This stage.

I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to feel the ache in my heart and stomach when I speak to him. I don’t want to be sad.

I thought I was past this emotion. I thought I was turning a corner to a “new me.”

Why am I being bombarded with emotions that I thought I had buried. Why have they clawed their way out of the locked grave that I slammed shut a month ago?

Why?

I know that with major life changes and grief people go through many stages. Why did I fall back into this puddle of tears and sadness? I thought that I wasn’t going to fall back into THIS stage. I thought THIS stage was long gone.

Kids are with their father at a carnival. That was supposed to be something we did as a family. Those are family activities. I am so sad right now. Sad over the fact that the man I married is dead, but someone who looks just like him but acts completely different is alive.

I spoke to him for the first time in months today. Actually 20 minutes ago. I cried. I asked “why.” I did all the things you’re not supposed to do. I did not, however, try to convince him to fix our broken marriage. Small wins.

I told him that I want to go home. I want to move away from here. I can’t be free here.

Before I enter the store, salon, etc I have to check the place first to see who is in there. Happened today. Went to get a pedicure and I had to scour the place for any face that would make me have any negative reaction. Is that how my life will be like now? I can’t start over here.

I am really sad at this very moment. Tears are running down my cheeks like the rain that is pouring down outside.

I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to cry. I want to stay angry. I don’t want to speak to him. I have been through so much. I have been on this emotional roller coaster and I cannot get off of it. Is this some sick joke? Am I being pranked by “god”?

Why am I being put through this? I thought I was a good person with good morals and values. Why does someone who has no moral compass and no values get to make these decisions that affect so many people? I believe in karma. I don’t want to be around when his comes knocking on his door.

Creeping up again..

Stbex watched the kids all day today. They didn’t have school but my district did so I had to go to work.
When I got home I did not go in the house. I walked over to my neighbors house and chatted for 30 mins. I can’t be anywhere near him. I cannot stand the sight of him.
I sent him a text telling him that I was across the street and he can leave so I can go home.

“Why?”

Why?? Because you are a complete douchebag and I cannot stand the fact that you have been in the house with the kids all day. Because I want to see the kids. I want to get into my sweats and be lazy without you there.

That anger came back up from the darkest places in my soul. The rage, bitterness,  sadness.

All erupted in me like an active volcano.
So of course I start to text him sarcastic things.

“Thanks for putting the kids clothes away. I love doing it all myself.” (He didn’t put them away after he told me that he would)

“Do you enjoy this lifestyle? Because I do and so do the kids!”

“Are you happy with your choices?”

All while knowing I will never get answers that will satisfy me.

I have no self control.

Good days and bad days and everything in between.

I have good days. Those are the days that I don’t speak to him. Those are the days when I could care less about what (or who) he’s doing.

Then there are days like yesterday.

Stbex called to tall to N and C. C handed me the phone when she was finished and he was expecting me to get on it to talk.

Click.

I hang up the phone before he gets a chance to say anything. This is the second time I’ve done that to him.

Feels AMAZING.

And then he texts me.

“I am going to start coming over in the mornings.”

Excuse me? We don’t have a visitation schedule. I have been so lenient with him. Let me know when you want to come and see them and I’ll leave the house. Want to spend a weekend with them? Just come to the house and I will leave. No, they cannot go to your house….which is your girlfriends house.

HE LEFT. He doesn’t get to decide when he can come and go from their lives. Am I still hurting? You bet your ass  I am.

All I care about is N and C and their emotional stability. They still think he’s coming home. When I tell them he’s not, they try to come up with ways to get him to come back.

He CHOSE to go on vacation with his girlfriend for the whole week before springs break. He knew we were going to be gone this week. With MY family. For Easter. I didn’t take them to spend time with a boyfriend. (there isn’t even one)

Now he wants me to “stop talking to his mother.” She’s dead. Died five years ago. When I go see my psychic medium his mother ALWAYS comes through. I don’t specifically ask for her. She just comes to me. He said that he was going to call my psychic medium and tell her to STOP.

Good luck with that. Maybe he’ll put that in his next ridiculous letter from his lawyer.

Now that I got that out, can I have a good day? I know his mom would want me to.

I miss you R.L.S. xo