is this it?

I love the quote, “everything happens for a reason.”

I use it to explain a lot of things that has happened in my life. Good. Bad. Indifferent “things.”

But WHAT is that reason? Did my stbex choose this life so that I can be punished for something? For something in my past? Is this my karma?

I am lonely. The kids went with him this morning and won’t be back until 6:00 tomorrow night. I am lonely.

Why does he get to have someone to spend his time with? I have spent the whole day doing nothing. I am lonely.

I want someone to share my empty time with. I get so sad and down when it’s just me in this house. My friends are all busy with their families and I am here. Alone. I’ts not their problem that I’m alone. I am jealous of their lives.

Jealous, sad, lonely, depressed, throwing a pity party right now.

I could pop a xanax and go to bed right now. Last night, I went to bed at 8:30. My Friday night was CRAZY!

I am such an outgoing, people person. This is not good for me. I can’t take it.

Is it the weather?

I am sitting on the couch in my childhood home. The kids are with my mom and it is just me.  The four legged kids are asleep on the rug, under my feet. I mindlessly put on Sex and the City while I muddled through facebook, pinterest and whatever funny cat video was out there today.

Boring.

As I look out the window, the sky is a light grey with small puffs of even lighter grey. No sun. Looks like it might rain. The leaves in the trees are waving at me as I stare back at them.

Boring.

I feel “blah” today.

Boring.

I should be doing laundry, showering and packing the car for our 2.5 hour ride back home.

I’m listening to the TV and it’s all about being single.

Alone.

Boring.

Dog lady. (I’m not a fan of cats.)

I wonder if I’ll ever have a companion.

I don’t say “again” because my stbex wasn’t a companion. I was floating out in our “marriage” alone. No partner. No rock. No one to lean on and no one to defend me.

Alone.

I don’t know what it’s like, really. I do know that I don’t want to get married again.  “You’ll get married again!” “Never say never!”

Thanks.

As of this moment, this day, this week, this month–I do not want to get married. This whole experience put a sour taste in my mouth about marriage. Relationships? Not so much. Marriage? Absolutely.

I like companionship. I’d like to be someone’s “girl.”

Apparently that’s too much to ask.

I guess I need to manifest it.

I know I wrote about my manifestation conversation with my psychic…(Once I figure out how to embed a previous post, I will)

The leaves are still waving. Goodbye? Or hello…