Today I feel….

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1feel·ing

noun \ˈfē-liŋ\

: an awareness by your body of something in it or on it

: an emotional state or reaction

: thoughts of wanting to help someone who is sick, hungry, in trouble, etc.

 

I have been in many emotional states lately. 

Calm

Crazed

Sad

Angry

Happy

and the list could go on and on. 

Today I feel anxious. It feels like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. Although that could be the fact that I’ve had two cups of coffee. One more than usual.

Something happened on the school bus to one of my children. No details needed, but it is forcing me to communicate with my stbex. When I cut off contact with him I felt strong. Alive. Happy. Peaceful. Now I have to speak with him regarding this incident and all of my bad feelings come back. I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to wonder if this could be fixed. I know it can’t. My mind is swirling with all of these thoughts and sometimes I can’t stop it. I try to focus on my breathing. Walk when walking. Be in the moment, be present, chant, mantra, knitting, reading. 

My mind is my worst enemy. I wish I could take out my brain, wash away the bad stuff, and put it back in. Erase any confusing, swirling thoughts and start fresh. Isn’t that what erasers are for? Removing the mistake and starting over? 

When I wasn’t communicating with him I wasn’t having any confusing, sad thoughts. All I could think about were me and the kids. He’s pushing things with his lawyer and it’s starting to take a toll with me. I just wish he could go away.

I wish I could erase him. Start over. Bring back the original sketch of the man I married. But I can’t.

Breathe in, breathe out.

One day at a time. 

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Big red dot.

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Big red dot. That’s what my marriage has come down to.

Red dot on a brown folder.

A big red goose egg.

Cancel.

Dead.

Done.

Zero. 

Stop. Do not go forward. There will be no yellow or green light. STOP. 

 

I went to my lawyers office yesterday to answer a letter from stbex’s lawyer. (gag) She walked in carrying four arms worth of folders, papers and letters all the while managing to balance on her six inch heels. She amazes me! Anyway, she plopped the folders down on the table and pulled mine to my side. “S v. S DIVORCE” with a big red circle next to that. It was like a train wreck. You don’t want to stare but you can’t help yourself. I stared at it. That’s my last name next to that hated word, DIVORCE. My last name next to that big red dot. Why couldn’t the folders at least be pretty? Nothing about this is pretty. Come on–give me something! 

I started to get a knot in my stomach. I hate coming in here, except to have my lawyer validate my feelings. She’s good. REAL good. I know she will try her hardest to get me and the kids out of here and back home to my family.

The big red dot sort of brought some old emotions up for me. Made me sad. For about a second. Then I was ANGRY. I just want out of here. I want to drive home and not have any BIG RED DOTS telling me to STOP.