my ship lights

noun: friend; plural noun: friends; noun: Friend; plural noun: Friends

1. 1.

   a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

   syn: companion, soul mate, confidant, similar, kindred spirit, sidekick, buddy, homies, bff, peeps, best friend, ally…

   Ship lights.

   What a feeling it is to know that my friends are there to keep me safe in the stormiest of nights. Stormiest days. Stormiest hours. Stormiest minutes, seconds, nanoseconds.

   They are my blessings. My girls. My shoulders to lean on and feet to keep me moving forward.

   I got back a few hours ago from our annual weekend away. This year we went to NYC for a few days. It’s like not a day has passed and we pick up right where we left off the last time. I can BE MYSELF with my girls. WE can be ourselves. I shake off all of the cobwebs, drama, hateful feelings, bitterness, etc and just be me. It’s 48 hours of constant laughter. Quick witted comebacks and one-liners. Hugs, laughter, happiness, jokes…

   ship lights.

   We all got to NY sometime in the afternoon on Friday. Everyone was traveling from different states..MD, NH, MA and two of us from NY.  Every trip we take, I have a travel buddy. Makes it that much more fun. One year we drove, the next took a train and this year we flew. Planes, trains and automobiles!

   The weekend went way too fast. Friday night we decided to really let loose and “indulge” more than we would on Saturday night. Who wants to be hungover traveling on Sunday? Not us.

   Friday was a blast. Bits and pieces are coming back to me. Drinks were flowing. Jokes were told. Stories were shared. Bonds were made.

   Saturday we walked. and walked. and walked. We shopped. and shopped. and shopped. In Chinatown we found a sign that said “COLDASS WATER, $3.”  More laughter. We followed a sketchy lady to some hideout behind a statue of a Chinese dragon. There we were; huddled in a circle, checking out their knock off purses. A secret society.  A sketchy secret society…

   Cab rides. Scary drivers. Nasty cologne. Brand new cabs. Screeching. Stopping. Going. Honking. Constant stimulation in NYC. I could never live there.

   Saturday night. I have not had that much fun in a LONG, LONG, LONG time. We laughed until our stomachs were sore and then we’d laugh some more. We made friends with the waiter–it was his last night working there. He is striving to be a comedian. Little did he know, we are quite funny ourselves. You can only imagine the banter that went back and forth. All night. We filled our stomachs with delicious food and drink. The diets were tossed away until Monday. Deserts were eaten. The wine was flowing. The conversation was never serious. Light. Fun. It always is.

   Today we had to say good bye to each other. It’s always bittersweet because I don’t want to leave; yet I know we will be traveling again next year to make more memories. And more after that. We all leave to go back to our routine. Back to reality. Back to the daily grind. Back to our children; them to their spouses.

   I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have them in my life. I need them to help me weather my storm. I know I can count on them whenever I need them. They know that they can count on me too.

   I need my ship lights. Life is quite a stormy journey.

Comic relief.

Comedy. We all need it once in a while. My kids are hysterically funny. I really haven’t noticed until now because I have been in my own bubble, my own world, my own mind.

“Mommy, what did Gran call you when  you were little?”

“Banana legs..I was always outside playing and I always had bruised legs. We didn’t have video games or computers when I was little so we always played outside.”

“You didn’t? Is that like way back in the day?”

“Yes, for you since you are only 5.”

“So you didn’t have any running water?”

“Yes! We DID have running water! And color television!”

What did I do to her responses to me? I LAUGHED. And she laughed her cute little high pitched belly laugh.

The other morning she was singing “the hokey pokey” but changing it up pretending to be animals.

“You put your horse foot in, you take your horse foot out, you do the hokey pokey and….”

So simple. SO hysterically funny at 7am. Even her brother got in on the action while he was brushing his teeth.

I never really noticed the things that come out of their mouths. I was always saying, “yea, ok.” Or “no” and walk away. The past two mornings I have actually engaged in their silly stories and they made me laugh. I haven’t laughed with them in a long time.

My son, who is also 5 (natural twins), makes the funniest facial expressions when he is talking to me. Why am I just noticing this now? Why did I let my stbex fill up so much space in my head that I couldn’t see the beauty in my children?

I feel guilty for not being present with them for the past few years. My life was consumed by “fixing the marriage” and “going to counseling” instead of focusing on the two little beings that never left my side.

I am grateful that I get to experience THEIR life with them everyday. Stbex does not. He doesn’t get to hear the silly jokes or see the funny faces.

Now don’t get me wrong…There are times where they make me angry and I have to be the bad mom.

But I am starting to see them as little people with huge personalities.

Personalities that fill the room with laughter, games, crafts (not me, my daughter C), silliness and yes, sometimes fighting.