I’m still here, just the best version.

Wow. Years. Years have gone by since I have written.

I just took some time to go back and read some of my past posts.

pain.

despair.

abandonment.

betrayal.

pain.

Holy shit. I knew I was in a bad place. I knew I was struggling. If I could go back to that girl, I’d say–

“you will make it”

“you will not recognize your future self”

“I got you”

“just. trust. me”

Guess what? My future self was right. I DID make it. I had ME. I trusted ME.

My life has done a complete flip on itself.

I met a guy.

Guy fell in love quick.

YIKES. SCARY. RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

but….there was something inside telling me not to run away. He said that I have this wall up and if we don’t get it down together, he can’t stick around.

gut punch. bitch, you cannot keep living like this.

then I met HER. my magical friend. my magical friend who has the power to release and block any and all trauma so I can live my best life with this great guy.

enter Roze. My kinesiologist. My kinesiologist who does EMDR, energy work, and a whole lotta love to move me past all that bullshit I went through. (forever grateful, but still bullshit)

ONE. one. uno. just one. ONE session with Roze did what YEARS of talk therapy could NOT accomplish.

poof. gone.

I could think of a scenario that used to “trigger” me. (not a fan of that word but it gets the job done)

It would just float on by in my head. Wouldn’t stop, wouldn’t collect $200, wouldn’t go to jail and stay there in my prison of a brain.

A NEW LIFE. a new fucking life. what in the world.

I’m still amazed and forever grateful to her. I send all of my friends and family to her.

Guess what?

We invited her to OUR wedding. I know, I know..JULIA YOU GOT MARRIED AGAIN?!

yep.

To an amazing man who loves me unconditionally, loves my children as my own (and I his), who treats me as his equal, who loves my friends, who supports me in everything (even my crazy ideas), and who pumps my gas for me.

When I say EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, believe me.

I was destined to go through what I went through to become the best version of me, so I could meet my life partner. So I could be strong enough to stand on my own two feet and take one step forward in the right direction. I did a lot of self work before he came along. Roze was the icing on the cake.

and what a sweet cake it is.

deleted.

Google photos always pops up with a memory “on this day” so many years ago. I love clicking on it and seeing my angelic twins playing as they did when they were 4. Today was one of those days. Videos of them innocently jumping on the bed; playing Just Dance and my raspy 4 year old sitting it out because there were no “boy faces’.

Then it hits me. I’m scrolling through the pictures and I see it. A black and white photo copy of a Valentine’s Day card. It was a copy of a card that my ex-husband sent to his girlfriend. The next photo was a picture of the Valentine’s Day card that he got me.

“That’s not my handwriting. I didn’t write that.” He was the king of denial. I know what LA means. Love, A****.  Bull shit it’s not your name.  I snapped the picture of the card I got and sent it to her all those years ago. Her response: “I’m in shock”. You’re in shock? YOU? You are the one who put herself in this marriage. In the middle of my 4 year olds lives.  In the middle of my disaster of a marriage. No, bitch. I’m in shock.

I WAS in shock.

But not today. I had zero reaction when I saw the pictures of the cards. zero. zilch. noting. I . FELT. NOTHING. I haven’t seen those images in years. I know they would have elicited some sort of response a few years back. But today, I hit delete.

Delete. I deleted this memory from my phone. Will I ever be able to delete that memory (and so many others…have I mentioned the naked picture of her?) that is ingrained in my brain? Probably not. However, I know that when Google pops up with another memory, those are gone. I won’t remember the exact date that I took them. I’ll remember the “I am shocked” comment. I won’t feel anything though. It’s gone. The gut punch, knee jerk, want to scratch someone’s eyes out reaction is gone.

GONE.

Looking back, I have come so far. Looking ahead, I have brand new memories to make.

wounds

Turn your wounds into words.

A dear friend is going through a difficult time in her life…I knew the feeling. I knew the angst, the sadness, the anger. I knew. I knew how she felt and I knew how to help her.

Pain is our greatest teacher.  We go through horrific experiences feeling as if we are not going to make it out on the other side. We aren’t going to make it. We are going to stop breathing, stop living and curl up in a ball and die. However, it doesn’t happen that way.

Pain teaches us so much about ourselves. We actually DO come out of those experiences wiser, stronger, more in tune with our authentic, real self. I wouldn’t believe it either if I didn’t experience it first hand.

I experienced pain first hand. Looking back, it was the best experience of my life. I know who I am, I know what I want, I am stronger than ever.

I know how to help my friend.

“Write, write, write”! I told her.  I explained that blogging throughout my pain was very therapeutic. Word dumps. Get it out. Cut open your heart and let all the words bleed onto this blank piece of “paper”.

She did.

She’s done a few posts (Link to her page here) and I can already tell that it’s helping. She’s a phenomenal writer and you’d be crazy not to follow her words.

I am grateful that I was able to share this blogging with her. It’s going to do amazing things for her!

 

bitch ass mercury…

If you haven’t noticed, Mercury is in retrograde. bitch ass mercury

It’s throwing me off. I thought things were smoother and more civil with my ex. We had a mediation with a trained mediator last year. I THOUGHT things were better.  WE agreed to put the past in the past for the kids. Bury it. We need to show the kids that we can be civil for them. Fine. I was sick of carrying it around anyway.

Last year around the kids 9th birthday, he suggested we do a joint birthday party for their 10th.

Sure. I’ll work on holding my tongue and my eye rolls. Once we met (after the suggestion was made) I really worked on me.  I worked on my inner soul. My energy. ME. Christmas came and went, maybe  5 minutes of crying. But it ended. This was the easiest Christmas thus far. PROGRESS.

Yesterday I get a SCATHING email stating that I need to stop living in the past. Excuse me? I’m not. He brought up all the shit that’s happened IN THE PAST and said the kids are suffering because of it. Say what? That’s shit we buried. That’s the PAST that we BOTH agreed to put behind us.

I asked him to pay for our son’s boy scouts gear since I paid for the year. When I asked him that, he immediately told me (via text) that his fiance had already told our son that she was going to buy it for him. Great. Let her spend her money, I don’t care. One less thing I have to worry about/pay for. (He pays me support and refuses to help with anything else financially. )

In his email he says–“I don’t know why I helped you out. I pay you and you should be using that money. I shouldn’t even help you because of all the shit you did to us.” (in the past…past that was agreed to be put behind us)  It’s my fault the kids don’t listen and are disrespectful to adults. (Are we talking about the same kids?) He said that if I DON’T CHANGE, THE KIDS ARE GOING TO CONTINUE TO SUFFER.

I’m fuming. He’s twisting and turning things and is portraying me as this scorned, drunk wife that I was.

WAS. past tense. the past that we agreed to put behind us. I did not bring up all the lies, deceit, betrayal, affairs and pain in my response to him. I DID say that he did some pretty shitty things to me in the past, but we agreed to move forward for the kids. Was he at the same meeting I was?

Writing it out helps. I am still so confused about his emails. I have done NOTHING to them. He wants respect.  I told him at our last meeting that I respect them as parents, but not as people. He was fine with it. Then with this email he’s going on and on about how I have no respect for either of them and that he shouldn’t be helping me at all with anything.

I can’t take on his negativity. My intention for the day is:

“Positive energy will be absorbed; negative energy will be repelled.”

I said that out loud in the car on the way to work. I keep saying it in my head.

“Positive energy will be absorbed; negative energy will be repelled.”

bitch ass mercury.

2018…

2018.

I haven’t written in a long time. I’ve been told that I should continue writing–not just for me, but also for those that read these.

So, I am. I opened up my laptop and logged in. I started reading my past posts. GOD what a change. The old me is still inside, but she’s teeny tiny. Smaller version. Floats around and is barely visible. Sometimes she makes herself known, but very quickly disappears back to where she came from.

So where am I now? Calmer. Quieter. Less stressed. Less wound up. Less tense.

When I talk about my path, I always say that blogging really helped me get through those years of pain, darkness, death. It really did. That and knitting. I have a “divorce scarf” that I knitted while going through that. I still wear it to remind me of how far I’ve come. It’s not perfect. Neither am I.

 

the unknown.

First of all, I’d like to give a shout out to my friend Jamie. I called her and unloaded all this crap on her this morning. Her first question: “ok, do you have xanax?” No. But I will be getting some. Her last question: “why don’t you blog all of this?” So thanks, Spanks, (her nickname…Spanky) for your advice…

The ex has had a baby with his girlfriend, now fiance…Cried when the baby was born (out of sadness, not joy) and cried when I heard they got engaged. (Thanks, Jamie for softening the blow for me) That lasted about 2 days then I was over it. I am sure when the big day comes, I’ll either be:

a. doped up on xanax and sleeping

b. drunk.

c. at a spa

d. with my girlfriends (hopefully c and d)

Fast forward to the unknown…

My kids are making their first communion on Sunday…(we have twins)

One pew. One family. Me, him, kids…I asked my parents to sit someplace else so it wouldn’t be awkward. My parents hate my ex for what happened. Rightfully so.  Did I mention my dad is still paying for our wedding? I digress..

I shared with my ex that we have one pew for the kids’ family. He and I need to sit with the kids, go up with them as they receive communion, etc. I kindly asked him to have whoever is coming with him to sit someplace else. The seating arrangements could look something like this:

Me, kid, kid, ex, my mom, my dad, his whore

Me, kid, kid, ex, my dad, my mom, his whore

Him, kid, kid, me, my mom, my dad, his whore

Him, kid, kid, me, my dad, my mom, his whore.

 

Anyone see a pattern here? Has he answered my request? No. I told him that I wish we could sit on opposite sides of the church but that can’t happen. “I’m sure we can”, said the ex. See, he doesn’t believe in following rules that are given from other people. The letter clearly states that we are to SIT WITH OUR CHILDREN. If he chooses not to, that’s his deal. I’ll be right there with my kids.

My parents agreed to sit someplace else because they don’t want to make it awkward for anyone. Because THEY ARE SMART. He thinks everyone is ok with what he’s done.

News flash–we’re not. Still not. I wish I was. When will it go away? I read an article that I don’t need to forgive. Forgiveness is Overrated. Read it here. If he was truly sorry for his actions, then maybe. Anyway, I digress. again.

I’ve been having the craziest dreams because I have so much on my mind regarding this. I don’t want to dream of my old house (where they live, happily ever after) and them anymore.

I still don’t know where she is sitting. The unknown is killing me. Just as it has in the past. I need to “prepare for the worst, hope for the best, pop a xanax”–Jamie.

 

 

 

 

 

2017

3rd year, post divorce.  Three years stronger. A few times weaker.

Stronger.

Stronger.

Stronger.

The holidays have always been tough for me. He did some pretty shitty things to me during the holidays. It’s almost like I have PTSD. Once December 26 hits, I snap out of it. I’m moody, snap at the kids, depressed. cry cry cry. Not that I want HIM back, but the pain from the memories that are related to the holidays hit me like a ton of bricks. I actually despise Christmas. I will need to go to counseling to prepare for next year. It’s not fair to my kids or myself…

New year, new me. I will stay focused and DEDICATED (my new year word) to becoming a healthier, happier version of my current self. Dedicated to fostering healthy, loving relationships with the positive people in my life. Dedicated to learning more about me and how I can grow and learn and become a better me. Not just for me, but for my children, my family and those positive people in my life.

Yes, yes. I need to lose weight. I will. No rush. No deadline. Just everyday choices and the mindset that I CAN DO THIS. I am dedicated to making me better.

 

what a long, strange trip its been

It truly has been.  From devastation to recovery and everything in between. It has been a wild ride. Although I am not 100% detached from my story–I don’t think I ever will be-I am able to handle things with more grace than before. That angry, hot headed scorned ex wife is no longer. A newer, better version of myself has emerged.

I still get emotional sometimes. I cried little tears yesterday when I learned that their baby is being delivered on Monday. They were not big, wailing, crocodile tears that lasted for hours. Just a few trickled down to remind me of how far I have come and how far I have yet to go. I will pay myself on the back, however, because I HAVE SURVIVED.

Those three words. I HAVE SURVIVED. I never thought in a million years that I would have survived this. I did. It did not kill me. It did kill a naïve, weak, small version of myself. Thank you for that. However, it did not kill ME. I am stronger because of it.

Thank you to those of you on here–those complete strangers who knew how I felt. Who knew what to say to me at the right time. I don’t know you personally, but what you have done for me here, I will never forget.

I HAVE SURVIVED.

 

 

What A Difference a Year Makes

I’m back.

A lot has changed in my life since my last post.  I honestly don’t even know when I was on here last. My apologies.

My divorce was official in January of 2015. The year anniversary is coming up. It may have passed. I don’t know. All I know is that time heals some pain. Pain that I was feeling during this entire ordeal is not as severe as it was at once point.

I can breathe.

I survived.

Sure it stings to know they my ex and his girlfriend are having a baby and living in my old house that I shared with him and my children.

But I survived.

I bought my own home around the corner. It’s a perfect house for the kids and me. The energy is better. It’s a happy little house.

I survived.

I can breathe.

I’ve dated here and there—I’ve learned what I want and what I don’t want. I’ve learned what I deserve. That person hasn’t come along yet. I know the universe is working on it for me. I ask, I believe and I will receive.

I still harbor some anger and hatred towards my ex and her. I am really trying to work on that this year. I am trying to be in the present moment. Meditate. Be grateful each day for what the universe has given me. I am listening to The Secret during my 20 minute drive to work and back.

Ask.

Believe.

Receive.

Breathe.

Talons

I feel like my life is constantly riding the breaks. My mind is the operator. Smooth sailing for a while then BAM slam on the brakes.

I want to start so much in my life. For some reason, my mind won’t let me. Let me? Release me? Release me from the mental talons of its unruly grip on my life.

I want to start to meditate.

I want to start to workout again.

I want to keep up with my blog again.

I want to have joy in my life.

I want.

I want to be happy.

But do I deserve all of those things?

I try to set goals for myself but for some reason that I cannot figure out, I cannot start them.

Lately I’ve been finding myself rotting in front of the tv or just sleeping.

Depression. Medication. I’m on it. Lots of it. I’ll never be able to get off of them.

I need to start doing things for myself. When I don’t have my kids, I usually sleep that time away until they’re back. What kind of life is that? These talons are digging deeper and deeper into mind and soul. How do I loosen their grip? It’s starting to slowly kill me.