so much easier if he did.

No. This person (and his whore) are walking around, breathing the same air that I am. Living in the same craphole town that I am. They are alive and happy. Playing house with MY children. Buying MY children clothes, toys, shoes. Whatever they want.  She’s not their mother and she never will be. I can’t wait for karma to rear it’s ugly head.

For now, I am in pain. Still. I have been in pain for a very, very, very long time. Years. I don’t know when I will come out of this. I thought I was better. Lately I have just been in pain. In shock. How could someone do this to his wife and children? Why did he marry me in the first place? How can he be ok with how things are?

I had to figure out a “holiday schedule” with my lawyer today. Christmas, Thanksgiving, THEIR BIRTHDAY. I am their mother. I carried them for 7.5 months. I SHOULD NOT be away from them on their birthday, EVER. Am I wrong? I can’t imagine being away from my children on their birthday. I shouldn’t have to make a schedule like this. They shouldn’t have to alternate weekends, vacations, holidays, etc. All of this is bullshit. All because he is selfish.

Selfish.

1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2.characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself:

selfish motives.
He never thought of the kids. He never had the kids best interest in mind. If he did, we wouldn’t be in this boat. We would have fixed our marriage and life would be “normal.”
But this will never happen. NEVER. NEVER.
This is all very painful.

This stage.

Image

I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to feel the ache in my heart and stomach when I speak to him. I don’t want to be sad.

I thought I was past this emotion. I thought I was turning a corner to a “new me.”

Why am I being bombarded with emotions that I thought I had buried. Why have they clawed their way out of the locked grave that I slammed shut a month ago?

Why?

I know that with major life changes and grief people go through many stages. Why did I fall back into this puddle of tears and sadness? I thought that I wasn’t going to fall back into THIS stage. I thought THIS stage was long gone.

Kids are with their father at a carnival. That was supposed to be something we did as a family. Those are family activities. I am so sad right now. Sad over the fact that the man I married is dead, but someone who looks just like him but acts completely different is alive.

I spoke to him for the first time in months today. Actually 20 minutes ago. I cried. I asked “why.” I did all the things you’re not supposed to do. I did not, however, try to convince him to fix our broken marriage. Small wins.

I told him that I want to go home. I want to move away from here. I can’t be free here.

Before I enter the store, salon, etc I have to check the place first to see who is in there. Happened today. Went to get a pedicure and I had to scour the place for any face that would make me have any negative reaction. Is that how my life will be like now? I can’t start over here.

I am really sad at this very moment. Tears are running down my cheeks like the rain that is pouring down outside.

I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to cry. I want to stay angry. I don’t want to speak to him. I have been through so much. I have been on this emotional roller coaster and I cannot get off of it. Is this some sick joke? Am I being pranked by “god”?

Why am I being put through this? I thought I was a good person with good morals and values. Why does someone who has no moral compass and no values get to make these decisions that affect so many people? I believe in karma. I don’t want to be around when his comes knocking on his door.

The phone call.

I don’t get it. I thought I was so much better than I am.

Stbex called to talk to N and C. I got the phone and he was not very nice…ok I wasn’t either.

I hear girls and his current girlfriend in the background. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. (did I mention he is in Florida with her? Never did those things with me)

Once I WAS HUNG UP ON I instantly called him back. My impulsively kicked in and I was frantic again. But I stopped. Did not text. Did not call again.

Crumpled on the couch and cried. 30 seconds later I hear, “MOMMY! The pizza is here!”

Oh right. Life. Parenting. Emotions. Twins. Single parent. Abandoned.  Pain. Hatred. Questions with no answers. Answers that make no sense to a sane human being.

How can his actions still cause me so much pain? Why can’t he see how much hurt he has caused? I can’t go back to running those thoughts in my head.

Tomorrow is a new day. 24 hours to NOT call,text, freak out.  I hate this roller coaster I am on. I want to fast forward to a year from now.  I would love to sleep for the next 365 days. But I can’t.

Life. Parenting. Twins. Single parent.