Even the lyrics have changed.

I love Paul Simon. I had his Graceland cd many, many years ago. It’s been lost through either one of my many moves or the tornado that ripped through my town a few years back. (We lost the garage, everything in it and two cars. No one was hurt, thank god)

My father is pretty tech savvy. I told him that there are a few cds that I had and would love to be able to listen to, (without buying them..)

One of them was Graceland. This weekend while I was home, my tech savvy 66 year old father burned some cds for me. As soon as I put that cd in, the kids and I were having a blast on our 2.5 hour trip home.

When I originally had this cd, I would sing along and it made me feel happy. Paul still does that, but the lyrics and meanings have changed. It’s amazing how we interpret songs at different points in our lives. For example:

“Graceland”

The Mississippi Delta was shining
Like a National guitar
I am following the river
Down the highway
Through the cradle of the civil warI’m going to Graceland
Graceland
In Memphis Tennessee
I’m going to Graceland
Poorboys and Pilgrims with families
And we are going to Graceland
My traveling companion is nine years old
He is the child of my first marriage
But I’ve reason to believe
We both will be received
In Graceland

She comes back to tell me she’s gone
As if I didn’t know that
As if I didn’t know my own bed
As if I’d never noticed
The way she brushed her hair from her forehead
And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow

I’m going to Graceland
Memphis Tennessee
I’m going to Graceland
Poorboys and Pilgrims with families
And we are going to Graceland

And my traveling companions
Are ghosts and empty sockets
I’m looking at ghosts and empties
But I’ve reason to believe
We all will be received
In Graceland

There is a girl in New York City
Who calls herself the human trampoline
And sometimes when I’m falling, flying
Or tumbling in turmoil I say
Oh, so this is what she means
She means we’re bouncing into Graceland
And I see losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow

In Graceland, in Graceland
I’m going to Graceland
For reasons I cannot explain
There’s some part of me wants to see
Graceland
And I may be obliged to defend
Every love, every ending
Or maybe there’s no obligations now
Maybe I’ve a reason to believe
We all will be received
In Graceland

This part is what sounded different to me:
She comes back to tell me she’s gone
As if I didn’t know that
As if I didn’t know my own bed
As if I’d never noticed
The way she brushed her hair from her forehead
And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow
Especially the part that talks about losing love.
It IS like a window in your heart.
Everyone CAN see you’re blown apart.
The younger version of myself didn’t think anything of that. This older, wiser, experienced version of myself thinks, “holy shit!  This is SO SO SO true!”
I’ve never really paid attention to the lyrics. Why? Because I didn’t have to. I just sang along to a catchy, popular tune.
This whole experience that I’ve gone through with my stbex made me open my eyes and ears to things that I have been missing.
Good things and not so good things.
Nevertheless, every time I hear that part of Graceland, it’s tones, melodies and words fill me with such a feeling as if to say “we get it. we know how you feel/felt. it’s ok. your loss is a window to your heart and your friends and family have seen it all. you can show us the love now.”
Thanks, Paul.
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One day at a time…

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That has been my mantra since I dug myself out of the suffocating and exhausting vortex of pain. For months I was stuck in this swirling tornado of emotions. 

My whole world was sucked into this monster and spit out far away from anything that I had hoped for. I was always worrying about the future. Never living in the now.

It has taken me a while to stop my mind from perseverating on “what will be.” I have somehow blocked (or killed) any thoughts or notions of my desire and hope for a healthy marriage. The thought doesn’t even really cross my mind anymore. Have I accepted it? Yes, I have moments where I fall back into some emotional sand storm, but I come out quicker than before. I have to “get through” the emotions because there is no way “around them.” (If my stbex worked through his emotions we wouldn’t be in this mess)

I was talking to my father yesterday and he said to me; “What do you think is going to happen LONG TERM? Do you think you’ll be living there? Moving?”

My response? “Dad, I am only worrying about May 18th 2014. Then tomorrow, I will only be worrying about May 19th, 2014 and so on.”

I can’t predict the future. I can’t think about the future. I can only think about this day. What are my jobs today? Get up, get the kids out the door, teach the youth of America, pick up kids, make memories with kids, kiss them hug them love them. Today. 

I will think about tomorrow when it comes. 

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

-Siddhartha Gautama