Confusion.

What am I doing?? Am I moving? 

I have a job interview on Thursday for a job that I know I don’t want. I have to drive 2.5 hours back home for the interview. Could it possibly lead to a job that I would want? 

I hate change. I hate my stbex for putting us in this place.

All I think about is the kids—Will they hate me in the future for moving away? 

MENTAL HEALTH. I HAVE to think about my mental health. I have to be selfish and think about me. Right?

Will I be able to continue living here and living this life? Will I be able to see him everyday without wanting to claw his face off? Right now, today, that’s a big fat NO.

I don’t know what else to do. I need a change. He forced this change upon us. How selfish is THAT?

I am so confused and so torn. I love my job but I don’t like my life here. I can’t move on here. Not move on in the sense that I need to meet someone. I mean move on in the sense that I will be at peace with MYSELF and the life that was handed to me. 

I can go. I can take control of my mental health. I have to move in order to get healthy. I keep thinking about the kids, though.

“Kids are resilient.”

“This will be their norm!”

That’s not fair for me to do that to them. I always put them first and I am having a very difficult time putting myself first. I don’t know how someone could NOT put the kids first. Thank you, stbex.

This is a hard and difficult road that I am on. 

Anyone have a roadmap?

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I’ve turned a corner.

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Never in a million years would I ever think I would be here. I thought I would be crawled in my bed forever.

I am in shock to see how far I’ve come from August 2013 to now. Yes counseling and meds help, and the knitting (you should see what I am making now!) helps but I actually feel different.

I don’t get that flood of anger that comes up from the deepest, darkest places of my soul. I get a little nervous if I hear something new, but it fades.

Fades like the memories I had of holding onto hope. Holding on so tightly for the slightest, minuscule chance of saving our marriage.

Fades like the memories of me crying in bed, or at work, or in the car all the time wondering “why?”

Not anymore. I did nothing wrong. I did nothing to deserve this and I DESERVE BETTER. So do my kids.

I am content with my boring little life right now. No crying, no wondering why, no sleepless nights, no trying to get it all figured out.

I can take a deep breathe and exhale. That breath just fades away lile my horrifying memories.

Transitions.

download (4)We have a student with Aspberger’s in one of the 9th grade English classes that I teach. He is notoriously late for class.

Every class.

Everyday.

He misses important info at the beginning of class then gets worked up because he doesn’t know what we are doing.

Transitions are not easy for him.

If I erased his Aspberger’s, would he still be doing this? I wish I could just jump inside his mind and figure it all out.

Transitions are not easy for me, either.

I hate change. Could I just take my time moving from one phase of my life to another? Go against the rules and respond to divorce papers on my time?

I hate change. I had this idea in my head (and promised to me in our wedding day almost 8 years ago) that we would grow old together and sit in rocking chairs on the porch enjoying life once the kids were grown.

Change. I have to transition to this “new life” that is not what I had hoped for.

I would like know why this student moves at his own pace.

He must hate change too. (I know children with Autism do not like change in their routine)

Each day I wake up and realize that I am one day closer to the end of it all. Makes me queasy. Even though he threw me on this roller coaster of emotions and life changes with no protection from falling to my death, I am still sad.

I am angry at him for the extremely sefish, irresponsible, immature choices he has made for our family. I actually despise him.

But I hate change.

Anyone have a late pass that I can use on life?