I haven’t been here in a while. I thought I had my shit together. It’s amazing how much you need someone to help you get back on track.
My therapist is amazing. Amazing.
I can be myself around her. She gets me. It’s like she’s lived inside my head and can sift through the twists and turns of my psyche.
I need to be back here. I’m starting to fall off the “I’m strong now. I can handle this” wagon.
I felt a lot of rage today. Stbex. His whore. The problems. The death of a vision I once had.
It’s all sad to me again. As I am sitting here in her waiting room, I could cry all over again.
I need her to clean out the gunk and messed up shit that’s floating around my brain. Heal the battle wounds, patch up my lacerations, give me a good dose of medicine (aka reality check) and send me on my way.
I’ll be back again next week. And probably the week after that.
And so my life goes on. One day at a time. But these past few days have felt like I’m walking in a battlefield and no guns are dropped. The bullets keep flying and I have no where to go except through them.
I shared with some close friends today that I started keeping a blog. I was honestly worried about what they would think.
Some desperate attempt at getting attention? (No.)
Blasting my stbex online in an open public forum? (No way. Ok….sometimes)
Putting my thoughts out there for the world to see an possibly connect with strangers who might be going through the same thing? (Absolutely)
Basic journaling with a pen and notebook wasn’t working for me anymore. I stumbled upon two blogs that really drew me in.
One led to the other one…I enjoy them both and thought to myself “I have a story to tell. I should do it here.”
I started this blog in December 2010. Never picked it back up until April 7 2014.
It seems that major life changes always hurl me into different ways of expressing myself.
Working out (I used to be skinny…)
Going to counseling
Now this blog. This has really helped me get my thoughts out and get instant responses from people around the world. I wish we all lived closer so we could meet and have a drink or two! (or tea, whatever you like…)
It felt really good to get the feedback that I got today at work about my blog. I wasn’t expecting such a positive response. I read some of my posts out loud and they laughed! (When they were supposed to…at my jokes…)
They were impressed and it felt good.
It made me smile.
Maybe I should let the cat out of the bag more often!