Even the lyrics have changed.

I love Paul Simon. I had his Graceland cd many, many years ago. It’s been lost through either one of my many moves or the tornado that ripped through my town a few years back. (We lost the garage, everything in it and two cars. No one was hurt, thank god)

My father is pretty tech savvy. I told him that there are a few cds that I had and would love to be able to listen to, (without buying them..)

One of them was Graceland. This weekend while I was home, my tech savvy 66 year old father burned some cds for me. As soon as I put that cd in, the kids and I were having a blast on our 2.5 hour trip home.

When I originally had this cd, I would sing along and it made me feel happy. Paul still does that, but the lyrics and meanings have changed. It’s amazing how we interpret songs at different points in our lives. For example:

“Graceland”

The Mississippi Delta was shining
Like a National guitar
I am following the river
Down the highway
Through the cradle of the civil warI’m going to Graceland
Graceland
In Memphis Tennessee
I’m going to Graceland
Poorboys and Pilgrims with families
And we are going to Graceland
My traveling companion is nine years old
He is the child of my first marriage
But I’ve reason to believe
We both will be received
In Graceland

She comes back to tell me she’s gone
As if I didn’t know that
As if I didn’t know my own bed
As if I’d never noticed
The way she brushed her hair from her forehead
And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow

I’m going to Graceland
Memphis Tennessee
I’m going to Graceland
Poorboys and Pilgrims with families
And we are going to Graceland

And my traveling companions
Are ghosts and empty sockets
I’m looking at ghosts and empties
But I’ve reason to believe
We all will be received
In Graceland

There is a girl in New York City
Who calls herself the human trampoline
And sometimes when I’m falling, flying
Or tumbling in turmoil I say
Oh, so this is what she means
She means we’re bouncing into Graceland
And I see losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow

In Graceland, in Graceland
I’m going to Graceland
For reasons I cannot explain
There’s some part of me wants to see
Graceland
And I may be obliged to defend
Every love, every ending
Or maybe there’s no obligations now
Maybe I’ve a reason to believe
We all will be received
In Graceland

This part is what sounded different to me:

She comes back to tell me she’s gone
As if I didn’t know that
As if I didn’t know my own bed
As if I’d never noticed
The way she brushed her hair from her forehead
And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow

Especially the part that talks about losing love.

It IS like a window in your heart.

Everyone CAN see you’re blown apart.

The younger version of myself didn’t think anything of that. This older, wiser, experienced version of myself thinks, “holy shit!  This is SO SO SO true!”

I’ve never really paid attention to the lyrics. Why? Because I didn’t have to. I just sang along to a catchy, popular tune.

This whole experience that I’ve gone through with my stbex made me open my eyes and ears to things that I have been missing.

Good things and not so good things.

Nevertheless, every time I hear that part of Graceland, it’s tones, melodies and words fill me with such a feeling as if to say “we get it. we know how you feel/felt. it’s ok. your loss is a window to your heart and your friends and family have seen it all. you can show us the love now.”

Thanks, Paul.

Comic relief.

Comedy. We all need it once in a while. My kids are hysterically funny. I really haven’t noticed until now because I have been in my own bubble, my own world, my own mind.

“Mommy, what did Gran call you when  you were little?”

“Banana legs..I was always outside playing and I always had bruised legs. We didn’t have video games or computers when I was little so we always played outside.”

“You didn’t? Is that like way back in the day?”

“Yes, for you since you are only 5.”

“So you didn’t have any running water?”

“Yes! We DID have running water! And color television!”

What did I do to her responses to me? I LAUGHED. And she laughed her cute little high pitched belly laugh.

The other morning she was singing “the hokey pokey” but changing it up pretending to be animals.

“You put your horse foot in, you take your horse foot out, you do the hokey pokey and….”

So simple. SO hysterically funny at 7am. Even her brother got in on the action while he was brushing his teeth.

I never really noticed the things that come out of their mouths. I was always saying, “yea, ok.” Or “no” and walk away. The past two mornings I have actually engaged in their silly stories and they made me laugh. I haven’t laughed with them in a long time.

My son, who is also 5 (natural twins), makes the funniest facial expressions when he is talking to me. Why am I just noticing this now? Why did I let my stbex fill up so much space in my head that I couldn’t see the beauty in my children?

I feel guilty for not being present with them for the past few years. My life was consumed by “fixing the marriage” and “going to counseling” instead of focusing on the two little beings that never left my side.

I am grateful that I get to experience THEIR life with them everyday. Stbex does not. He doesn’t get to hear the silly jokes or see the funny faces.

Now don’t get me wrong…There are times where they make me angry and I have to be the bad mom.

But I am starting to see them as little people with huge personalities.

Personalities that fill the room with laughter, games, crafts (not me, my daughter C), silliness and yes, sometimes fighting.