what a long, strange trip its been

It truly has been.  From devastation to recovery and everything in between. It has been a wild ride. Although I am not 100% detached from my story–I don’t think I ever will be-I am able to handle things with more grace than before. That angry, hot headed scorned ex wife is no longer. A newer, better version of myself has emerged.

I still get emotional sometimes. I cried little tears yesterday when I learned that their baby is being delivered on Monday. They were not big, wailing, crocodile tears that lasted for hours. Just a few trickled down to remind me of how far I have come and how far I have yet to go. I will pay myself on the back, however, because I HAVE SURVIVED.

Those three words. I HAVE SURVIVED. I never thought in a million years that I would have survived this. I did. It did not kill me. It did kill a naïve, weak, small version of myself. Thank you for that. However, it did not kill ME. I am stronger because of it.

Thank you to those of you on here–those complete strangers who knew how I felt. Who knew what to say to me at the right time. I don’t know you personally, but what you have done for me here, I will never forget.

I HAVE SURVIVED.

 

 

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one step can change everything.

I thought I was passed all of this.

I thought I had cried all my tears, forgotten about “them” and was stronger than this.

Friday was the first time that I laid eyes on “her” since the truth came out.  One foot out of a store in the mall and there she was.

one step can change everything.

I honestly didn’t think that I would react in the way I did. She didn’t see me; thank god.

Frozen.

Heart racing.

Sweaty palms.

Anger. Anger. Anger. Sadness. Sadness. Sadness.

I called one of my girlfriends (after calling stbex and bitching him out) and she talked me off the ledge.

I walked out to my car and then the tears started flowing.

Flowing like hot lava on my cold cheeks onto my cold hands, pooling in my ears as I talk on the phone.

That totally fucked me up.

The kids were with him this weekend.

I was ALONE. Sick and alone.

Lonely. Alone. Solo.

No one to take care of me while I was sick. No one to rot on the couch with.

The kids came back tonight at 6.

Come to find out “she” spent the whole weekend with them.

Painting pumpkins, making cookies, doing FAMILY things.

That’s MY family.

She was NOT part of this plan. This is not how my life was supposed to be.

This is NOT how the kids lives were supposed to go.

After I learned that she was there this weekend, (according to lawyers and law guardian, she’s not supposed to be there when the kids are until they are interviewed by the law guardian) the tears started flowing again.

Hot lava on my cold cheeks, hands, ears. Burning and stinging like salt on an open wound.

It wouldn’t stop.

All the emotions came back and I couldn’t stop them. The dam had unleashed it’s fury of anger, sadness, depression, tears into my once calm state.

Why does this still hurt? How can I still be sad about this? I don’t want him. I am sad over the death of the vision that I had for our family. I was the one who should be painting pumpkins and making cookies with my family. NOT her.

Run away. Run away as fast as I can. That’s my next thought.

What I want for my kids is not here. It’s home. Family, friends, memories.

Yes their father and his whore are here, but this is not what I want for my children. I want tradition. Family and friends. Holidays together. Lazy summers together.

I don’t get that here. I won’t have that here.

one step can change everything.

One day at a time…

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That has been my mantra since I dug myself out of the suffocating and exhausting vortex of pain. For months I was stuck in this swirling tornado of emotions. 

My whole world was sucked into this monster and spit out far away from anything that I had hoped for. I was always worrying about the future. Never living in the now.

It has taken me a while to stop my mind from perseverating on “what will be.” I have somehow blocked (or killed) any thoughts or notions of my desire and hope for a healthy marriage. The thought doesn’t even really cross my mind anymore. Have I accepted it? Yes, I have moments where I fall back into some emotional sand storm, but I come out quicker than before. I have to “get through” the emotions because there is no way “around them.” (If my stbex worked through his emotions we wouldn’t be in this mess)

I was talking to my father yesterday and he said to me; “What do you think is going to happen LONG TERM? Do you think you’ll be living there? Moving?”

My response? “Dad, I am only worrying about May 18th 2014. Then tomorrow, I will only be worrying about May 19th, 2014 and so on.”

I can’t predict the future. I can’t think about the future. I can only think about this day. What are my jobs today? Get up, get the kids out the door, teach the youth of America, pick up kids, make memories with kids, kiss them hug them love them. Today. 

I will think about tomorrow when it comes. 

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

-Siddhartha Gautama

Today I feel….

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1feel·ing

noun \ˈfē-liŋ\

: an awareness by your body of something in it or on it

: an emotional state or reaction

: thoughts of wanting to help someone who is sick, hungry, in trouble, etc.

 

I have been in many emotional states lately. 

Calm

Crazed

Sad

Angry

Happy

and the list could go on and on. 

Today I feel anxious. It feels like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. Although that could be the fact that I’ve had two cups of coffee. One more than usual.

Something happened on the school bus to one of my children. No details needed, but it is forcing me to communicate with my stbex. When I cut off contact with him I felt strong. Alive. Happy. Peaceful. Now I have to speak with him regarding this incident and all of my bad feelings come back. I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to wonder if this could be fixed. I know it can’t. My mind is swirling with all of these thoughts and sometimes I can’t stop it. I try to focus on my breathing. Walk when walking. Be in the moment, be present, chant, mantra, knitting, reading. 

My mind is my worst enemy. I wish I could take out my brain, wash away the bad stuff, and put it back in. Erase any confusing, swirling thoughts and start fresh. Isn’t that what erasers are for? Removing the mistake and starting over? 

When I wasn’t communicating with him I wasn’t having any confusing, sad thoughts. All I could think about were me and the kids. He’s pushing things with his lawyer and it’s starting to take a toll with me. I just wish he could go away.

I wish I could erase him. Start over. Bring back the original sketch of the man I married. But I can’t.

Breathe in, breathe out.

One day at a time. 

This stage.

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I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to feel the ache in my heart and stomach when I speak to him. I don’t want to be sad.

I thought I was past this emotion. I thought I was turning a corner to a “new me.”

Why am I being bombarded with emotions that I thought I had buried. Why have they clawed their way out of the locked grave that I slammed shut a month ago?

Why?

I know that with major life changes and grief people go through many stages. Why did I fall back into this puddle of tears and sadness? I thought that I wasn’t going to fall back into THIS stage. I thought THIS stage was long gone.

Kids are with their father at a carnival. That was supposed to be something we did as a family. Those are family activities. I am so sad right now. Sad over the fact that the man I married is dead, but someone who looks just like him but acts completely different is alive.

I spoke to him for the first time in months today. Actually 20 minutes ago. I cried. I asked “why.” I did all the things you’re not supposed to do. I did not, however, try to convince him to fix our broken marriage. Small wins.

I told him that I want to go home. I want to move away from here. I can’t be free here.

Before I enter the store, salon, etc I have to check the place first to see who is in there. Happened today. Went to get a pedicure and I had to scour the place for any face that would make me have any negative reaction. Is that how my life will be like now? I can’t start over here.

I am really sad at this very moment. Tears are running down my cheeks like the rain that is pouring down outside.

I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to cry. I want to stay angry. I don’t want to speak to him. I have been through so much. I have been on this emotional roller coaster and I cannot get off of it. Is this some sick joke? Am I being pranked by “god”?

Why am I being put through this? I thought I was a good person with good morals and values. Why does someone who has no moral compass and no values get to make these decisions that affect so many people? I believe in karma. I don’t want to be around when his comes knocking on his door.

My story.

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The kids are eating dinner and it’s quiet so I’d figure I’d post my story…I can’t make this stuff up!

We were married in July 2006. Best friends, perfect pair (in my eyes) and soul mates.

Year one: We had fun! Went out,  socialized and were loving the married life. Little did I know my stbex started resenting me for “little things. ” Never communicated.

Year two: Stbex got a new job in a SMALL TOWN that I did not want to love in. I agreed to go because this was a stepping stone in his career. We move. I HATE it. Severe depression kicked in and I was in bed every night at 5. That’s my coping mechanism. Not ONCE did stbex come in to check on me. I never stopped loving him; I stopped loving myself.

Bring on the twins! Yay! We’re pregnant. Twins run in my family. Surprise! Now I’m severely depressed, hating my job and having to deal with double the hormones. Great. Stbex still didn’t understand why I couldn’t “snap out of it. ” The doctor put me on bed rest so I went home. Instantly. Stbex never expressed his feelings because he was afraid of pushing me over the edge. In March his mother was diagnosed with brain cancer. In May the babies came. 6 weeks early. In June my stbex saved my father’s life on the golf course. Dropped dead, heart attack, no breathing,  no pulse. His quick thinking, CPR and a defibrillator saved his life.

In the fall we all.go back up to that small town. That I hate. New job, new apartment, new babies. New body. Blah. Again, stbex never communicated his feelings towards me about “not showing him enough love.” I’m not a mind reader.

They took me off birth control pills and put me on blood pressure meds. I was having auras and migraines daily. Debilitating….

My mother in law passed away on December 17 2008. We were all with her when she passed. I cannot even describe what it was like watching someone you love so much die in a matter of days right before your eyes. That’s the day I lost my husband too.

In February of 2009 I went in to have a mass removed from my lung. It was a twin that I absorbed when my mother was pregnant. Crazy stuff, right? Anyway I was super scared but stbex and I decided to go through with it anyway because if I let it go it could eventually burst and kill me. (At that time we had NO clue it was my twin) When I woke up, I couldn’t see anything in my right peripheral vision. “It’s just the anesthesia so just sleep it off.” Ok. Six hours later I woke up and still couldn’t see. Doctors stand at the foot of my bed resting their chins on theor fingers, scratching their heads. They sent me down for an MIR and CT scan. When I got back to my room this is the conversation I had with the nurse…

Me: “What is going on? Am I foing to go blind?”

Nurse: “We don’t know.”

YOU DON’T KNOW???

This word  change my life forever:
STROKE.

I had a stroke in my occipital lobe in my brain. Effects my vision. Remember all those migraines and auras that I was having? Those were mini strokes. I live with a blurry spot. It’s always there. Part of my vision is gone. It will never come back. I haven’t had a migraine or aura since the stroke. Small wins.

I was out of work for three months.

Year three: Stbex got a job back in the town that we lived in. Yay! We are going back! I got a job, we got a house. I lived with my parents for that summer. He’d drive up on the weekends. Me and the kids moved back at the end of that summer. So happy to be back. This is where we belonged.

Enter bar tender. My stbex started an emotional affair with a bar tender while we were still at my parent’s place. Our first year back was pure hell. He wouldn’t come home after work, pushed away from me and emotionally detached himself from our marriage. I found out in May of 2010. Yes, they had sex. Disgusting. As soon as he told me I knew that I wanted to fix our marriage. We have children! We need to fix it!

Counselor after counselor. Drink after drink. Stbex moved out. Was taking heavy duty anti depressants and drinking heavily. Moved back in. Drinking stopped.

Year four to present: Still hell. Nothing was working. My heart ached to have my husband back. Same thing. Wasn’t coming home at night. Sought the advice from a female co worker on divorce. She just divorced her husband. She wanted mine. She dug her claws in amd never let go.

The lies he would tell would make your head spin. To me, her, our friends and family.

He files for divorce in August of 2013 and moved out. I said “no I do not agree with divorce.” I found a phenomenal counseling team. Stbex was seeing the husband of my counselor. He to work on his issues (never grieving his mother’s death, poor choices he’s made etc) and I to work on my reactions. (I’m Italian…and I’ve been burned by him many many times)

The ultimate goal was that we were going to come together, the four of us, to see if we can save our marriage.

On Christmas morning he showed up late and missed seeing the kids open their gifts from Santa. He lied and said he was going to see his family which is about five hours away. Lie.

My.mother found a picture of he and his co-worker girlfriend on facebook. He was spending the holidays with her family. Not his own children. I was paralyzed for weeks.

They have been living together this whole time. He lied to me, our counselors, family and friends. He has been in Florida with her for the past week on vacation. I am leaving to take the kids to see my family for this coming up week.

The man I once knew—kind hearted, caring, family man, loving is now dead. I have had to not only grieve the death of my husband but also the death of my hopes for a great marriage for my children. He rarely sees them and when he calls they don’t want to talk to him.

Apparently he’s already cheated on this flavor of the month. But they’ve been together for two years all while we were going to counseling.

Marriage is very important to me  I took my vows very seriously. I’ll never do it again.

I plan to leave this town and move back to my hometown. I’ve applied for teaching positions and I am ready to go.
Our divorce is no where near finished. I know that I’ve gotten stronger since Christmas but I fall back once in a while.

I have been emotionally beaten down to nothing. He’s damaged me right to my core.

But everyone tells me that I’ll survive.