Creeping up again..

Stbex watched the kids all day today. They didn’t have school but my district did so I had to go to work.
When I got home I did not go in the house. I walked over to my neighbors house and chatted for 30 mins. I can’t be anywhere near him. I cannot stand the sight of him.
I sent him a text telling him that I was across the street and he can leave so I can go home.

“Why?”

Why?? Because you are a complete douchebag and I cannot stand the fact that you have been in the house with the kids all day. Because I want to see the kids. I want to get into my sweats and be lazy without you there.

That anger came back up from the darkest places in my soul. The rage, bitterness,  sadness.

All erupted in me like an active volcano.
So of course I start to text him sarcastic things.

“Thanks for putting the kids clothes away. I love doing it all myself.” (He didn’t put them away after he told me that he would)

“Do you enjoy this lifestyle? Because I do and so do the kids!”

“Are you happy with your choices?”

All while knowing I will never get answers that will satisfy me.

I have no self control.

Grudges.

While my dad was in the hospital, I talked to him about the fact that he holds grudges towards his siblings for silly things.

Stupid things.

Trivial things.

After he had his heart attack and was literally brought back from the dead by my stbex, we all thought he would have a different take on life.

Be happier.

Hold less grudges.

But my dad being my dad did not change. What a fool I was.

After this surgery I told him how fragile life is.

That it’s pointless to hold grudges and carry around all of this anger.

Why is it so hard to practice what we preach? Why is it so easy to tell someone to just “let it go.”

But we can’t.

Why is it so easy for us to share our opinion and give (fairly good) advice, yet not take it for ourselves?

Should I let my dad stew in his bitterness? Can I compare it to mine?

He takes things so personally. Things that were said or done to him are NOT things to be angry about and cut people out of his life.

Betrayal, lies, deceit, irresponsibility and selfishness are things that I can be angry about. I don’t want to be, but I still am. I still hate him. I cried yesterday. Why? Because as soon as I pulled back into this town after being at home for a week a flood of emotions hit me. I realized, yet again,  that my dreams for my marriage and family were crushed by the one person I trusted and loved. (Even through multiple affairs)

Am I justified in my anger and grudges, but my father is not?

I’m angry just thinking about it…