one step can change everything.

I thought I was passed all of this.

I thought I had cried all my tears, forgotten about “them” and was stronger than this.

Friday was the first time that I laid eyes on “her” since the truth came out.  One foot out of a store in the mall and there she was.

one step can change everything.

I honestly didn’t think that I would react in the way I did. She didn’t see me; thank god.

Frozen.

Heart racing.

Sweaty palms.

Anger. Anger. Anger. Sadness. Sadness. Sadness.

I called one of my girlfriends (after calling stbex and bitching him out) and she talked me off the ledge.

I walked out to my car and then the tears started flowing.

Flowing like hot lava on my cold cheeks onto my cold hands, pooling in my ears as I talk on the phone.

That totally fucked me up.

The kids were with him this weekend.

I was ALONE. Sick and alone.

Lonely. Alone. Solo.

No one to take care of me while I was sick. No one to rot on the couch with.

The kids came back tonight at 6.

Come to find out “she” spent the whole weekend with them.

Painting pumpkins, making cookies, doing FAMILY things.

That’s MY family.

She was NOT part of this plan. This is not how my life was supposed to be.

This is NOT how the kids lives were supposed to go.

After I learned that she was there this weekend, (according to lawyers and law guardian, she’s not supposed to be there when the kids are until they are interviewed by the law guardian) the tears started flowing again.

Hot lava on my cold cheeks, hands, ears. Burning and stinging like salt on an open wound.

It wouldn’t stop.

All the emotions came back and I couldn’t stop them. The dam had unleashed it’s fury of anger, sadness, depression, tears into my once calm state.

Why does this still hurt? How can I still be sad about this? I don’t want him. I am sad over the death of the vision that I had for our family. I was the one who should be painting pumpkins and making cookies with my family. NOT her.

Run away. Run away as fast as I can. That’s my next thought.

What I want for my kids is not here. It’s home. Family, friends, memories.

Yes their father and his whore are here, but this is not what I want for my children. I want tradition. Family and friends. Holidays together. Lazy summers together.

I don’t get that here. I won’t have that here.

one step can change everything.

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Grudges.

grudge

While my dad was in the hospital, I talked to him about the fact that he holds grudges towards his siblings for silly things.

Stupid things.

Trivial things.

After he had his heart attack and was literally brought back from the dead by my stbex, we all thought he would have a different take on life.

Be happier.

Hold less grudges.

But my dad being my dad did not change. What a fool I was.

After this surgery I told him how fragile life is.

That it’s pointless to hold grudges and carry around all of this anger.

Why is it so hard to practice what we preach? Why is it so easy to tell someone to just “let it go.”

But we can’t.

Why is it so easy for us to share our opinion and give (fairly good) advice, yet not take it for ourselves?

Should I let my dad stew in his bitterness? Can I compare it to mine?

He takes things so personally. Things that were said or done to him are NOT things to be angry about and cut people out of his life.

Betrayal, lies, deceit, irresponsibility and selfishness are things that I can be angry about. I don’t want to be, but I still am. I still hate him. I cried yesterday. Why? Because as soon as I pulled back into this town after being at home for a week a flood of emotions hit me. I realized, yet again,  that my dreams for my marriage and family were crushed by the one person I trusted and loved. (Even through multiple affairs)

Am I justified in my anger and grudges, but my father is not?

I’m angry just thinking about it…