Total crossroads

~ Jules

Change. I hate it. I don’t think I’ve met many people who do enjoy it. I am scared. Scared of making the wrong decision for me and my children.

Scared that they’ll resent me if we move 2.5 hours away from their father.
Scared that I’ll make the wrong decision and will royally screw them up for life.

I have two job interviews scheduled for teaching jobs at home.  When all of this first startedIi was ANGRY. I applied for any job far, far away from here. Now that they are coming back with interviews I am NERVOUS.

Leave?
Stay?

I have support in both cities. I live in a GREAT neighborhood with fantastic neighbors who have stuck by me during this whole mess. I have a job that I love and I am content in my house.

BUT

At home I have my friends and family. My kids can be near their grandparents. They have friends there. I have support there too. I don’t have a house or job yet.

Does anyone have a crystal ball for me to look into? I have no idea what to do or what to think. All I have done is take one day at a time. Thinking about the future. Makes me sad, anxious, uneasy, unsure and back on this emotional roller coaster.

If we move I would have to meet their father every other weekend so he can take them…to her house….because that’s where she lives. Just thinking about that makes my stomach churn and I want to puke. They both make me sick.

ANY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? WHY DID THE PERSON I MARRIED EVOLVE  INTO THIS SELFISH, NASTY, MEAN MONSTER???

Why am I letting it bother me? Someone else make my life decisions for me. I need a nap.

7 thoughts on “Total crossroads”

  1. I have had that same inner struggle of moving away. We were new to this city (only two years when it happened) and I have no family nearby and few friends to speak of…whereas in the state we used to live in, I had a wide circle of friends and “chosen family” that I could count on and love.
    I have chosen to stay put, though I wonder every day if it is the right choice. I’m trying to do what I think is in the best interest of the kids and not be self-serving, and I feel that maybe going back to “my circle” is self-serving though I believe the kids would benefit in many ways as well. I struggle with the guilt that I could be the person my kids would blame if I “took them away from their dad” and it could me my fault that they have a poor relationship with him…I choose instead to allow them to have the authentic relationship with proximity that allows them to see him for what/who he truly is…not sure if that is better or not.
    I wish you much luck and blessing with your choice, I know first hand it is not an easy one…everyday I wish I had someone make the decision FOR ME to tell me to move back to the previous state….

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    2. I have the same issues, even though my children have grown. Should I stay in this state to be nearer my two grandchildren, or should I move interstate to have the support of my mother and siblings, and be nearer where my daughter currently resides?
      The choice is not an easy one, and I feel my family will continue to fragment … or become stronger… whichever way the coin flips.
      My gut feeling for you with younger children (and even for me with older children) is that when the nuclear family is no more, the extended family becomes SO important for a sense of stability and sense of belonging for the children. .

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      1. I wish I had that strong core of family to move toward…my family I’ve created is my core. This generation was supposed to be better. I can only hope and dream of what’s to come for us all when we are the strong core family that stays bonded to each other in a way I always hoped for…for now, the core we have and the few friends that are tight like family are what we’ve got to go with…

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  2. The thing that struck me was that you called ‘home’ where your parents live; whereas where you live now, you referred to as a ‘house’.
    I think that says it all.

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