the unknown.

First of all, I’d like to give a shout out to my friend Jamie. I called her and unloaded all this crap on her this morning. Her first question: “ok, do you have xanax?” No. But I will be getting some. Her last question: “why don’t you blog all of this?” So thanks, Spanks, (her nickname…Spanky) for your advice…

The ex has had a baby with his girlfriend, now fiance…Cried when the baby was born (out of sadness, not joy) and cried when I heard they got engaged. (Thanks, Jamie for softening the blow for me) That lasted about 2 days then I was over it. I am sure when the big day comes, I’ll either be:

a. doped up on xanax and sleeping

b. drunk.

c. at a spa

d. with my girlfriends (hopefully c and d)

Fast forward to the unknown…

My kids are making their first communion on Sunday…(we have twins)

One pew. One family. Me, him, kids…I asked my parents to sit someplace else so it wouldn’t be awkward. My parents hate my ex for what happened. Rightfully so.  Did I mention my dad is still paying for our wedding? I digress..

I shared with my ex that we have one pew for the kids’ family. He and I need to sit with the kids, go up with them as they receive communion, etc. I kindly asked him to have whoever is coming with him to sit someplace else. The seating arrangements could look something like this:

Me, kid, kid, ex, my mom, my dad, his whore

Me, kid, kid, ex, my dad, my mom, his whore

Him, kid, kid, me, my mom, my dad, his whore

Him, kid, kid, me, my dad, my mom, his whore.

 

Anyone see a pattern here? Has he answered my request? No. I told him that I wish we could sit on opposite sides of the church but that can’t happen. “I’m sure we can”, said the ex. See, he doesn’t believe in following rules that are given from other people. The letter clearly states that we are to SIT WITH OUR CHILDREN. If he chooses not to, that’s his deal. I’ll be right there with my kids.

My parents agreed to sit someplace else because they don’t want to make it awkward for anyone. Because THEY ARE SMART. He thinks everyone is ok with what he’s done.

News flash–we’re not. Still not. I wish I was. When will it go away? I read an article that I don’t need to forgive. Forgiveness is Overrated. Read it here. If he was truly sorry for his actions, then maybe. Anyway, I digress. again.

I’ve been having the craziest dreams because I have so much on my mind regarding this. I don’t want to dream of my old house (where they live, happily ever after) and them anymore.

I still don’t know where she is sitting. The unknown is killing me. Just as it has in the past. I need to “prepare for the worst, hope for the best, pop a xanax”–Jamie.

 

 

 

 

 

This stage.

I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to feel the ache in my heart and stomach when I speak to him. I don’t want to be sad.

I thought I was past this emotion. I thought I was turning a corner to a “new me.”

Why am I being bombarded with emotions that I thought I had buried. Why have they clawed their way out of the locked grave that I slammed shut a month ago?

Why?

I know that with major life changes and grief people go through many stages. Why did I fall back into this puddle of tears and sadness? I thought that I wasn’t going to fall back into THIS stage. I thought THIS stage was long gone.

Kids are with their father at a carnival. That was supposed to be something we did as a family. Those are family activities. I am so sad right now. Sad over the fact that the man I married is dead, but someone who looks just like him but acts completely different is alive.

I spoke to him for the first time in months today. Actually 20 minutes ago. I cried. I asked “why.” I did all the things you’re not supposed to do. I did not, however, try to convince him to fix our broken marriage. Small wins.

I told him that I want to go home. I want to move away from here. I can’t be free here.

Before I enter the store, salon, etc I have to check the place first to see who is in there. Happened today. Went to get a pedicure and I had to scour the place for any face that would make me have any negative reaction. Is that how my life will be like now? I can’t start over here.

I am really sad at this very moment. Tears are running down my cheeks like the rain that is pouring down outside.

I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to cry. I want to stay angry. I don’t want to speak to him. I have been through so much. I have been on this emotional roller coaster and I cannot get off of it. Is this some sick joke? Am I being pranked by “god”?

Why am I being put through this? I thought I was a good person with good morals and values. Why does someone who has no moral compass and no values get to make these decisions that affect so many people? I believe in karma. I don’t want to be around when his comes knocking on his door.

It’s back.

NOT the “oh my god I am so desperate to save our marriage” thing.

He is back. From Florida. (This was his SECOND trip there this month. We live in NY)

Must be nice.

While he was gone I felt strong, calm, in control.

Not anymore. I just want to scream. Life was so much easier when he was away.

I like it when he’s away. I am calm. I am strong. I am ME.

Now I am wound up tighter than a ball of rubber bands.

I want to let loose on him and tell him how stupid he is. Stupid stupid stupid.

Or am I stupid? Wait. I am the stupid one. I am the stupid one for allowing his presence to affect me. I cannot allow him to control my emotions. I have to pretend he is still in Florida. (Sort of hard to do when I have to see him for a milli-second when he comes over to see the kids and I become the cockroach again.)

BUT I can’t allow him to drive me insane. I makes me angry. Right? He is causing this anger and rage in me. I really do hate him. I never thought in 15 years that I would utter those words. I am not going to dwell on how things used to be. All I know is that I can’t stand the sight of him.

I wasn’t raging when he was gone.

I will not allow myself to get angry now that he is back.

I can’t.

I was driving to work today and I realized that my hands were holding so tightly onto the steering wheel. Woah. I turned off the radio and released my hands. (Safely…) Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Mind chatter. I turned the radio back on for background noise. My sense of calm and ability to calm myself  is barely there now that he is back.

Maybe it’s in Florida.

Creeping up again..

Stbex watched the kids all day today. They didn’t have school but my district did so I had to go to work.
When I got home I did not go in the house. I walked over to my neighbors house and chatted for 30 mins. I can’t be anywhere near him. I cannot stand the sight of him.
I sent him a text telling him that I was across the street and he can leave so I can go home.

“Why?”

Why?? Because you are a complete douchebag and I cannot stand the fact that you have been in the house with the kids all day. Because I want to see the kids. I want to get into my sweats and be lazy without you there.

That anger came back up from the darkest places in my soul. The rage, bitterness,  sadness.

All erupted in me like an active volcano.
So of course I start to text him sarcastic things.

“Thanks for putting the kids clothes away. I love doing it all myself.” (He didn’t put them away after he told me that he would)

“Do you enjoy this lifestyle? Because I do and so do the kids!”

“Are you happy with your choices?”

All while knowing I will never get answers that will satisfy me.

I have no self control.

Grudges.

While my dad was in the hospital, I talked to him about the fact that he holds grudges towards his siblings for silly things.

Stupid things.

Trivial things.

After he had his heart attack and was literally brought back from the dead by my stbex, we all thought he would have a different take on life.

Be happier.

Hold less grudges.

But my dad being my dad did not change. What a fool I was.

After this surgery I told him how fragile life is.

That it’s pointless to hold grudges and carry around all of this anger.

Why is it so hard to practice what we preach? Why is it so easy to tell someone to just “let it go.”

But we can’t.

Why is it so easy for us to share our opinion and give (fairly good) advice, yet not take it for ourselves?

Should I let my dad stew in his bitterness? Can I compare it to mine?

He takes things so personally. Things that were said or done to him are NOT things to be angry about and cut people out of his life.

Betrayal, lies, deceit, irresponsibility and selfishness are things that I can be angry about. I don’t want to be, but I still am. I still hate him. I cried yesterday. Why? Because as soon as I pulled back into this town after being at home for a week a flood of emotions hit me. I realized, yet again,  that my dreams for my marriage and family were crushed by the one person I trusted and loved. (Even through multiple affairs)

Am I justified in my anger and grudges, but my father is not?

I’m angry just thinking about it…

Good days and bad days and everything in between.

I have good days. Those are the days that I don’t speak to him. Those are the days when I could care less about what (or who) he’s doing.

Then there are days like yesterday.

Stbex called to tall to N and C. C handed me the phone when she was finished and he was expecting me to get on it to talk.

Click.

I hang up the phone before he gets a chance to say anything. This is the second time I’ve done that to him.

Feels AMAZING.

And then he texts me.

“I am going to start coming over in the mornings.”

Excuse me? We don’t have a visitation schedule. I have been so lenient with him. Let me know when you want to come and see them and I’ll leave the house. Want to spend a weekend with them? Just come to the house and I will leave. No, they cannot go to your house….which is your girlfriends house.

HE LEFT. He doesn’t get to decide when he can come and go from their lives. Am I still hurting? You bet your ass  I am.

All I care about is N and C and their emotional stability. They still think he’s coming home. When I tell them he’s not, they try to come up with ways to get him to come back.

He CHOSE to go on vacation with his girlfriend for the whole week before springs break. He knew we were going to be gone this week. With MY family. For Easter. I didn’t take them to spend time with a boyfriend. (there isn’t even one)

Now he wants me to “stop talking to his mother.” She’s dead. Died five years ago. When I go see my psychic medium his mother ALWAYS comes through. I don’t specifically ask for her. She just comes to me. He said that he was going to call my psychic medium and tell her to STOP.

Good luck with that. Maybe he’ll put that in his next ridiculous letter from his lawyer.

Now that I got that out, can I have a good day? I know his mom would want me to.

I miss you R.L.S. xo

Transitions.

We have a student with Aspberger’s in one of the 9th grade English classes that I teach. He is notoriously late for class.

Every class.

Everyday.

He misses important info at the beginning of class then gets worked up because he doesn’t know what we are doing.

Transitions are not easy for him.

If I erased his Aspberger’s, would he still be doing this? I wish I could just jump inside his mind and figure it all out.

Transitions are not easy for me, either.

I hate change. Could I just take my time moving from one phase of my life to another? Go against the rules and respond to divorce papers on my time?

I hate change. I had this idea in my head (and promised to me in our wedding day almost 8 years ago) that we would grow old together and sit in rocking chairs on the porch enjoying life once the kids were grown.

Change. I have to transition to this “new life” that is not what I had hoped for.

I would like know why this student moves at his own pace.

He must hate change too. (I know children with Autism do not like change in their routine)

Each day I wake up and realize that I am one day closer to the end of it all. Makes me queasy. Even though he threw me on this roller coaster of emotions and life changes with no protection from falling to my death, I am still sad.

I am angry at him for the extremely sefish, irresponsible, immature choices he has made for our family. I actually despise him.

But I hate change.

Anyone have a late pass that I can use on life?

The phone call.

I don’t get it. I thought I was so much better than I am.

Stbex called to talk to N and C. I got the phone and he was not very nice…ok I wasn’t either.

I hear girls and his current girlfriend in the background. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. (did I mention he is in Florida with her? Never did those things with me)

Once I WAS HUNG UP ON I instantly called him back. My impulsively kicked in and I was frantic again. But I stopped. Did not text. Did not call again.

Crumpled on the couch and cried. 30 seconds later I hear, “MOMMY! The pizza is here!”

Oh right. Life. Parenting. Emotions. Twins. Single parent. Abandoned.  Pain. Hatred. Questions with no answers. Answers that make no sense to a sane human being.

How can his actions still cause me so much pain? Why can’t he see how much hurt he has caused? I can’t go back to running those thoughts in my head.

Tomorrow is a new day. 24 hours to NOT call,text, freak out.  I hate this roller coaster I am on. I want to fast forward to a year from now.  I would love to sleep for the next 365 days. But I can’t.

Life. Parenting. Twins. Single parent.

Irrational Rationality

This sums up how I am feeling at this moment. I am literally screaming through text messages. My chickens have flown the coop.

Why?

I never get the answers I want or deserve. All it does is make me angry. Sad. Defeated.

Go ahead. Leave with your girlfriend to Florida.

We are still legally married.

My washing machine is broken.

So am I.