Never in a million years would I ever think I would be here. I thought I would be crawled in my bed forever.
I am in shock to see how far I’ve come from August 2013 to now. Yes counseling and meds help, and the knitting (you should see what I am making now!) helps but I actually feel different.
I don’t get that flood of anger that comes up from the deepest, darkest places of my soul. I get a little nervous if I hear something new, but it fades.
Fades like the memories I had of holding onto hope. Holding on so tightly for the slightest, minuscule chance of saving our marriage.
Fades like the memories of me crying in bed, or at work, or in the car all the time wondering “why?”
Not anymore. I did nothing wrong. I did nothing to deserve this and I DESERVE BETTER. So do my kids.
I am content with my boring little life right now. No crying, no wondering why, no sleepless nights, no trying to get it all figured out.
I can take a deep breathe and exhale. That breath just fades away lile my horrifying memories.
I mean from my story. I drove my father two hours for back surgery today. I cried when I left because I didn’t know if it would be the last time I would see him.
He has THE best neurosurgeon. ..works on Dallas Cowboys and plenty of NHL players.
A 66 year old Vietnam vet is right up there with them in my book. Number one.
I am sitting here (patiently) waiting for him to come up from recovery. He’s going to be in a lot of pain but his quality of life is going to sky rocket.
What is that? Another metaphor for my life? Wow. It literally just smacked me on the head as I sit in this cold hospital room…
My father endured years and years of pain in his lower back. Bone on bone with nerves pinched in between. They took out the broken pieces and replaced it with strong titanium mesh. He’ll be a new person….in about two weeks.
I am removing the broken and dead pieces from my life as well. The pieces that have caused me so much pain for all of these years.
Once I am strong like that titanium piece that is in my dad’s back, my quality of life with sky rocket too.
Bring it on Dr. M!