2018…

2018.

I haven’t written in a long time. I’ve been told that I should continue writing–not just for me, but also for those that read these.

So, I am. I opened up my laptop and logged in. I started reading my past posts. GOD what a change. The old me is still inside, but she’s teeny tiny. Smaller version. Floats around and is barely visible. Sometimes she makes herself known, but very quickly disappears back to where she came from.

So where am I now? Calmer. Quieter. Less stressed. Less wound up. Less tense.

When I talk about my path, I always say that blogging really helped me get through those years of pain, darkness, death. It really did. That and knitting. I have a “divorce scarf” that I knitted while going through that. I still wear it to remind me of how far I’ve come. It’s not perfect. Neither am I.

 

Today I feel….

 

¹feel·ing

noun \ˈfē-liŋ\

: an awareness by your body of something in it or on it

: an emotional state or reaction

: thoughts of wanting to help someone who is sick, hungry, in trouble, etc.

 

I have been in many emotional states lately. 

Calm

Crazed

Sad

Angry

Happy

and the list could go on and on. 

Today I feel anxious. It feels like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. Although that could be the fact that I’ve had two cups of coffee. One more than usual.

Something happened on the school bus to one of my children. No details needed, but it is forcing me to communicate with my stbex. When I cut off contact with him I felt strong. Alive. Happy. Peaceful. Now I have to speak with him regarding this incident and all of my bad feelings come back. I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to wonder if this could be fixed. I know it can’t. My mind is swirling with all of these thoughts and sometimes I can’t stop it. I try to focus on my breathing. Walk when walking. Be in the moment, be present, chant, mantra, knitting, reading. 

My mind is my worst enemy. I wish I could take out my brain, wash away the bad stuff, and put it back in. Erase any confusing, swirling thoughts and start fresh. Isn’t that what erasers are for? Removing the mistake and starting over? 

When I wasn’t communicating with him I wasn’t having any confusing, sad thoughts. All I could think about were me and the kids. He’s pushing things with his lawyer and it’s starting to take a toll with me. I just wish he could go away.

I wish I could erase him. Start over. Bring back the original sketch of the man I married. But I can’t.

Breathe in, breathe out.

One day at a time. 

“I thought only old ladies knit.”

Why thank you, 11th grade student taking 10th grade global for the second time. I pulled out my knitting needles to show them the scarf I am working on for my daughter.

I just learned how to knit two weeks ago. It is very meditative. The English teacher I work with knows about all of my stress and anxiety so she taught me how to knit.

(great story about your brain while knitting: http:// http://www.kvia.com/news/health/This-is-your-brain-on-knitting/25150486)

Is this what my life is going to become? I am 35 years old, single mom of twins and a knitter.

I can hear the feral cats now. “meow, we smell your yarn old lady let us in.”

Will I become a hoarder and end up on Hoarding: Buried Alive? They might find those cats dead wound up in balls of yarn.

I enjoy it though. I get lost in the motion and time just slips away from me. I forget all of my problems and I create something. It’s a nice hobby.

Thank god I am allergic to cats.