deleted.

Google photos always pops up with a memory “on this day” so many years ago. I love clicking on it and seeing my angelic twins playing as they did when they were 4. Today was one of those days. Videos of them innocently jumping on the bed; playing Just Dance and my raspy 4 year old sitting it out because there were no “boy faces’.

Then it hits me. I’m scrolling through the pictures and I see it. A black and white photo copy of a Valentine’s Day card. It was a copy of a card that my ex-husband sent to his girlfriend. The next photo was a picture of the Valentine’s Day card that he got me.

“That’s not my handwriting. I didn’t write that.” He was the king of denial. I know what LA means. Love, A****.  Bull shit it’s not your name.  I snapped the picture of the card I got and sent it to her all those years ago. Her response: “I’m in shock”. You’re in shock? YOU? You are the one who put herself in this marriage. In the middle of my 4 year olds lives.  In the middle of my disaster of a marriage. No, bitch. I’m in shock.

I WAS in shock.

But not today. I had zero reaction when I saw the pictures of the cards. zero. zilch. noting. I . FELT. NOTHING. I haven’t seen those images in years. I know they would have elicited some sort of response a few years back. But today, I hit delete.

Delete. I deleted this memory from my phone. Will I ever be able to delete that memory (and so many others…have I mentioned the naked picture of her?) that is ingrained in my brain? Probably not. However, I know that when Google pops up with another memory, those are gone. I won’t remember the exact date that I took them. I’ll remember the “I am shocked” comment. I won’t feel anything though. It’s gone. The gut punch, knee jerk, want to scratch someone’s eyes out reaction is gone.

GONE.

Looking back, I have come so far. Looking ahead, I have brand new memories to make.