One day at a time…

That has been my mantra since I dug myself out of the suffocating and exhausting vortex of pain. For months I was stuck in this swirling tornado of emotions. 

My whole world was sucked into this monster and spit out far away from anything that I had hoped for. I was always worrying about the future. Never living in the now.

It has taken me a while to stop my mind from perseverating on “what will be.” I have somehow blocked (or killed) any thoughts or notions of my desire and hope for a healthy marriage. The thought doesn’t even really cross my mind anymore. Have I accepted it? Yes, I have moments where I fall back into some emotional sand storm, but I come out quicker than before. I have to “get through” the emotions because there is no way “around them.” (If my stbex worked through his emotions we wouldn’t be in this mess)

I was talking to my father yesterday and he said to me; “What do you think is going to happen LONG TERM? Do you think you’ll be living there? Moving?”

My response? “Dad, I am only worrying about May 18th 2014. Then tomorrow, I will only be worrying about May 19th, 2014 and so on.”

I can’t predict the future. I can’t think about the future. I can only think about this day. What are my jobs today? Get up, get the kids out the door, teach the youth of America, pick up kids, make memories with kids, kiss them hug them love them. Today. 

I will think about tomorrow when it comes. 

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

-Siddhartha Gautama

Am I free?

I learned a lot of disgusting details of my stbex this weekend. I didn’t get angry, I just got a little shaky when I was listening to some new news of his “antics.” 

But I didn’t freak out. I didn’t care. Am I free from that emotional jail? Have I finally detached myself from him? I do not speak to him or look at him when he comes over. I think that’s really helped me. I will continue to do that.  I can’t even sit in the same room to discuss finances. I leave that up to my lawyer.

I DID, however, text him that I was learning new details about something that I was lied to about. Of course, he got mad and is going to confront anyone that talks about him. Ok. Good luck with that. The people that talk are the people who USED to think you were a great guy. Who USED to be your friend. Who dislike you now. And are on my side. 

I woke up this morning and sent him a text. I told him that I don’t love him like I used to. The stories I hear about him do not hurt me anymore. I told him that I am not in my emotional jail anymore and that all I care about is me and the kids. It was very freeing.

Will I slip back into moments of weakness? Sadness? I am 100% sure. But hearing what I heard last night made it really easy for me to wake up with a smile on my face.