what a long, strange trip its been

It truly has been.  From devastation to recovery and everything in between. It has been a wild ride. Although I am not 100% detached from my story–I don’t think I ever will be-I am able to handle things with more grace than before. That angry, hot headed scorned ex wife is no longer. A newer, better version of myself has emerged.

I still get emotional sometimes. I cried little tears yesterday when I learned that their baby is being delivered on Monday. They were not big, wailing, crocodile tears that lasted for hours. Just a few trickled down to remind me of how far I have come and how far I have yet to go. I will pay myself on the back, however, because I HAVE SURVIVED.

Those three words. I HAVE SURVIVED. I never thought in a million years that I would have survived this. I did. It did not kill me. It did kill a naïve, weak, small version of myself. Thank you for that. However, it did not kill ME. I am stronger because of it.

Thank you to those of you on here–those complete strangers who knew how I felt. Who knew what to say to me at the right time. I don’t know you personally, but what you have done for me here, I will never forget.

I HAVE SURVIVED.

 

 

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I’ve turned a corner.

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Never in a million years would I ever think I would be here. I thought I would be crawled in my bed forever.

I am in shock to see how far I’ve come from August 2013 to now. Yes counseling and meds help, and the knitting (you should see what I am making now!) helps but I actually feel different.

I don’t get that flood of anger that comes up from the deepest, darkest places of my soul. I get a little nervous if I hear something new, but it fades.

Fades like the memories I had of holding onto hope. Holding on so tightly for the slightest, minuscule chance of saving our marriage.

Fades like the memories of me crying in bed, or at work, or in the car all the time wondering “why?”

Not anymore. I did nothing wrong. I did nothing to deserve this and I DESERVE BETTER. So do my kids.

I am content with my boring little life right now. No crying, no wondering why, no sleepless nights, no trying to get it all figured out.

I can take a deep breathe and exhale. That breath just fades away lile my horrifying memories.