deleted.

Google photos always pops up with a memory “on this day” so many years ago. I love clicking on it and seeing my angelic twins playing as they did when they were 4. Today was one of those days. Videos of them innocently jumping on the bed; playing Just Dance and my raspy 4 year old sitting it out because there were no “boy faces’.

Then it hits me. I’m scrolling through the pictures and I see it. A black and white photo copy of a Valentine’s Day card. It was a copy of a card that my ex-husband sent to his girlfriend. The next photo was a picture of the Valentine’s Day card that he got me.

“That’s not my handwriting. I didn’t write that.” He was the king of denial. I know what LA means. Love, A****.  Bull shit it’s not your name.  I snapped the picture of the card I got and sent it to her all those years ago. Her response: “I’m in shock”. You’re in shock? YOU? You are the one who put herself in this marriage. In the middle of my 4 year olds lives.  In the middle of my disaster of a marriage. No, bitch. I’m in shock.

I WAS in shock.

But not today. I had zero reaction when I saw the pictures of the cards. zero. zilch. noting. I . FELT. NOTHING. I haven’t seen those images in years. I know they would have elicited some sort of response a few years back. But today, I hit delete.

Delete. I deleted this memory from my phone. Will I ever be able to delete that memory (and so many others…have I mentioned the naked picture of her?) that is ingrained in my brain? Probably not. However, I know that when Google pops up with another memory, those are gone. I won’t remember the exact date that I took them. I’ll remember the “I am shocked” comment. I won’t feel anything though. It’s gone. The gut punch, knee jerk, want to scratch someone’s eyes out reaction is gone.

GONE.

Looking back, I have come so far. Looking ahead, I have brand new memories to make.

the unknown.

First of all, I’d like to give a shout out to my friend Jamie. I called her and unloaded all this crap on her this morning. Her first question: “ok, do you have xanax?” No. But I will be getting some. Her last question: “why don’t you blog all of this?” So thanks, Spanks, (her nickname…Spanky) for your advice…

The ex has had a baby with his girlfriend, now fiance…Cried when the baby was born (out of sadness, not joy) and cried when I heard they got engaged. (Thanks, Jamie for softening the blow for me) That lasted about 2 days then I was over it. I am sure when the big day comes, I’ll either be:

a. doped up on xanax and sleeping

b. drunk.

c. at a spa

d. with my girlfriends (hopefully c and d)

Fast forward to the unknown…

My kids are making their first communion on Sunday…(we have twins)

One pew. One family. Me, him, kids…I asked my parents to sit someplace else so it wouldn’t be awkward. My parents hate my ex for what happened. Rightfully so.  Did I mention my dad is still paying for our wedding? I digress..

I shared with my ex that we have one pew for the kids’ family. He and I need to sit with the kids, go up with them as they receive communion, etc. I kindly asked him to have whoever is coming with him to sit someplace else. The seating arrangements could look something like this:

Me, kid, kid, ex, my mom, my dad, his whore

Me, kid, kid, ex, my dad, my mom, his whore

Him, kid, kid, me, my mom, my dad, his whore

Him, kid, kid, me, my dad, my mom, his whore.

 

Anyone see a pattern here? Has he answered my request? No. I told him that I wish we could sit on opposite sides of the church but that can’t happen. “I’m sure we can”, said the ex. See, he doesn’t believe in following rules that are given from other people. The letter clearly states that we are to SIT WITH OUR CHILDREN. If he chooses not to, that’s his deal. I’ll be right there with my kids.

My parents agreed to sit someplace else because they don’t want to make it awkward for anyone. Because THEY ARE SMART. He thinks everyone is ok with what he’s done.

News flash–we’re not. Still not. I wish I was. When will it go away? I read an article that I don’t need to forgive. Forgiveness is Overrated. Read it here. If he was truly sorry for his actions, then maybe. Anyway, I digress. again.

I’ve been having the craziest dreams because I have so much on my mind regarding this. I don’t want to dream of my old house (where they live, happily ever after) and them anymore.

I still don’t know where she is sitting. The unknown is killing me. Just as it has in the past. I need to “prepare for the worst, hope for the best, pop a xanax”–Jamie.

 

 

 

 

 

painful

Today I had to meet with my lawyer. She handed me a stack of paper and said, “here, start looking at these. I’ll be right back.”

Words. Words that I don’t understand. Legal jargon and a lot of “wife”, “husband”, “assets”, “children”, “divorce.”

My head started spinning and the tears started flowing. I don’t want to be sitting in her office, reading this shit. I don’t want to have to do this. NO. NO. This is NOT what my life was supposed to be like.

pain.

The tears keep coming and the tissues are crumpled up, soaked with my salty tears. My heart is crumpled. Crumpled and breaking.

I don’t want him back. I just can’t seem to get past the death of what my and my children’s lives were supposed to be like with this person. (I can’t call him a man. A real man wouldn’t do this)

“Divorce is probably as painful as death.”

Yep.

There is no funeral. No burial. You continue to have to see this person who you trusted with your entire soul. This person didn’t die. Although I often say that my life would be so much easier if he did.

No. This person (and his whore) are walking around, breathing the same air that I am. Living in the same craphole town that I am. They are alive and happy. Playing house with MY children. Buying MY children clothes, toys, shoes. Whatever they want.  She’s not their mother and she never will be. I can’t wait for karma to rear it’s ugly head.

For now, I am in pain. Still. I have been in pain for a very, very, very long time. Years. I don’t know when I will come out of this. I thought I was better. Lately I have just been in pain. In shock. How could someone do this to his wife and children? Why did he marry me in the first place? How can he be ok with how things are?

I had to figure out a “holiday schedule” with my lawyer today. Christmas, Thanksgiving, THEIR BIRTHDAY. I am their mother. I carried them for 7.5 months. I SHOULD NOT be away from them on their birthday, EVER. Am I wrong? I can’t imagine being away from my children on their birthday. I shouldn’t have to make a schedule like this. They shouldn’t have to alternate weekends, vacations, holidays, etc. All of this is bullshit. All because he is selfish.

Selfish.

1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2.characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself:

selfish motives.

He never thought of the kids. He never had the kids best interest in mind. If he did, we wouldn’t be in this boat. We would have fixed our marriage and life would be “normal.”

But this will never happen. NEVER. NEVER.

This is all very painful.

Comic relief.

Comedy. We all need it once in a while. My kids are hysterically funny. I really haven’t noticed until now because I have been in my own bubble, my own world, my own mind.

“Mommy, what did Gran call you when  you were little?”

“Banana legs..I was always outside playing and I always had bruised legs. We didn’t have video games or computers when I was little so we always played outside.”

“You didn’t? Is that like way back in the day?”

“Yes, for you since you are only 5.”

“So you didn’t have any running water?”

“Yes! We DID have running water! And color television!”

What did I do to her responses to me? I LAUGHED. And she laughed her cute little high pitched belly laugh.

The other morning she was singing “the hokey pokey” but changing it up pretending to be animals.

“You put your horse foot in, you take your horse foot out, you do the hokey pokey and….”

So simple. SO hysterically funny at 7am. Even her brother got in on the action while he was brushing his teeth.

I never really noticed the things that come out of their mouths. I was always saying, “yea, ok.” Or “no” and walk away. The past two mornings I have actually engaged in their silly stories and they made me laugh. I haven’t laughed with them in a long time.

My son, who is also 5 (natural twins), makes the funniest facial expressions when he is talking to me. Why am I just noticing this now? Why did I let my stbex fill up so much space in my head that I couldn’t see the beauty in my children?

I feel guilty for not being present with them for the past few years. My life was consumed by “fixing the marriage” and “going to counseling” instead of focusing on the two little beings that never left my side.

I am grateful that I get to experience THEIR life with them everyday. Stbex does not. He doesn’t get to hear the silly jokes or see the funny faces.

Now don’t get me wrong…There are times where they make me angry and I have to be the bad mom.

But I am starting to see them as little people with huge personalities.

Personalities that fill the room with laughter, games, crafts (not me, my daughter C), silliness and yes, sometimes fighting.

 

 

The phone call.

I don’t get it. I thought I was so much better than I am.

Stbex called to talk to N and C. I got the phone and he was not very nice…ok I wasn’t either.

I hear girls and his current girlfriend in the background. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. (did I mention he is in Florida with her? Never did those things with me)

Once I WAS HUNG UP ON I instantly called him back. My impulsively kicked in and I was frantic again. But I stopped. Did not text. Did not call again.

Crumpled on the couch and cried. 30 seconds later I hear, “MOMMY! The pizza is here!”

Oh right. Life. Parenting. Emotions. Twins. Single parent. Abandoned.  Pain. Hatred. Questions with no answers. Answers that make no sense to a sane human being.

How can his actions still cause me so much pain? Why can’t he see how much hurt he has caused? I can’t go back to running those thoughts in my head.

Tomorrow is a new day. 24 hours to NOT call,text, freak out.  I hate this roller coaster I am on. I want to fast forward to a year from now.  I would love to sleep for the next 365 days. But I can’t.

Life. Parenting. Twins. Single parent.

“You’re having two, didn’t you know?”

No! We didn’t know. That was on November 18th 2007. Twins run in my family. I wouldn’t have it ANY OTHER WAY.

I had my palm read years ago and the man said I was going to have twins. That was in 2005.

Here I am, 9 years later, sitting in the car with my kids who are almost six. C, my girl, is going on and on about My Little Pony. N, my son, is quietly playing with his toy, taking it all in.

She has been the alpha twin since the day they were born. She was 3.2 lbs and he was 4.10. They are now 35 and 45 lbs, respectively.

She’s my spitfire, he’s my sensitive one.

I am jealous of their relationship…is that weird to say?

They are everything to me…