That’s how many hours I spent in my house alone so far this weekend. I finally got myself into the shower, dressed and slapped some makeup on my face that wouldn’t show how sad and lonely I am.
I found myself at Barnes and Nobles, sitting in an overstuffed chair while this woman across from me reads GARDENING IN NY. She’s humming to herself and it’s driving me absolutely crazy. There is no rhyme or reason to her humming. It does not go along with the elevator music that is coming through the speakers in the ceiling.
I look at her some more; no ring. Is she divorced? Widowed? Never been married? Why would that be one of the first things I notice? I hate that I notice those things. I wish I could rewire my brain so I wouldn’t think of those things.
One of my favorite things to do is people watch. I try to sit an visualize what their life is like. If it’s anything like mine.
I wish I could rewire my brain so that I was the complete opposite of my current self. Well actually, the only self I have known.
I want to be happy and content while being alone. But I’m not. I am a people person. I am emotional. I need to feel accepted, loved, cared for and important. I know I’m supposed to start with accepting, loving and caring for myself. It feels a hell of a lot better when it comes from someone else.
I wish I didn’t think that way. I wish I didn’t want someone in my life. I wish I enjoyed being alone, staring at the walls in my house. (humming lady left. thank god.)
I am a typical Scorpio. Intense, emotional, always questioning, secretive, passionate and extremely loyal.
Right now in this phase of my life I hate that I am a typical scorp. I don’t want to be emotional, intense, passionate and loyal. I want to break that part away from me because it is bringing me absolutely no good.
I hate being alone.
I love the quote, “everything happens for a reason.”
I use it to explain a lot of things that has happened in my life. Good. Bad. Indifferent “things.”
But WHAT is that reason? Did my stbex choose this life so that I can be punished for something? For something in my past? Is this my karma?
I am lonely. The kids went with him this morning and won’t be back until 6:00 tomorrow night. I am lonely.
Why does he get to have someone to spend his time with? I have spent the whole day doing nothing. I am lonely.
I want someone to share my empty time with. I get so sad and down when it’s just me in this house. My friends are all busy with their families and I am here. Alone. I’ts not their problem that I’m alone. I am jealous of their lives.
Jealous, sad, lonely, depressed, throwing a pity party right now.
I could pop a xanax and go to bed right now. Last night, I went to bed at 8:30. My Friday night was CRAZY!
I am such an outgoing, people person. This is not good for me. I can’t take it.
I haven’t been here in a while. I thought I had my shit together. It’s amazing how much you need someone to help you get back on track.
My therapist is amazing. Amazing.
I can be myself around her. She gets me. It’s like she’s lived inside my head and can sift through the twists and turns of my psyche.
I need to be back here. I’m starting to fall off the “I’m strong now. I can handle this” wagon.
I felt a lot of rage today. Stbex. His whore. The problems. The death of a vision I once had.
It’s all sad to me again. As I am sitting here in her waiting room, I could cry all over again.
I need her to clean out the gunk and messed up shit that’s floating around my brain. Heal the battle wounds, patch up my lacerations, give me a good dose of medicine (aka reality check) and send me on my way.
I’ll be back again next week. And probably the week after that.
And so my life goes on. One day at a time. But these past few days have felt like I’m walking in a battlefield and no guns are dropped. The bullets keep flying and I have no where to go except through them.