the unknown.

First of all, I’d like to give a shout out to my friend Jamie. I called her and unloaded all this crap on her this morning. Her first question: “ok, do you have xanax?” No. But I will be getting some. Her last question: “why don’t you blog all of this?” So thanks, Spanks, (her nickname…Spanky) for your advice…

The ex has had a baby with his girlfriend, now fiance…Cried when the baby was born (out of sadness, not joy) and cried when I heard they got engaged. (Thanks, Jamie for softening the blow for me) That lasted about 2 days then I was over it. I am sure when the big day comes, I’ll either be:

a. doped up on xanax and sleeping

b. drunk.

c. at a spa

d. with my girlfriends (hopefully c and d)

Fast forward to the unknown…

My kids are making their first communion on Sunday…(we have twins)

One pew. One family. Me, him, kids…I asked my parents to sit someplace else so it wouldn’t be awkward. My parents hate my ex for what happened. Rightfully so.  Did I mention my dad is still paying for our wedding? I digress..

I shared with my ex that we have one pew for the kids’ family. He and I need to sit with the kids, go up with them as they receive communion, etc. I kindly asked him to have whoever is coming with him to sit someplace else. The seating arrangements could look something like this:

Me, kid, kid, ex, my mom, my dad, his whore

Me, kid, kid, ex, my dad, my mom, his whore

Him, kid, kid, me, my mom, my dad, his whore

Him, kid, kid, me, my dad, my mom, his whore.


Anyone see a pattern here? Has he answered my request? No. I told him that I wish we could sit on opposite sides of the church but that can’t happen. “I’m sure we can”, said the ex. See, he doesn’t believe in following rules that are given from other people. The letter clearly states that we are to SIT WITH OUR CHILDREN. If he chooses not to, that’s his deal. I’ll be right there with my kids.

My parents agreed to sit someplace else because they don’t want to make it awkward for anyone. Because THEY ARE SMART. He thinks everyone is ok with what he’s done.

News flash–we’re not. Still not. I wish I was. When will it go away? I read an article that I don’t need to forgive. Forgiveness is Overrated. Read it here. If he was truly sorry for his actions, then maybe. Anyway, I digress. again.

I’ve been having the craziest dreams because I have so much on my mind regarding this. I don’t want to dream of my old house (where they live, happily ever after) and them anymore.

I still don’t know where she is sitting. The unknown is killing me. Just as it has in the past. I need to “prepare for the worst, hope for the best, pop a xanax”–Jamie.










Finances. What a pain in the you know what. 

I separated my finances from our joint account. We have automatic bill payment for some and I was unaware of when those bills were going out. Stbex was in Florida vacationing and didn’t tell me that they were going out. If I knew they were going out, I would have transferred my half into our joint. Still with me here?

Stbex gets paid ONCE a month. The beginning. All the bills went out and he has ZERO money. He emailed me an itemized list of my half of the bills. “You owe me $1500.00 and I am giving you two pay periods to get it back to me.”


I gave him $500 when I got paid last. He told me that his bills were $250. Those of us who can subtract (or divide) would know that would leave him with how much?

Let’s see…. $500-$250= $250

Let’s try it another way.. $500/2= $250

So you see, boys and girls, that would leave him with $250.00 to spend. Last weekend he spent money on his Alumni Golf Tournament that he “had to play in.”

Now he has no money to buy the kids birthday presents. They turn six on Saturday, party on Sunday. 

NOT MY PROBLEM. I told him that I will be buying EVERYTHING for their birthday from the bounce house to the cups. He can subtract that amount from my “bill.”

“But I have zero money!!!” 

The kids won’t have a gift from you but you made sure you played golf.  Nice.

Am I wrong? Should I be feeling bad for this S.O.B for putting his needs first? NO. I shouldn’t. Next thing you know I will be getting a letter from his lawyer. 

I will be giving him a SMALL (read that again folks, SMALL) amount from my paycheck on Friday. SMALL. I have bills to pay and a birthday party to fund. I’m only a teacher. I certainly don’t teach for the paycheck. 

I am getting anxious just thinking about it because I am afraid of what he is going to do next. I know he will call his lawyer and throw some nasty crap my way. (Sorry, I couldn’t think of a better word than CRAP.)

This weekend will be quite interesting.

My mother has not spoken to him since Christmas.

My father? Who knows. He saved my fathers life when they were golfing six years ago. Dropped dead. CPR and defib and he brought him back to life. My father thought he walked on water. NOT anymore. You can bet the farm that my father will be there as well.

Not only my family, but friends of mine who USED to be his friends. People who he now calls “bad influences on the kids.” NOW.

Now, things are different. There will be so much tension in the air at the party on Sunday that I am going to need to take a Xanax. YES!! I totally forgot that I had some. I have to. I will be cordial. Not angry or mean. It’s the kids party! My babies are going to be SIX!

My heart hasn’t stopped racing since this conversation over text messaging started. I thought writing it out would help. Maybe I need to pick up my knitting needles….